A heavy metal musician armed with a computer and an Internet connection typed an astoundingly illuminating Facebook post on March 18, criticizing the rock/metal music business.
The rant, which is the 674,928th of its kind, was reportedly written when the musician was angry.
“His eyebrows were definitely furrowed and his teeth were bared,” said the Internet, 25, a professional time-killer. “He was typing so quickly and slamming the keyboard so hard I thought it sounded like the drumbeats to a Meshuggah song.”
In his post, the musician seemingly blamed the mechanics of Capitalism for the state of today’s rock/metal music business. Insectile sources perched outside the musician’s window and on his coffee mug confirmed that he used a capitalist contraption to publish his thoroughly original thoughts on a capitalist cyber social-networking platform.
“I vividly remember seeing a logo of a quarter-eaten apple on the curious white machine that he was typing on,” buzzed 15-days-old housefly, Buzz Darkmonth.
Buzzing with glee, Darkmonth added, “He was so engrossed in complaining to the very people he “don’t want to be ‘liked’ by” that he didn’t notice me pooping on his mug!”
The musician’s post contains many quotable one-liners that would not look out of place in a poorly written research paper. Exemplary lines include “The music business has sucked the life out of creativity,” “No one is encouraged to take risks, no one is encouraged to push the envelope, because it’s all about first week sales!” and “It’s about pointless radio play and how good your last tour went.”
But perhaps the highlight was the emotional conclusion that utilized the rhetorical technique of repetition to superb effect.
“I don’t get it! You don’t care about music, and I don’t care about music, and I sit here wondering if this feeling is a result of the business itself, or is the business a result of our own apathy towards music…
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
Something has to change.
Someone has to stir the pot.
Something needs to come along and wake us up out of the slumber.”
According to the ghost of Martin Luther King Jr, former excessive user of the line “I have a dream,” the musician’s repeated use of “I don’t,” “I feel,” and “Something” is enigmatic and inspiring.
“Were I born in the late ‘60s instead of the late ‘20s, I could have been this guy,” King’s spirit said in a booming voice. However, when he saw the musician’s headful of healthy, wavy black hair, jealousy flickered in his translucent eyes and he vanished in a cloud of ethereal smoke.
It is now expected that the musician will not gain an ounce of sympathy from the cyber masses.