Tag Archives: silkk the shocker

April 9, 2012

Researchers Link “Slayer Obsession” To Food Allergies

By Keith Spillett

John Murphy At A Slayer Concert After Consuming 12 Jars of Pickle Juice

In a surprising study done by Johns Hopkins University, a direct connection has been found between being obsessed with the heavy metal band Slayer and consumption of certain classes of food.   Slayer Obsession, known in medical parlance as Human Epiglottal Lymphogranuloma Lychosis or HELL, has been known to effect two in every three Slayer fans at least one time in their lives.  In more serious cases of Slayer Obsession, a diet rich in certain classes of carbohydrates and proteins has been linked to symptoms as serious as the need to carve the band’s name into a person’s arm, the desire to write “SLAYER” on random Facebook message threads or even the overwhelming need to write the lyrics to “Dead Skin Mask” and other Slayer songs on inappropriate places such as church pews or children’s foreheads.

One food, unsurprisingly, that can cause Slayer addiction is barley, commonly found in beer.  As many as 4 in 10 beer drinkers find themselves with mild to serious cases of HELL.

What is shocking are the other types of food that can lead to this disorder.  The researchers found that people who consume more than 12 ounces of butter per day were found to frequently listen to the album “Seasons in the Abyss” for between 6 and 8 hours in an evening.  Consumption of cucumbers or cottage cheese can lead to the desire to lock oneself in a room and listen to nothing but “South of Heaven” for entire weekends at a time.

The real stunner was that pickle juice is a major contributor to the disorder.  Apparently pryotophan, an amino acid found in pickle juice will, in almost all cases, lead to immediate bouts of HELL and a nearly mindless sense of euphoria.  Many fans at fans Slayer shows, who have recently been seen consuming entire containers of the water in pickle jars, have found themselves running wildly around in circles and running into one an other in a symptom that doctors refer to as “moshing”.  Some Slayer fans have even taken to smoking and free basing pickles before shows in order to get the desired effect.

While doctors for years have believed that only the love of Jesus Christ or a good woman could help HELL sufferers, the Johns Hopkins research team believes that eating certain things can help cure the disorder.  One such food is potting soil.  According to their study, eating 9 ounces of mineral rich potting soil per day can lead a sharp decrease in the need to listen to Slayer.  They also recommend eating at least 3 servings of donkey spleen per week.

For sufferers of this disorder, the future may seem bleak.  They may feel powerless over their obsessions and symptoms.  However, a diet rich in dirt and donkey parts can ensure that, in fact, HELL does not await.

7 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Health Tips for An Early Death

April 5, 2012

Lemmy Has Surgery To Remove Both Livers; Plays Concert That Night

By Keith Spillett

Lemmy On Stage Hours After Liver Removal Surgery

For most people, having one liver removed is a torturous affair that leaves them with months of painful recovery.  Yesterday afternoon, Lemmy Kilmister became the first man to ever have both livers removed at the same time.  The marathon 6-hour surgery was followed by a half hour of recovery, dinner at a local bar and a 2-hour set of classic Motorhead tunes in at The Rock Center, a metal club in downtown Pocatello, Idaho.

Doctors advised Lemmy to take at least three months off from performing, but his commitment to playing heavy metal was too great to hold him back.  “I didn’t want to let the fans in Idaho down.  After all, what do they really have to live for beyond the occasional concert?  They live in Idaho for god sakes,” said Lemmy this morning during his 3-hour weightlifting session.

Lemmy is no stranger to overcoming medical emergencies and soldiering on.  Everyone is, of course, familiar with the time that in 1983 in Antwerp, Belgium he was mauled on stage by 15 pit bulls and continued to play his bass in spite of missing 9 fingers.  Who could forget the time the Chinese government accidentally detonated a nuclear bomb at a test facility 1,000 meters away from a Motorhead concert in Shanghai in 1988?   Everyone within a radius of 12 miles was killed except Lemmy, who went on to play the entire Orgasmatron album from beginning to end to an arena filled with annihilated corpses. However, because of Lemmy’s advanced age, going on stage after a surgery of this type may be his greatest feat.

