The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted. America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2016.
“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”
Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation. There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone. The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”
Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.
“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”
As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.