Tag Archive | Venom

I Voted For Heavy Metal and All I Got Is This Lousy Country

Ronnie-James-DioAmericans vote for a variety of reasons. In some cases, they are concerned citizens who believe they can use the ballot box to change the direction our nation. In other cases, they do so because they feel an obligation to participate in the rituals of the democratic process. Not me. I vote every chance I get in order to amuse myself to no end by voting for my favorite metal artists.

It usually takes me a half an hour to vote. I go through the races I’ve followed closely and am able to intelligently evaluate, like Senatorial or Congressional elections, and try to pick the best person for the job. I know I’m being hustled here and am sure that nearly any candidate I pick is a shill for some multinational corporation, but I saw “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington” one too many times and allow myself the illusion of “making a difference”. Once that nonsense is out of the way, I get to the fun stuff.

Often in elections, you are given the choice of candidates you have almost no hope of being able to evaluate. For example, how on earth can I possibly determine who would be the best Head of the State Department of Agriculture? I don’t know a thing about farming and wouldn’t have the foggiest notion of how to pick the most appropriate person for the job. I don’t even really know what they do. That’s when I start voting metal.

Georgia offers the write-in option in all races. Therefore, if you want to vote, like I did, for Venom’s gravel throated frontman Cronos to make the state’s agricultural policies, you can do just that! I felt bad about leaving the rest of the original Venom crew out so Abbadon and Mantas received my nod for seats on my local school board. For County Sheriff, I voted for Sodom’s Tom Angelripper. After all, shouldn’t the saw be the law?

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I stand there typing in metal artists laughing maniacally. I have voted for Ronnie James Dio in every election going back to 1998 for positions ranging from Superintendent of Schools to Federal Judge. Confused people peer over at me and avert their eyes when I look back at them. They probably think I’m a madman. I’m merely a Surrealist-American doing his part to bring this nation one step closer to the golden age of weirdness that has come to be known as The Freak Future.

Usually, you have about 20 different judges to vote for. They often run unopposed, so unless they happened to give you a night in jail for going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit or get caught in a brothel covered from head-to-toe in ox blood, you are going to vote for them. I see this as a great opportunity to pack the courts with metal luminaries ranging from Quorthon to Lemmy. I voted “Slayer” for a seat on the Bench.   The whole band. I struggled mightily with the question of whether this would mean the original Slayer lineup or some of the later incarnations. Who would be the Court drummer Bostaph, Lombardo or Jon Dette?

Sometimes I get bored and switch to other weird possible candidates. One year when the ballot was particularly long, I began voting for excellent defensive shortstops. Mark Belanger, Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Rey Ordonez…on and on.

Mostly I stick to voting metal because this is America and I have been told I can vote for what I believe in. I have been fed an endless supply of bromides and hackneyed platitudes about what size the government is supposed to be or when a baby is truly alive or how a marriage should be defined or what this nation should stand for. Politics is about who gets what and how much of it. At the end of the day, I’m really just voting on whether Wal-Mart, Exxon Mobil and Boeing are going to receive larger tax breaks based on the size of their contributions.

The horrible truth is that climate change is causing environmental catastrophes everywhere. We are engaged in an endless stream of costly, bloody foreign wars. Politicians are empty vessels who have become nearly indistinguishable from mattress salesmen. America is circling the proverbial drain and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about it. When someone asks me how I believe we should handle these problems, I look them square in the eyes and I tell them the only thing I can say that makes any sense to me anymore…

“Don’t blame me, I voted for Heavy Metal”

Metalhead Forced To Remove Artificial Leg With Megadeth Tattoo Before Boarding Flight

The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff

The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff (photo by Matthew Germain)

The greatest threat to Americans today is the looming spectre of terrorist attacks. After all, most people in other countries hate Americans for their freedom and easy access to bread and other such luxury items.