Doctors are baffled as to how a man who has done so much damage to his body continues to exist.  Their were rumors as recently as 2003 that he was killed and replaced by a Lemmy-like robot, but several doctors have done independent tests to prove that he is a human.  Their was also rampant speculation that Lemmy has regularly been shooting the DNA of famed Russian monk Rasputin directly into his arm in the hopes of becoming indestructible forever, but this also has not been confirmed. Some researchers have reasoned that it is possible that consuming the amount of Jack Daniels that he has ingested over his lifetime has actually made his body impervious to harm of any kind.  Regardless of what his secret is, it is very possible that Lemmy cannot be destroyed by traditional means and will live on well into the next millennium.

18 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

March 27, 2012

MTV to Manowar: “We’re Sorry About All The False Metal”

By Keith Spillett

In an unexpected move, MTV and their parent company Viacom today issued an apology to the metal band Manowar for what they referred to as “crimes against true heavy metal”. Kurt Jamerson, MTV’s Vice President of the Council on Metalhead Affairs, issued a short statement thanking Manowar for their commitment to “keeping it real” all these years and refusing to play on anything below 10.  “At first, MTV started with the best intentions, but soon, our programming became a hodgepodge of hair metal and, eventually, rap metal.  We left no room for artists who were committed to true metal in its most pure, unsullied form.  For this we are deeply sorry.”

While MTV did acknowledge that it had shows like Headbanger’s Ball where some true metal was played it admitted that for every one true metal song they played viewers would see “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison or “Cherry Pie” by Warrant over a thousand times.  According to statistics revealed by MTV, the network’s true to false metal ratio was as high as 1 to 100,000, an unacceptable number for a network who prides itself on being on the cutting edge of music.  Even the Headbanger’s Ball featured the occasional glam song.  After years of extensive lobbying by Manowar, the network has admitted its mistake.

In the press conference following the announcement, Jamerson, who has been with the network for 24 years recalled “I remember getting a letter from Manowar.  The one they talk about in the song Blow Your Speakers.  It was a sheet of paper that had the words ‘What’s going on, man.  Don’t you care about me’ scrawled on it in barely legible handwriting.  Below it was a childlike drawing of Thor driving his hammer into the head of Vince Neil.  I was deeply touched by the words and picture.  I realized that, as a network, we’d been playing on about 7.  That day, I swore an oath to one day get the network to admit its faults.”

MTV has no plans to follow the announcement by adding more true metal to their programming.  Instead, they announced in the same press conference that they plan on extending the series Jersey Shore to a 6th season.  Jersey Shore, along with several other programs featuring highly intoxicated, perplexed looking white kids wearing their pants too low, currently comprise 20 of the network’s 24 hours of daily programming.

Many industry analysts have speculated that the announcement was part of a settlement with Manowar.  The band had brought a 523 billion dollar lawsuit against the network for being “posers”, but the lawsuit was unexpectedly dropped last Friday.  During the press conference, MTV offered each member of Manowar a Whitman’s Sampler, but there is no evidence that money changed hands.  The True Metal Reparations Movement, created by Manowar to heal historical injustices against the armies of true metal, still claims to be at war with most of the major rock radio stations in America for being “losers who better learn that no one controls our goddamn lives.”

Whatever the outcome of the trial, Manowar have vowed to not stop until the armies of true metal triumph over the years of historical oppression.  “When Odin is in the Valley of Doom and Slepnir rides across the starry, blood filled skies, those who did not sell out and wear polyester suits or other crackerjack clothes will be redeemed,” read bassist Joey Demaio’s lawyer, Abraham Freidman, in a written statement given at the MTV press event.   “No one can tell us that we must turn down…..NO ONE.  No one can tell us that we do not control the night……NO ONE.  We are the immortals.  We have won a great victory for metal that is real today.  Tomorrow, we conquer the world!”

