Pope Francis raised many eyebrows last week when he announced that he wouldn’t have any qualms with baptizing a Xenomorph or Body Snatcher if they sincerely accepted Jesus into their heart and promised to only kill for food, not fun, but this week, the Pontiff is upping the Catholic ante even more. His Holiness has determined that Oderus Urungus will be sainted.
Anticipating the imminent arrival of intergalactic extraterrestrial visitors who feel an urgent need to turn from their evil lust for riches and pleasures of the flesh, the Pope has deemed it necessary for the church to provide a patron saint to whom these E.T.’s can relate to. Without a saint to whom they can pray, the Pope fears that a lot of aliens will lose heart in their search for the meaning of life beyond the meaning it currently possesses.
Pople Francis presented his case before the Council of Saint Making and asked, “Who else but Oderus Urungus could fill this void? The Predator? That spider face with dreadlocks and a skull fetish? Nay my friends! E.T.? That little scrotal looking guy with the glowing finger and a Reese’s Pieces addiction? Absolutely not! Only Urungus can bring the joy of stigmata to our interplanetary seekers.”
Eyewitnesses outside the Vatican gasped in surprise when putrid green smoke billowed from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, confirming that the canonization of Oderus Urungus had been finalized. Some Catholics are less than enthusiastic about the choice of Urungus, feeling that the Popes stint as a roadie during the ’92 America Must Be Destroyed tour played heavily into the decision.
Sister Mary Margaret Macmillan, one of the most outspoken opponents of the canonization of Urungus, released a statement to the press, “The Holy See has apparently lost his mind, only John Carpenter’s Thing has the versatility to get into the hearts and minds of those whom would become living sacrifices for the one, true Space Lord. I hope the first death pod hits the Vatican and immolates the Pope!”