In the wake of 9/11, airport security increased dramatically in the hopes of preventing water bottles and other weapons of possible mass destruction from causing the interruption of commerce and annihilation of innocent human life. That’s why it should come as no surprise to anyone who believes in the values that America stands for that alleged metalhead Mohammad Nidal was detained for 15 hours and eventually forced to surrender his artificial leg at New York’s LaGuardia Airport before he was allowed to board a flight to Akron.

“We’ve seen this sort of thing before,” said TSA officer Ryan Goebbels. “A metalhead takes an artificial limb filled with C-4, brings it on an airplane and boom! Next thing you know airports all over the world close and the airlines and their investors are deprived of millions of dollars of revenue that rightfully belongs to them.”

While most metalheads are harmless neckbeards who spend their time protecting on line metal forums from spam and off-thread references, there are a small number of “evildoers” who wish to do genuine harm to others. From not picking up a fallen child in the mosh pit while they are being trampled to death by wild hellions to potentially murdering thousands of innocent shoppers through the use of improvised explosive devices only days before Christmas, these so-called metalheads have been responsible for many of the worst crimes in American history.

The tattoo of Megadeth mascot Vic Rattlehead is also widely known to be a symbol used by metal gangs who have been known to kill innocent Americans for nothing more than whistling a Michael Bolton song in an elevator. Metal cults have popped up through the Southwest where kids as young as eight years old are drugged with meth and forced to worship images of Slayer vocalist Tom Araya, listen to Venom’s first three records backwards and read passages from the Koran. Ritual sacrifice and infant eating are common Saturday night events for these godless heathens. It is estimated that over 1 million people have joined these cults and gangs in the past six months.

Nidal, who was tied to a chair and questioned under bright lights by several FBI agents, revealed that he owned every Slayer album including “Hell Awaits”, which he had on vinyl. He also revealed plans to listen to all of Death Angel’s “Frolic Through The Park” during the flight. Death Angel’s music is so violent that it has inspired several horrific acts including the attempted assassination of then-President and current saint Ronald Reagan by former Raven drummer John Hinkley.

However, in spite of the danger this menace posed to society, Nidal was released after repeated beatings meant to help him overcome his addiction to this decadent and depraved lifestyle. Not only was he allowed to fly but he was provided generously with several in flight amenities like beverage service and a movie (things that he certainly would not have provided his victims with). He was also given back his artificial limb and metal-ridden iPod when he arrived in Akron. We are, after all, the freest country on earth.

High School Football Phenom Clement “Babalu” Attlee Signs With Venom

The 1981 National Championship Venom Team

The 1981 National Championship Venom Team

The high stakes game of recruiting between the top programs in the country for running back Clement “Babalu” Attlee came to an end early this morning when he announced his intent to join heavy metal band Venom.  Attlee, the all-time leading rusher in California history, starred for four years at Richard L. Ramirez High School in Monterey Park.  The school went 46-0 and won four state championships thanks to the speed and strength of Attlee, the nation’s Number 1 prospect.

Attlee was considered a three star prospect as a junior.  However, in spite of his obvious ability, at 6’0 150 pounds, he was considered not physically developed enough to become a high-level college player.  However, thanks to daily injections of aloe, B-12, botulism and black tar heroin coupled with a sadistic workout regiment, Attlee grew to 5’6 470 pounds during the summer without losing any of his trademark quickness.

Many experts were surprised at Attlee’s choice of Venom.  After all, Venom hasn’t been a national powerhouse since the graduation of two-time Heisman Trophy winner Abbadon.  In spite of producing quality performers like Anthony “Antton” Lant, Alastair “Big Al The Demolition Man” Barnes, Steve “War Maniac” White, and Clive “Jesus Christ” Archer, Venom have never been able to live up to the glory days when Mantas, Abbadon and the Red Light Fever defense ruled the gridiron and won five consecutive national championships.