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

December 6, 2011

Free Market Anatomy

By Keith Spillett

The Silent Majority

Right Lung, you work hard everyday to move oxygen into the blood stream.  I often find myself thinking that right lungs are the hardest working organs in the body.  What you do is a thankless job.   You are one of the good, hardworking organs.  Many of the other “piker” organs like the liver, the pancreas and the embarrassingly lazy appendix spend their days lollygagging around and benefiting from all the sweat and toil you put in.  They reap the same benefits as you for one tenth of the work.  Now I ask you, is that fair?

What do you get for all your labor….nothing.  Bossed around all day by the Brain.  Sure, the Brain sits up there enjoying the good life while you pump oxygen 24 hours a day without a break.  Only like 10 percent of the Brain even does anything, Lung.  But it feels entitled to tell you what to do?  Who gives it the right?  The Brain thinks it knows everything, but let it spend ten minutes trying to convert angiotensin I to angiotensin II.  Puh-lease!

The Brain wastes all this time consulting with different useless departments like the cerebellum, the parietal lobe and the frontal lobe all the while using the precious oxygen that you generously provide it with.  Sipping coffee and making policy decisions while you pump away.  Enforcing its sadistic code of anatomical correctness.  They redistribute your oxygen to every organ regardless of how hard they work and you get nothing but the short end of the trachea.  What is your reward for all of your effort?  Nothing but lectures on how you should produce more oxygen just because the body is running or underwater.  You go under appreciated while the other organs bask in the rewards of your effort.

Right Lung, I want you to know that there is another way to live.  I’m not sure if you are aware of this but the body is essentially a communistic system.  All the organs benefit equally, no matter how important their contribution is.  What is your incentive to work harder than say, the Left Lung?  As we all know, human nature clearly shows us that we can only be happy if we are pitted against each other in bloodthirsty competition for control of all of the vital resources of the body.  Cooperation between the organs has left the lazy viscera sitting pretty while the diligent, enterprising ones do all the work.

Instead of allowing this madness to continue, I propose we move towards an “every organ for itself” system.  If one lung produces oxygen really well, I say why punish it for being good at its job?  It should be allowed to keep as much of the oxygen as it makes.  This way all of the weaker organs will die off and the strong ones will be left to create a better body, without free-riding, parasitic entrails.  Let’s face it, you will not be free until the body stops coddling the slothful and the shiftless.  A truly free market anatomy promises each organ will be judged on its merit as an individual and not held back from producing and consuming anything it wants.  When the body stops forcing all of the organs to work together in some socialistic form of “harmony” and begins to compensate organs for what they contribute and no more, then, and only then will we be free.

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

November 23, 2011

Manowar Secedes From United States Over Obama’s “False Metal Agenda”

By Keith Spillett

Into Guam Ride

In a stunning, utterly asinine move, legendary metal band Manowar, frustrated with the false metal policies of the Obama administration, seceded from the United States this morning. President Obama has recently made several decisions that have angered the Anti-False Metal Community including vetoing a bill that would have mandated life prison sentences for anyone caught with a Staind or Nickleback album and brought back the guillotine for anyone convicted of knowing the name of more than one Stryper song.

Obama, who had promised a poser free America by 2020, also recently scrapped plans to create a Department of True Metal.  According to Manowar frontman Eric Adams, “This False Metal President came to Washington promising change.  If your idea of change is watching the Olsen Twins running around in Master of Puppets shirts or hearing that stupid Pumped Up Kicks song on the radio 42 times a day, then you are not my friend.”

Adams and the current lineup of the band have claimed the island of Guam “in the name of real, serious, true, genuine, honest, authentic, unquestionable, forthright, unfeigned, irrefutable, unambiguous, steadfast, bona fide, resolute, unaffected, substantive, uncontrived, headbanging metal”.  Guam will be a refuge for frustrated metalheads, tired of living in a world where even a new Morbid Angel album can bring shame and despair.

