The Department of Homeland Security issued a Code Green alert last week when they were informed of a possible terrorist plot in Washington State. A Chinese sleeper cell was discovered operating out of the Washington Zoo and the city is in lock-down with mandatory curfews and roadblocks set up at every one of the city’s 890 Panda Express restaurants. The Shyong-Mahw Pinyin or “Giant Cat Bear Revolution” was discovered operating a cassette pirating and penny counterfeiting scam from inside one of the panda habitats in the Seattle Zoo.
Authorities were called to the zoo after Blanche Grant, a panda keeper, reported that she was distributing the evening bamboo rations and one of the “pandas” pulled a gun on her and demanded she take him to the nearest Panda Express because he “couldn’t take eating bamboo for one more day”. At that moment all hell broke loose when several of the other “pandas” tackled him and dragged him back inside the enclosure and began to beat him with bamboo rods. The situation escalated when the dominant, really real male panda became enraged by the screams and commenced mauling the costumed terrorists. An explosion shortly followed the human/mammal melee, and it is theorized that the ruckus had caused the premature discharge of a coconut and bamboo explosive device hidden inside the habitat.
Among the evidence obtained at the scene was what appears to be a copy of the terrorists manifesto which railed against such things as the American government’s use of Nickelback songs in extracting confessions from suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, and the recent merger of Comcast and Time Warner Cable and it’s detrimental effects on Netflix streaming services.
Law enforcement personnel are in the process of investigating the remaining animal habitats to see if other well organized terrorist cells have been able to set up shop to engage in illegal activities under the guise of chimpanzees or merkats.