WASHINGTON — Wolves In The Throne Room did not descend from angels, said a genealogy company CEO in his 137-page report that was released on Sunday.
When the elusive forestcore duo claimed to be of celestial lineage in 2011, many of their treehouse neighbors were convinced and started spreading the claim to city dwellers as fact. But not every city dweller was convinced.
“When I first heard it, an alarm bell inside my head immediately went off,” said Tim Sullivan, avid tree metal fan and CEO of Utah-based genealogy company Ancestry.com. “I was like, ‘The lads are more likely to have descended from Tarzan.’”
Over time, Sullivan’s suspicion grew and became so unbearable that it culminated into a three-year investigation of the Wolves’ origins. The first two years were spent tracking down the Weaver brothers’ mysterious treehouse – said to contain an attic quasar and a basement galaxy – using Ptolemaic constellation maps borrowed from the Provo City Library. The final year was spent climbing to the peak of every giant sequoia in California’s Yosemite National Park in an attempt to nail down the Wolves’ exact location.
Sullivan’s patience and perseverance was rewarded just before he reached the peak of the last sequoia he climbed. Near the tip of the gargantuan tree, he saw an unassuming treehouse with an unreadable logo engraved on its termite-infested door.
“With that branch-like motif, it had forestcore written all over it,” said Sullivan. “One look and I knew that was my quarry.”
Sullivan then kicked down the fragile door and was taken aback at what he saw inside: two snoring Caucasian males lying on the filthy wooden floor, with empty Starbucks cups and apple pie bits strewn around them.
“Turns out they are as human as you and I,” said Sullivan with a shrug. “I didn’t even have to do a DNA test to confirm their humanity.”
Fellow giant sequoia resident Austin Lunn also confirms the Wolves’ lack of heavenly essence.
“I was living on this branch long before they perched themselves over there,” said the Panopticon frontman as he pointed at the doorless treehouse on a neighboring branch. “Every morning, I’d see them urinating outside their treehouse, trying to outdo each other by seeing who can hit more birds. What kind of angels do that?”
Despite being glad that he no longer has neighbors due to Sullivan’s tenacity, Lunn expressed annoyance at the Ancestry.com CEO’s explosive intrusion.
“I nearly completed recording my new 50-minute single when that idiot kicked down the door,” said Lunn. “He broke my concentration at around the 49-minute mark and I permanently forgot what chords came next! Now the single will be too brief. From now on, people are going to laugh at me for being a treehouse grindcore act.”
The Weaver brothers could not be reached for comment. When this reporter visited their California treehouse, it was deserted. They are believed to have moved to a neighboring giant sequoia. Lunn, however, believes the brothers have become one with the Lupus constellation.
Sullivan’s 137-page report on his investigative journey can be downloaded for free as an e-book from Apple’s iTunes store. It is also available on the Amazon Kindle.