Residents of Guam, mostly unaware of the change in leadership, had mixed reaction to the news.  Some Guamites saw the news as a hopeful sign.  “Hopefully Manowar can rid us of our recent infestation of Coconut Rhinoceros Beetles.  If they can do that, I’m all for this” said Arturo Gratame, a farmer in the city of Yona.   Others, like resturaunt owner Moru Calvo were deeply upset by the change.  “They’ve written about one good song since Triumph of Steel.  Now we are going to trust our lives and property to them.  I don’t think so!”

Most Congressmen either didn’t know who Manowar was or were annoyed to be asked ridiculous questions while busy not passing any piece of important legislation to alleviate suffering caused by the stagnant American economy. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid seemed particularly hostile to the secession of Manowar.  “Like I don’t have enough to deal with already.  What the hell are they talking about?  Manowar isn’t a country.  They are a band.  They can’t secede from the United States.  And they certainly can’t have Guam.  We have military bases there.   They can’t just take it over cause they are pissed off that Metallica did that stupid record with Lou Reed or because there are too many mallgoths.  It’s unacceptable.”

Adams, who arrived in Guam this morning on a flying golden chariot, dismissed Senator Reid’s comments as “the typical posturing of someone who secretly listens to Maroon 5 albums in his basement while reading Cosmopolitan Magazine and wearing a pink taffeta gown.  Reid wouldn’t make it through one song at a Manowar concert before his entrails would be consumed by The Army of Immortals.”

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry, who once also threatened to have Texas secede from the Union, compared Manowar’s plight to the South during The Civil War.  “I can understand the frustration those boys feel.  They are sick and tired of being pushed around by federal government, just like the South felt when they rose up and rebelled against President John F. Kennedy and the North in the Civil War.  I hope they are successful.  After all, Guam is currently being run by socialists.”

The band is currently meeting on a mountaintop overlooking the village of Santa Rita awaiting instructions from Odin on how to proceed.  Joey DeMaio, the band’s bassist and spiritual leader, believes they will successfully conquer Guam in a few days in spite of the fact that they will probably have to subdue the mighty U.S. Navy in order to do it.  “I will crack the whip with a bold, mighty hail,” pronounced DeMaio as bolts of lightning shot from his sword.  “The earth will probably drink much blood today, but it shall not be ours.  We shall ride into glory….because…..WE………..ARE THE METAL KINGS!!!!!!!”

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

October 16, 2011

Califivenia Dreaming

By Keith Spillett

The Clown Prince of Denmark....A Grenine Dane

One of the great comedy bits ever concocted is Victor Borge’s famed “inflationary language” sketch.  Borge, the brilliant Danish pianist and comedian, devised a way of inflating the value of each word that has a number in it by taking the number and adding one.  Thus, the constitution becomes the constitthreesion, lieutenant becomes lieuelevenant, tulips become threelips and on and on.  Utterly hysterical.

While Borge’s idea is a comedic masterpiece, I wonder if he didn’t happen to luck into a fantastic way of creating a more precise version of the English language.  We live in a world where hyperbole is commonplace.  Both a grilled cheese sandwich and a beautiful, once in a lifetime sunset can both be referred to as “wonderful”.  The listener is left to determine from context clues and body language which wonderful is more wonderful.  But, these bits of evidence can be misleading and in a text-based situation like the internet, one can easily miss the difference between the commonplace “wonderful” and the nearly spiritual “wonderful”.

Borge has unwittingly given us a solution.  Numbers combined with language can help us find a more precise answer to the deeper meaning of many words.  So, the excellent grilled cheese that you consumed for lunch can be “threetaful” or two points better than wonderful.  The sunset which brought tears to your eyes is much more likely “tentaful”, a full nine points better than the original.  In this way, once can clearly discern the differences between a great sandwich and a magnificent experience of nature’s wonder (or tender in this case).

Think of all the miscommunications this could clear up.  If someone produces a really quality work of art it could be called a great “creatention”, a true masterpiece would be much more along the lines of a “creafifteention” and the best piece of art you’ve ever come across might well be a “creathirtytion” or even a “creainfinitytion”.  Think of how much additional joy your neighbors will feel during the holidays when you complement them on their “sixtaful decortwelvetions”

It could work in either direction, too.  Let’s say you meet someone you have a serious romantic interest in and make an offer to become better acquainted.   There is no ambiguity in that person telling you, “No, I don’t want to go over your house and negativeonenicate.”  In that case, it’s clear she’s not being coy and any sort of future inquiries should be made elsewhere.