Attlee At His Workout Day For Venom

Attlee At His Workout Day For Venom

Up until yesterday, it looked like Attlee would sign with either Georgia, Penn State, or Testament.  However, he ruled out Georgia and Penn State because of the harsh winter weather and feared having to share snaps with All-American tailback Chuck Billy if he joined Testament.  Earlier front-runners Slayer lost traction with Attlee after rumors of recruiting violations during the signing of drummer Dave Lombaro led many football analysts to believe the band might soon be put on NCAA probation.

During his signing day press conference, Attlee put four skulls on the press table (each labeled the name of one of his final four possible selections).  He smashed the first three with hammers, then drank yak blood out of the one marked Venom, cueing the press that he had made his choice.

When asked about why he chose Venom, Atlee did not hesitate to name his number one reason.  “I wanted to play for Cronos,” said Attlee as he wiped the blood and bone matter off of his face.  “He’s been laying down some of the heaviest bass riffs and most guttural vocals since 1979.  The guy is a legend.  He’s also a good Christian man who spends a lot of his off-season washing the feet of the poor and building churches in war torn Borneo.  Most importantly, a few years with Coach Cronos and I feel like I’ll be ready to be the best NFL prospect I could possibly be.”

Setting The Record Straight: The Truth Behind Five Popular Heavy Metal Stories

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Often at this website, we are accused of fabricating stories or writing “joke news” articles.  While we consider this sort of attack on our jurnalizmcore integrity to be unfounded and patently absurd, we are willing to admit that there is a good deal of fake news out there parading as truth.  Tyranny of Tradition’s staff of over 500 reporters, 700 editors and 3,000 fact checkers constantly strive to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  The same cannot be said for many of the best-known acts in heavy metal.

The truth is that many of the most memorable stories in metal history are just that, stories.  Nothing more than creations of either the artist or the record label in order to drum up attention for the band.  Here are a few of the most famous myths in heavy metal history unmasked once and for all.

Myth #1:   Dio Invented The Heavy Metal Horns Up Hand Symbol In Praise of The Devil

For a myth to be effective, it often has to have a shred of truth in it.  While it is true that Dio first used and popularized the symbol, it was not invented as the shout out to Satan that most people think.  While Dio was touring with the band Elf in 1972, the band visited Canberra, Australia.  While there, he was performing in front of a crowd filled with mostly deaf aborigines.

During the first song, many in the crowd realized that Dio’s fly was unzipped.  The symbol in Aboriginal Sign Language for “your fly is down” is the horns hand gesture.  Hundreds of people began flashing the sign to Dio, who, thinking it was a spontaneous show of enthusiasm for his music, began flashing it back.  Finally, he realized why they were doing it and took care of the embarrassing situation.  However, he was so impressed by the sea of horns up hand signs, he began incorporating it into his stage act.  Satan had nothing to do with it.

Myth #2  Suicidal Tendencies Singer Mike Muir Is A Jehovah’s Witness

We are often astonished at how many people in our culture are members of this religious movement.  From Prince to Venus and Serena Williams to Abbath, there are many recognizable cultural icons that you wouldn’t think are Jehovah’s Witnesses but are.  Some, like Abbath, even still go door to door preaching The Word.  Mike Muir, however, is not one.

An article appeared 3 years ago in USA Today about the religions history in which Muir was described as an active member of the faith.  The reporter confused Mike Muir from Suicidal Tendencies with Mike Muir, a carpenter from San Luis Obispo, California.  Don’t expect Cyco Miko to come a’knocking at your door anytime soon.

Myth #3 Dave Mustaine Was Once in Metallica

In many ways, this is truly The Great Rock’N’Roll Swindle.  It started as a joke between friends Lars Ulrich and Dave Mustaine.  The two concocted a pretend feud centered on a made up story about Mustaine being kicked out of Metallica.  This was completely untrue.  Over the years, the joke has gotten somewhat out of control with Mustaine going so far as to put a song exactly like a Metallica song on a Megadeth album (Mechanix, a direct copy of The Four Horseman) and several doctored photos and videos of Mustaine with Metallica floating around on the internet.  Things really reached a ridiculous level in 2004 when Ulrich and Mustaine created the hysterical “little Danish friend” scene in the Spinal Tap sequel known as “Some Kind of Monster”.

