The Tyranny of Tradition

The tuna industry is reeling from several published reports that a new Nuclear Assault album may be released as early as 2015.  Radioactive tuna from the 2005 Nuclear Assault album “Third World Genocide” has been linked to scores of horrific public health issues around the world.  Environmentalists are calling the latest Nuclear Assault release “the worst potential attack on Mother Nature since DRI released a video for ‘Acid Rain’.”

In California, over two million children have been born with multiple heads since the 2005 Nuclear Assault record hit stores.  These children, known as “Connelly’s Kids”, are prone to violence, have the ability to make objects burst into flame by thinking about them and breathe through gills strategically located on their foreheads.  Gangs of “Connelly’s Kids” recently rampaged through the streets of Sacramento and Bakersfield, eating hundreds of kittens and stealing the toes of elderly citizens in order to make so-called “death necklaces”.

California is not the only place that Nuclear Assault ridden tuna has caused problems.  This winter, Atlanta, Georgia has been slammed by two massive ice storms shut the city down for nearly 10 days and caused a traffic nightmare due in large part to infected tuna.  In 1989, after the release of Nuclear Assault’s magnum opus “Handle With Care”, Guatemala was attacked by hundreds of moth-like creatures capable of turning human beings into bloodthirsty zombies by stinging them.  When “Something Wicked” was released in 1993, a horde of 30,000 flying pigs with bat wings killed everyone in the country of Canada except for members of the band Annihilator and noted director David Cronenberg.

Tuna fish are often the size of Volkswagens.  They are a tasty, delicious treat consumed by obnoxious sushi eating 30 somethings who have nothing better to talk about than their previous evening’s meal. A canned form of the wonder fish is often consumed by impoverished Americans who would easily achieve the American Dream if they stopped wasting their time eating and sleeping and spent more time working to improve their lot in life.  Many doctors believe tuna not affected by heavy metals can help people achieve eternal life if eaten on a regular basis.

Scientists fear the new Nuclear Assault could cause a death toll in the millions as well as the destruction of most major cities.  According to Dr. Glenn Evans, a noted expert on the effects of radiation sickness, citizens around the world need to become aware of the calamity that might take place and get together to make a difference.  According to Evans, “Critical mass will be achieved or else we will destroy ourselves.  If we don’t stop this catastrophe from happening, it’s Game Over.”