In literature, there are serious possibilities as well.  A writer could be given the gift of being able to explain complex circumstances in one word.  A character with a ridiculously pronounced area between his eyebrows and his hairline could simply be described as a person with an “eighthead”.  A character maimed by a poorly performed birth ritual could be quickly noted as someone with a problem with his “twoskin”.  A character who is overly honest could be referred to as being “seventhright”.  No fuss, no muss.  Think of the efficiency.

Five us four fully understand each other it is a greytwelve skill six learn.   When we creaeighteen a more precise language much of the twentytion that arises from miscommunications will be mitigtened.  Face it, our current language is assafive.

Here’s Borge’s original bit…..

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Nonsensical Non sequiturs, Uncategorized

October 11, 2011

Barely Awake Finnegan

By Keith Spillett

You wandered aimlessly or aimed wondrously
Or maybe both
Or maybe neither
About thyme to waist or maybe just Rosemary’s two thighs
An English major who was not general enough to become an English Major
You wonder if you are nothing but sheep just as ewes wonder if they are nothing but sheep
As they graze off into the distance
But sheep sleep
And dream of themselves jumping over fences
Or maybe neither

(!!!!You probably think that runny eggs are out of shape because they never come out of their shells!!!!!!)

Just as a pastor eyes milk
(Or at least two percent do)
As worms learn to hate silk
(Which we hope isn’t true)
Can a ewe eschew this sort of snafu?
(Or at least creatures of their ilk)
Or maybe neither

My unorthodox friend went to see his uncle in Antioch
(But not his aunt in Uncleoch?!?!?)
Because he is pro-Constantinople
But he can’t wholly see, you see!
Or maybe neither

Kids today I tell you…..
(They grow up to be goats)
Ant live with them……
(Ants ruin a picnic)
Or maybe neither

(!!!!!Are you moving the puppet or is the puppet moving you?????)
A tail wagging a dog
(Told by a mongrel)
Somewhere in Missouri
(Signifying nothing)
Or maybe neither

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

October 5, 2011

Mambo #5 In Z-Flat Minor: Dissecting Carcass’ Oxidized Razor Masticator

By Shawn "Von Deathmetal" Jobe

Editors note:  Tyranny of Tradition is honored to be visited by guest writer and world-renowned grindcore expert Dr. Shawn “Von Deathmetal” Jobe. Shawn received his doctorate from the prestigious Millard Fillmore School of Grindcore Studies at Yale University. Dr. Von Deathmetal has just emerged from seven years on a mountaintop in Tibet continuously listening to Brutal Truth’s Extreme Conditions Demand Extreme Responses in the hopes of gaining spiritual enlightenment. Dr. Von Deathmetal has also been on the forefront of the medical movement to use grindcore to help reduce migraines and plantar warts. He is a Pisces whose hobbies include juggling squirrels and playing canasta.

Reek Of Putrefaction,the 1988 release from Carcass, is easily one of the most misunderstood albums ever recorded.  Before Carcass became actual musicians and wrote some of the greatest riffs in the history of metal, they created their first album. Bill Steer, getting a fresh start after his tenure in Napalm Death joined short-lived vocalist Sanjiv and Ken Owen. Jeff Walker eventually took over on bass & vocals.

Trying to one-up his former noisemongers (one can only assume), Steer & co. entered a quaint studio fit for wealthy canines of the feminine sort in December of 1987 with 83 guitars, 12 bass guitars, a drum kit, 2 tornadoes, and 7 or 8 car crashes, depending on who you ask. The end result? The Reek Of Putrefaction. On the surface, it is cacophony of the highest measure, with all the melody of a combat tank rolling through landmine infested terrain. However, once you’ve stripped it down and have peeled back all of the layers, you soon discover that it was England’s answer to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born To Run” album.