Myth #4  Happy Days Actor Scott Baio Was The Original Drummer For Slayer

This is yet another in a series of examples of how, as Mark Twain once said, “A heavy metal lie can go halfway around the world before the truth can put on it’s combat boots”.  Scott Baio, known for his work on sitcoms “Happy Days” and “Charles In Charge”, was linked to the band on several websites earlier this year including a Facebook site called “I Bet I Can Get A Million Lithuanians To Tell Kerry King To Let Scott Baio Back In Slayer.”  The rumor, as strange as it sounds, wasn’t all that far from the truth.   Baio is, in fact, a die-hard metal head and played drums briefly in the 80s thrash band Forbidden, but was never in Slayer.

Myth #5  Cronos is The Uncle of British Princess Kate Middleton

This ridiculous, unfounded rumor was circulated around the Internet by some 3rd rate metal Onion site.  Why an Onion would be made out of metal is beside the point.  Typically, Mother Nature is capable of producing both metals and vegetables, but rarely has she seen fit to create a hybrid of the two.  And what would be the point of such a vegetable?

Anyway, this rumor got so out of control that the Royal Family was forced to issue denials and actually barred the writer from ever visiting England.  But, he was not planning on going there anyway, because he had heard that British people eat fish and chips off of newspaper.  Which is disgusting.

Whatever Happened To Nirvana?

Kurt Cobain Today

Kurt Cobain Today

For a short stretch of time in the early 1990s the most important rock band on the planet was Nirvana.  Their 1991 album “Nevermind” shot to the top of the charts and forever changed the face of mainstream music.  Many considered the album’s hit single “Smells Like Teen Spirit” an anthem for a generation.  They followed that success with the multi-platinum selling 1993 album “In Utero”.  Who would have believed that 30 years after the release of that fateful album, Nirvana would be forced to embark on a small club tour in order to help regenerate the lungs of drummer and war hero Dave Grohl?

Things started to go down hill quickly for the band after the success of “In Utero”.  Singer Kurt Cobain struggled with substance abuse and made several failed suicide attempts in 1994.  The band considered breaking up, but soldiered through the difficult times recording the much-heralded 1995 album “Venice Beach”.  While “Venice Beach” was a major critical success, the albums slow pace and “post-grunge” use of only acoustic instruments failed to garner the commercial buzz of the prior two albums.  With Cobain’s health and mental state deteriorating, the band took a year and a half long hiatus.  Bassist Krist Novoselic and Grohl briefly worked on a demo for a side project called The Foo Fighters, while Cobain divorced from Courtney Love and traveled throughout India in the hopes of turning his life around.

Upon Cobain’s return to America in 1997, Novacelic and Grohl abandoned the Foo Fighters project and returned to the studio with Nirvana.  The band attempted to move in a groundbreaking new direction with the 1998 release of “Lost in Olympia”, an album that integrated techno music, polka and bluegrass with Nirvana’s trademark grunge sound.  The album was a complete disaster.  Commonly acknowledged by fans and critics as The Worst Album of the 20th Century, “Lost in Olympia” barely sold 100,000 copies and became a joke within the industry.

Sensing their time had come and gone, the band again took time off from touring and worked on various projects.  Grohl briefly toured with Canadian metal band Voivod before playing on Venom’s 2000 release “Resurrection”. Novoselic started a moderately successful alpaca ranch in Idaho.  Cobain worked for four years on the script for a film adaptation of Sylvia Plath’s novel “The Bell Jar” which he never completed, only to see another version of the film written by Will Smith win the Oscar for Best Picture in 2005.

In 2004, reunion fever swept the music industry in the wake of Guns’N’Roses release of the genre defining rock album “Chinese Democracy”, which is to date the fourth highest selling album in the history of music behind only Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of The Moon” and Testament’s “Dark Roots of Earth”.  Once popular bands like Stone Temple Pilots, Green Jell-O and Nirvana got back in the studio in hopes of capitalizing on the wave of retro-nostalgia.  Unfortunately for Nirvana, success continued to elude them and their 2005 heavily “Nevermind” influenced album “Fuzz Knuckle” was considered dead on arrival, barely even receiving airplay on college radio.

