Greetings fellow metal heads! This is Richard Simmons, and I’ll tell you what, a lot of guys across this hibernation nation are writing me to find out where they can buy XXXXL leather pants and bullet belts before the summer concert season hits like a ton of bricks.
You don’t need a new wardrobe, you just need to get metal thrashin’ mad at that out of shape bod, and get your old anorexic, bean pole shape back. “How the #$%^# am I going to do that?” you ask? Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the advertisements for my famous “Sweating To The Oldies” workout programs that have helped a lot of people get back into the best shape of their lives, right? Well, I’m happy to say that with the help of Full Metal Racket Productions, I’ve got just the thing to get you back to your twiggy old self again. Sweating To Death!
I hear you growl, “Sweating to Death? You mean “Death”, as in THE best death metal band in history?” That’s right. DEATH! Sweating To Death is going to revolutionize your self image and get you back into the shape of a fence post. Many people don’t realize that I just love death metal to death. When I was a rebellious teen, my Uncle Garth bought me death metal cassettes from all over the world and I was hooked like a heavy metal Mr. Limpet. I discovered that heavy metal was the key to getting into shape and getting the respect I deserved in the mosh pit.
Sweating To Death has been such a success that Bulimic Corpse Magazine calls it, “A masterpiece of metal and fat melting moves. Six horns up!” This program was even instrumental in getting Rammstein back into shape after their bratwurst and beer binge tour. Till Lindmann was in tears when he went from being a heavy metal monster, to slim, trim, pyrotechnic mad man once again. Never fear your mom putting your favorite concert tees in the dryer ever again!
So, move over “Screamin’ For Benchpress”, and get lost “Too Fast For Lovehandles”, because Sweating To Death is going to succeed where other programs fail. The secret is in the space age combination of hyper, double-bass blast beats with a mixture of hand picked, fat burning exercises such as:
- Kettle Mills – Every metal head knows that windmilling for 3 hours solid can build a neck like a centaur on steroids. I’ve added resistance to this classic move for insane, neck ripping power. The trick is to duct tape a 15lb. kettle bell to the end of your hair and windmill like there’s no tomorrow. Just be sure to watch out for those ceiling fans or mom’s going to slip a gear!
- Crabcore Jacks – The superb health benefits of crabcoring can not be understated, but I’ve added some devilry to these crustacean fat melters that will get your thighs begging for a merciful fate. The trick is when you get your thighs parallel to the ground, have a modest weight friend leapfrog onto your shoulders and then perform an explosive jump. I recommend spandex pants for these seam rippers!
- Amp Head Presses – Upper body strength is your friend, in the mosh pit and out, so I’ve incorporated an alternative to boring barbell presses, Amp Head Presses. This exercise is a bit tricky, but with proper form, your arms will look like they belong in a Manowar photo shoot. Keep a straight back and hold the amp head overhead for the length of two Tool songs. That’s it. Remember to keep a straight back and don’t lock your knees, and your guns will be ready for the next battle of the bands in no time!
What are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and scream bloody gore! The first 666 callers will receive a free bonus disc containing my new abdominal workout, “8 Minute Grind Core”. That’s 75 songs to inspire you to get that abominable abdominal look the ladies go crazy over! Call now, supplies are limited!