Oxidized Razor Masticator

Chomping and splicing, your gums sliced to shreds

Tattered bloody ribbons, incisored skin is shred

Scraping on sore teeth, cracking and chipping

Shredding and mincing raw nerve endings

Salivating – sanguis, phlegm, froth and foam

Masticating – your mandible stripped to the bone

Mangling your tongue, bloody torn and dripping

The swollen savage muscle frayed and blistering

Your vocal chords severed, your lips are mutilated

Masticating carved palate as your mouth is grated

Only raw gargles croak from your throat

A trickling death-rasp as you choke

A silly grin carved from ear to ear

Spurting mucus and tongue as your wind-pipe tears

Gaping and sore

The rusty razors bore

Skin hangs and seeps

Peptic ulcers bleed

Your mouth is a sea of cartilage, rabid saliva bleeds

Swallowing shredded tongue and pulverized, crunching teeth

Respirating a bolus of rusty razor blades

“Oxidized Razor Masticator”, unlike the album’s more eloquent tracks, lacks philosophical ambiguity. It was simply Carcass taking a few moments to set things straight. Rumors began to circulate that Carcass members were vegetarians. This was not due, however, to their love of vegetables, but rather their willingness to ingest anything that was not beef, pork, etc.

This hideous buffet included oxidized razors. Nowhere can you find the use of this method more upfront than the blood-gargling vocals in the second verse here. Clearly practitioners of what they preached, Carcass were said to have owned stock in the Gillette Corporation, and later on, the Mach series of blades were inspired by the fast pace of the band’s music.

The song starts off with a veritable ‘how-to’ take on grindcore vocalizing with the Step One of “Chomping and splicing, your gums sliced to shreds.” From that point on, they lay out the instructional manual for every goregrind band that would enter the scene for the next 20+ years. From General Surgery to County Medical Examiners.  From (early) Exhumed to Lymphatic Phlegm. The entire subgenre owes their vocal assault to the clearly printed lyrics to this song. “Your mouth is a sea of cartilage, rabid saliva bleeds – Swallowing shredded tongue and pulverized, crunching teeth.” Indeed, lads. Indeed.

3 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

September 19, 2011

Ending The Suffering In Style: Mets Promotions That Might Actually Get People To Citi Field in September

By Keith Spillett

Sandy Alderson and I have been in a regular Friday night card game for the past three years.  It’s a pretty low stakes game, but things got a bit out of hand last week.  Sandy, or Santino as he likes to be called, went all in on a straight flush that never materialized.  Long story short, Santino owes me 20 large. I know for a fact that he owes some very dangerous guys some serious coin, including an ungodly amount to a guy out in Staten Island that they call Joey The Lamppost.  Anyway, I told Santino that if he lets me run the promotion side for the Mets for the last 6 games of the year, a god awfully unbearable home stand against two deeply disinterested teams, that I’d forgive what he owes me and talk to a few friends about allowing him to arrange a payment schedule that doesn’t involve forfeiting his kidneys.  Basically, I get to create whatever promotions I want.  I personally think this will be a good thing, because only a diehard baseball fans and flashers will be out for most of the games.  These promotions might just get a few folks out to say farewell to another season of mind-numbingly awful baseball.

Friday Night vs. The Phillies

(Night of The Old Timers)

Most baseball teams have an old timers day, so this is not a new idea.  However, few teams have actually ever had their old timers team play the actual game.  The Phillies will have already clinched the division and will be resting everyone who is even marginally relevant to the team’s success.  Why not have some fun?  What could be more enjoyable than watching 66-year-old Eddie Kranepool trying to leg out an infield grounder or 67-year-old Ron Swoboda trying to hit a Brad Lidge slider?  Imagine Cleon Jones trying to make a sliding catch and having to be revived by paramedics.  Could 74 year old Choo-Choo Coleman throw out fleet-footed Catcher Brian Schneider as he was stealing 3rd base?  Who knows?  Who cares?  They are 26 games out of first place for God sakes.

