Metal Band Name Reserve To Be Completely Depleted By 2016 Says Department of Interior

metal band names

The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted.  America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2016.

“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”

Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation.  There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone.  The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”

Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.

“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”

As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.

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  1. #1 by David on November 22, 2013 - 1:09 PM

    It’s peak metal! Now why did “peak oil” get all the coverage before …

  2. #2 by Fried Chicken And Metal on November 22, 2013 - 8:14 PM

    I think we have crossed the absolute threshold now that there is a band called Dark Black. This is the ultimate indicator that indeed there is nothing left…

  3. #3 by Matthew on November 22, 2013 - 10:58 PM

    Nope. I’ve still got one more up my sleeve. >:)

  4. #4 by Ryse on November 23, 2013 - 12:35 AM

    Like punk, dis… is getting ridiculous.

  5. #5 by mirkinfirkin on November 23, 2013 - 3:38 PM

    Said Professor Hietala Marco, Osasto Selvittämisessä Merkitys Metal Musiikki Lyriikka ja Band nimet (Department for Deciphering the Meaning of Metal Music Lyrics and Band Names) of the University of Voi Vittu ( regarding the situation, “Olen kusessa jos tiedän mitä tapahtuu.”

  6. #6 by Delirious Gonad on November 23, 2013 - 8:36 PM

    Really, Tyranny of Tradition, really?! Please don’t shame this blog by buying into any more alarmist propaganda from Peter Hobbs – the very same dude who’s been fronting HOBBS’ Angel of Death since 1987! Surname plus band name – problem solved, No need to start extracting names from the tar sands of northern Canada just yet. Or is mr. Hobbs simply trying to cover up the fact that surname depletion is looming on the horizon? Just bring it on I say, surnames are overrated.

    • #7 by mirkinfirkin on November 23, 2013 - 9:51 PM

      Is Peter Hobbs related to the the Calvin Hobbs that perfected the method of putting sand into tar as is used in Canada?

  7. #8 by Kegs on December 6, 2013 - 1:23 PM

    So I guess my band can’t be called “Bloodgoat Disgorgement” anymore, damn.

  8. #9 by sandrabranum on March 21, 2014 - 7:51 PM

    And here I thought they were infinite like numbers. Oh well…

  1. TruthEagle | Humor: Metal Band Name Reserve To Be Completely Depleted By 2014 Says Department of Interior

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