The Hague Tribunal announced today that it has arrested and indicted Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine for crimes against metal. The famous international court, headquartered in the Nethelands, oversees the prosecution of war criminals and political leaders who violate human rights and the Geneva Convention. This event marks the first time a musician has ever been put on trial.
“I admit it’s a little unorthodox,” said Chief Prosecutor Hans Blix, “but Mr. Mustaine’s acts of selfish hypocrisy against the metal community can no long be ignored. Remember that time he got Dissection kicked off that festival in Israel? That was my only chance to see them. It’s unconscionable.”
The charges against Mustaine are numerous, including multiple allegations of ousting bands from tours and festivals due to their Satanic content, evidence of condemning substance abuse while abusing substances, ten counts of releasing awful albums, becoming a born-again Christian, and an additional charge of willfully refusing to spell his band name correctly.
Perhaps the most grievous accusation leveled against the guitarist is his inability to move past his dismissal from Metallica, an event that occurred over 30 years ago.
“This man has tormented the world with his unceasing umbrage towards the members of Metallica,” continued Blix, “and we’ve endured his horrible attitude and frustration-driven songs for an entire generation. Once I saw how pathetic he really was in [2004 documentary] ‘Some Kind of Monster’, I knew he had to be stopped.”
The Tribunal also released an official statement, which reads in part, “Dave Mustaine is a greater enemy to heavy metal than the PMRC, the Westboro Baptist Church, and dubstep combined, irrespective of such arguable ‘classics’ Peace Sells or Rust in Peace, which only had a couple of good songs each when you really examine them. He is a liability to the genre, and a majority of his albums undeniably suck.”
Currently, Mr. Mustaine’s legal team is working to have him temporarily released so that he may continue touring in support of his latest atrocity, Super Collider. The trial will commence in May, and Lars Ulrich is expected to be the prosecution’s star witness.