Saturday Afternoon vs. The Phillies

 (Come, Come To The Sabbath Saturday)

Anyone who has spent more than 5 seconds on this blog has to have figured out that I am completely obsessed with metal artist King Diamond.  Imagine all the players dressed in King Diamond face paint reflecting the many eras of the King’s career.  David Wright wearing the King’s Conspiracy look.  Jose Reyes rocking The Puppet Master era top hat and backwards cross paint.  Free orange sherbet to the first 500 fans (so, basically everybody who will be there).  About two thirds of you just collectively said, “What on earth is this fool talking about?”  They will probably stop reading at this point, thus depriving themselves of a golden opportunity to hear about Ruben Tejada fighting a bear.

Sunday Afternoon vs. The Phillies

(Ruben Tejada Fights A Bear Day)

I have yet to find a use for Ruben Tejada.  People often tell me that he has a great deal of potential.  He looks to me like a back-up middle infielder who, if everything goes perfectly and he manages to join a Santeria sect capable of utilizing functional spells, could one day hit .290.  Why not have him fight a bear?  Who wouldn’t love to watch little Ruben battle one of nature’s most terrifying beasts?  Have the fight in the 5th inning and whoever wins gets to play second for the rest of the game.  Imagine watching a bear, barely finished digesting Ruben Tejada trying to turn a double play.  Some groups would call this cruelty to animals, but truthfully, unless there is a group that tries to prevent cruelty to moderately talented, light hitting second basemen, no one will complain too loudly.

Monday Night vs. The Reds

(Franz Kafka Night)

Imagine it…an entire baseball game dedicated to the demented mind of Franz Kafka. The game starts in the 4th inning.  In the first inning, which follows the 8th, second base is removed mid-inning leaving the players to contemplate how to get to third.  Pitchers refuse to pitch for hours cynically watching the batters prepare for a pitch that may never come.  On a 3-2 fastball down the middle, the umpire randomly yells out “SQUID!”  No one knows how to proceed.  Jason Bay randomly turns into a giant turtle while running to first base after hitting a single.  The game ends with both teams being swallowed by a choking fog that descends onto the field and disappearing into a vast and cruel nothingness.

Tuesday Night vs. The Reds

(Retiring Juan Samuel’s Jersey)

Do you remember the year that Juan Samuel led the Mets to the playoffs by hitting .400 down the stretch including a game winning homerun against the Cardinals to clinch the division?  Or the time he picked up his third consecutive MVP award and led the Mets to back-to-back World Series victories?  Of course you don’t.  The Juan Samuel trade was a Hindenburg like catastrophe that managed to rip the heart and soul out of a once great team and all but ruin my childhood.  Most teams retire player’s jersey because he performs at a high level.  Listen, we are Mets fans.  If there’s anything that epitomizes the franchise it is devastating trades that hamstring the organization for decades.  Why not celebrate what we do best?!?!

I have no idea what his jersey number was.  I don’t even think he remembers.  We certainly could retire his batting average with the Mets in 1989.  From this day forward, no one will be allowed to hit .228 again!

Wednesday Night vs. The Reds

(The Stoning of Mr. Met Night)

You know that Pepsi commercial they have now where all the great baseball players from different eras in a Field of Dreams type set up?  While most clubs are represented by some great player like Randy Johnson or Dennis Eckersley, the Mets are represented by a dude with a baseball on his head.  As if to say, the best thing that your storied franchise can produce is a silly mascot.  Personally, I find the whole bit insulting.  I have a deep hatred for mascots in general, but Mr. Met causes my heart to pump pure bile.  The only way to truly end this fiasco of a season properly is by having Mr. Met pelted to death with stones.  Thousands of them!  It’s the only rational solution.

Wound him to the point that no thinking person will ever put a giant baseball on his head in the Tri-State area again.  Make an example out of him!  Send a message to baseball that goofy mascots will not be tolerated.  Lets remind America that we can again become the unruly demented mob that trashed Shea Stadium after clinching the division in 1986.  Turn Mr. Met into a human piñata, then we’ll start winning some championships.