Nirvana worked sparingly throughout the next eleven years, appearing briefly on a Limp Bizkit tribute album, writing a jingle for an Arby’s commercial, and opening for pop superstar Kylie Minogue on the Asian leg of her 2009 tour.  They began several projects that never saw the light of day, including a depression-ridden Christmas album called “A Season in Hell”, but were never able to put out a complete record.  Cobain briefly made news in 2013 with his high-profile six-month marriage to Cher, but quickly faded from the public eye after a nasty divorce.  Cobain became a recluse, putting on 200 pounds and spending his days translating the works of Robert Frost into Arabic.

2016 wasn’t a very good year for most people and Nirvana was no exception.  The Polish invasion of Europe and subsequent limited nuclear war with the United States caused terrible destruction and horror.  Music was the last thing on most people’s minds.  The band barely escaped death as Polish tanks rolled into downtown Tupelo, Mississippi in the winter of that year.  With most of the East Coast either destroyed by nuclear weapons or overrun by Polish soldiers, Nirvana headed to one of the domed cities in Montana in order to survive.

While in Montana, the band joined with other Polish invasion survivors and formed a militia, which eventually retook all of the US mainland and most of Quebec.  Grohl received a medal of distinguished service for his bravery during the Battle of Cleveland in 2019.  However, it was during that battle that the Poles released the debilitating biological weapon that has eaten away at his lungs and left him battling for his life.

Life has returned to normal throughout most of America in 2023.  Music is again a major part of American life.  Cobain and Novoselic have worked tirelessly since the war ended two years ago to raise enough money to bionically regenerate Grohl’s lungs.  With his daughter Francis Bean on drums, Nirvana began a 9-month tour of the cities in the Southwest and on the West Coast that are still functional.  At a concert last week in Provo, Utah (the new Capital of The United States), Grohl briefly returned to the stage using a set of temporary plastic lungs.  The band’s encore of “Come As You Are” sent the 100 or so spectators into fits of wild cheering and screaming.  Just for a moment, it felt like 1991 again.

Protests Erupt as Tyler Perry’s “Diary of A Mad Black Metal Artist” Starring Dani Filth Opens On Broadway

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Tyler Perry is not usually one for controversy.  His plays and movies typically portray painfully uninteresting people wandering through hackneyed plots repeating the sort of dialogue that could have easily been generated by a computer that has been fed the scripts from the top grossing comedies of the past 30 years.  They are meant only to offend members of the John Birch Society and people who thought the whole cross-dressing bit in Mrs. Doubtfire took things “a bit too far”.

However, Perry’s recent foray into playwriting has been met by a flurry of criticism from the heavy metal community.  Last Thursday, “Diary of A Mad Black Metal Artist”, the latest in the Madea series, opened on Broadway.  Dani Filth, lead singer of the black metal band Cradle of Filth, plays the irascible but lovable grandmother usually played by Perry himself.

The story opens when Namond Brice, a good-natured young man with a penchant for getting in trouble in school, is sent by his parents Wee-Bay and De’Londa to live for a summer with live with his grandmother in order to teach him respect and discipline.  Madea, who has just returned from a tour of Europe with her black metal band Carpathian Melanoma, at first struggles to relate to Namond and forces him to spend weeks being tortured in a homemade dungeon.  Soon, however, the two bond over their love of Venom’s “Prime Evil” album and a deep, lasting relationship is formed.  When bloodthirsty leechpeople attack Madea’s farmhouse, Namond uses a flamethrower to kill them and save his beloved grandmother.

