I Fired Bill Ward

Dear Reader,

I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.  The firing of Bill Ward from Black Sabbath was my decision and my decision alone.  You all are creations that exist only in my mind.  Bill Ward and Black Sabbath are mere hallucinations that I invented.  I have been alone here on earth since those terrible months back in 2004.  I invented all of you. None of what you know to be reality is actually real.

People have taken his firing as an opportunity to smear the impeccable character of Sharon Osbourne.  Sharon is a warm and wonderful woman.  When I created her, it was based on a memory of a loving Sunday School teacher I had as a child.  Blame me, the creator of this sick and twisted world for the firing of Bill.  She doesn’t deserve your scorn.

Honestly, I was bored.  I’m really running out of things to do here on earth since the plague wiped out the rest of the human race.  I spend most of my days scrounging for food, but when I need entertainment, I make up ridiculous stories about “your world” in my mind.  I’m so good at it that you, my illusions, have begun to think you are real and that the fantasies I create for you are the truth.  I sit here for hours in my cave making up things like President Obama or the taste of new kinds of orange sodas or LeBron James or designs for Nike running shoes as I await my death and the end of the human race.

Please understand that I have big plans for Bill.  There is a scenario I am working on know where Bill is forced to fight off a swarm of three-headed dragons that emerge from behind the sun next year.  His firing might give him the time he needs to prepare to save your fictitious little universe.

Sharon and Ozzy are to be treated well.  One or two more bad words about them from any of you and I’ll think you away completely. It will be as if you never were.  You may awaken in an endless maze with minotaurs in it or you may not awaken at all.  No one will even have a memory of you.  Am I clear?

Anyway, please make a point to go out and support one of the greatest metal bands ever on this year’s reunion tour.  You won’t be sorry you went!


Keith Spillett

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on February 10, 2012 - 6:40 AM

    Since I now know that it is all part of Keith’s Grand Hallucination, I’m pondering taking the day off work…

  2. #2 by Keith Spillett on February 10, 2012 - 7:09 AM

    Don’t do it. I’ve already entertained that possibility. It ends badly.

  3. #3 by Jeff Barber on February 10, 2012 - 3:26 PM

    Can you please imagine me away now, because its clear that I have no place on this godforsaken hunk of rock, particularly when we are surrounded by such vast amounts of stupid people who run the world. Their utter lack of anything resembling intelligence offends me….. Oh and Sharon smells of dog pee!

  4. #5 by trey on February 10, 2012 - 5:20 PM

    without Bill it ain’t real

  5. #6 by An Ass Clown on February 10, 2012 - 10:25 PM

    You sir, are an ASS-CLOWN! Not a garden variety ass-clown. No, no. THE *most* spectacular Ass-Clown I have ever seen or read online in 20 years. Congratulations, and keep up the fine journalism!

  6. #8 by A rider on the storm on February 27, 2012 - 2:01 PM

    How do I know that you are not in my imagination? Is anything real? Am I real? Where’s that bottle of ardbeg and my revolver…

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