2 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Blithering Sports Fan Prattle

August 2, 2011

Highlights From Today’s Bizarre Brett Favre Press Conference

By Keith Spillett

As every sports fan knows, August is the month in which the media spends an inordinate amount of time discussing whether Brett Favre will stay retired or not.  This has been a solid tradition in American sports journalism going back to the 1920s.  I was a bit concerned that the month was almost a day old and I had not heard a Favre story.  Then came this morning’s press conference.  As a service to the American public, who would surely collapse into fits of stifling depression without their hourly Brett Favre fix, I present to you the transcript from today’s press conference.

Brett Favre sits at a table in front of a microphone wearing a tee shirt, a baseball cap and jeans. Hundreds of excited journalists sit drooling with blind, wild, animal enthusiasm coursing through their veins.

Favre:  I don’t want to take too much of your time today.  There has been some speculation that I would be returning to the NFL this season.  I want to set the record straight.  I am retired, I will stay retired, and that’s the end of it.  I have no idea why people keep bringing up my return to football, but to be clear, I am not coming back.

Reporter #1:  Mr. Favre, is their any truth to the rumor that you considered returning to the Green Bay Packers this season?

Favre:  Well, I’ve been in negotiations with the Packers for the last two weeks.  I’d like to take this moment and officially announce I will be returning to the NFL as a Green Bay Packer this season.

Reporter #2:  But, Mr. Favre, I don’t understand, you just said you would not be returning to the NFL this year?

Favre:  See, now you are putting words in my mouth.  I called this press conference today to announce that I will be returning to the NFL as a New York Giant.  The Giants don’t need a quarterback, but they have told me I can be their punter.

Reporter #3:  Wait, Mr. Favre, so….please help me understand.

Favre:  This has been a difficult decision, but today, I’m proud to announce that I have decided to become a professional baseball player.  I will start out in Birmingham with the White Sox minor league affiliate and hopefully will be in the majors by next spring.

Reporter #4:  But, Brett….I…….What?!?!?!

Favre:  Thank you so much for coming today.  I would like to take this moment to announce that I am going to become a real Viking.  I plan on dressing up like Leif Erickson and exploring Nova Scotia.

Reporter #5:  Wait….wait…Mr….

Favre:  There has been a lot of speculation as to my plans for next season.  I want to make it clear in no uncertain terms that I plan to move to Burma.   There, I will be working to overthrow the military junta that controls that country.  I was considering returning to the NFL, but this cause is much more important.

Reporter #6:  Mr. FARVE….please…..help us….we all have stories to write……we can’t deal with this sort of uncertainty…..please….help us…..

Favre:  Let me be clear.   There have been a lot of rumors about my return to the NFL.  The media just seems to run wild with irrational ideas.  Let me be 100 percent clear with you.  I plan next season to undergo surgery that will merge my body with a mountain goat creating a Minotaur-like creature.

Reporter #7:  Okay…okay…you’ve said a lot of conflicting things here.  Please settle on one story…

Favre:  You know…I don’t appreciate being pushed to make a decision.  I called this press conference to end all of the wild speculation.  So….let me announce today, without a shadow of doubt, that I plan on becoming the color orange next year.  Wherever there is orange, a small bit of my soul will appear.  I will be in orange paint, orange juice, oranges, orange sherbet, orange tee shirts, basketball rims….everywhere!  I will be orange!

Reporter #8:  It’s not possible for a human being….wait…

Favre:  Listen, I want to end all of the speculation right now.  I have never actually existed.  I am a collection of illusory particles sent to earth from the planet Zuhro in the Nubuloid sector of Bode’s Galaxy.  All the memories you have of me were implanted in your minds as a practical joke.  There never was a Brett Favre.  My fellow Hehroites was simply having fun at your expense.  You participated in a long-term collective hallucination in the hopes of amusing beings that were very bored.

And with that, Favre disappeared in a giant burst of blue light….

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