In spite of fairly positive reviews from critics, many metalheads are enraged that Dani Filth was cast in the lead as Madea.  “We stridently object to Dani Filth being cast in a play about black metal,” said BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer, head of Black Metal Fans For Decency, Purity and The Nordic Way.  “To refer to Dani as being a black metal artist is a blatant mischaracterization of the black metal community.  His band is, at best, gothic rock, at worst, a plague visited upon the human race to punish us for not bowing down in worship of The Gorgon.”

Krutzmeyer’s group has spent the past 76 hours blocking the entrance to The Eugene O’Neil Theater to try to stop people from attending the play.  Several of the protestors have thrown fake blood on theatergoers.  Three have even gone as far as to catapult bubonic plague infected bodies at members of the cast. Most of the 300 protestors have been arrested, including Krutzmeyer himself.

Perry has been astounded by the reaction to his latest play.  “I have worked hard throughout my entire career to create the most unimaginative, pedestrian, bromidic possible pabulum.  Having someone getting upset about one of my scripts is like seeing someone banging their fists with rage because their local supermarket doesn’t carry 2 percent milk.  My work should be seen as a marketing strategy, certainly not as some deeply significant cultural artifact worth getting arrested over.  Metalheads are some truly messed up people.”

Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms

Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution.  The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.

Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics.  One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this:  Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12.  If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?

The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging.  “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien.  Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice.  The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.

The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it.   In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used.  Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse.  Still, that wasn’t the main issue.  We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.

The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations.  “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.

For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line.  One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies.  The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.

Satan Suspended Indefinitely For “Soul Bounties”; Cronos Named Interim Devil

On Wednesday, God suspended Satan indefinitely from his role as Devil for promising demons as much as 10,000 dollars for each soul they lured into temptation.  Satan’s two head assistants, a gargoyle named Thoth and former American President Ronald Reagan, received slightly lighter suspensions of up to 5000 years, but may be reinstated earlier if they successfully complete anger management classes.

While it was well within Satan’s purview to try to encourage poor behavior on the part of human beings, offering cash incentives for their souls was going a step to far.  Yesterday, the Lord released a statement highlighting examples of the many violations and stating that this sort of “encouragement towards lawlessness and immorality is outside of the bounds of what we call fair play.”

When confronted with this statement, Satan didn’t hesitate to fire back.  “Wait, so I’m getting scolded about morality by the guy was responsible for the extinction of nearly the entire populations of Sodom and Gomorrah.  This is the same God who, on a bet, let me destroy the life of one of his most committed servants, Job. You’ll excuse me; I have to go throw up,” sneered Satan as he spat upon the ground.

In Satan’s absence, Venom frontman Cronos has been named Interim Dark Lord until Satan’s reinstatement. Cronos is a veteran of the dark arts having served in Satan’s Army since 1981.  Cronos even had brief experience running Hell back in 1986 when Satan broke five of his legs in a terrible water skiing accident.

Cronos has many exciting new plans he has considered for Hell including an open mic night, the addition of all-you-can sin brothels and building a stadium in an attempt to lure the Buffalo Bills to Hell, giving the Underworld its first pro sports team since the 1976 Oakland Raiders.

Experts believe that Cronos is a good fit for the position and could bring untold glory to Hell.  However, many fans were disappointed when their first choice, former Giants and Jets coach Bill Parcells, turned the job down.  While Parcells was a flashier name, those around the game respect Cronos for his undying commitment to poisoning the human race with heavy metal and believe that he will be the perfect choice to get Hell back on track.

Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos

There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come.  Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century?  Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.

As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant.  In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby.  “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call.   Little Katy was about to be born.  The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital.  I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time.  Abaddon and I broke down in tears.  It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.

Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life.  She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”.  “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”

As Kate got older she got more involved with the band.  “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts.  She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing.  She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot.  “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar.  I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”

Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls.  “She used to call me her favorite uncle.  She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl.  We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together.  She loved doing the growling part at the end.  Now she won’t even talk to me.”

There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press.  He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media.  “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago.  I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal.  I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money.  I just want my Little Katy back.”

 

 

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