Posts Tagged Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton Pregnant With Spawn of Satan; Venom Singer “Uncle Cronos” Invited To Baptism

Snake On A Plate

It looks like the pitchfork doesn’t fall far from the tree!

After weeks of speculation about why Princess Kate has been wearing a tannis root necklace and eating raw chicken, it has been revealed by source close to the Royal Family that she is pregnant with “a child whose birth will summon a new era of wars, plague and pestilence.”

The child, who apparently was conceived by the light of a full moon during a cult ritual rendezvous with a cloven-hooved beast on a vacation on the island of Mustique, will likely take over the British throne when he reaches the age of 16. British tabloids have already begun speculating that once England is controlled by Satan, they will begin to recolonize the world in order to brand The Dark Prince’s barcode on the foreheads of all humans.

Many have speculated that the cloven-hooved beast may have, in fact, been her husband Prince William. However, the British monarchy has recently moved away from the practice of inbreeding, so the possibility of William having hooves is much lower than it would have been a century ago.

When Princess Kate officially got word of her pregnancy, her first phone call was to her Uncle Cronos (Conrad Lant). Since her marriage to William, Kate has shunned her uncle who is best known for his work in the hard rock band Venom.  According to sources deep within the satanic underworld, her first words to Cronos were “Looks like our plan worked! HE shall be born! HE shall lead us! In nomine Dei nostri Satanas Luciferi, Uncle Cronos!”

In League With Satan?

In League With Satan?

The Royal Family has refused to acknowledge her relationship with the controversial metal vocalist up until today. However, Cronos has not only been invited to the baptism, but will even be allowed to dip the child’s head in the “Blood of the Elders” at the end of the service.

The “Black Mass” is tentatively scheduled for June 6th, 2015 at an undisclosed location in the Middle East. It will be attended by several heads of state, a representative of the Illuminati and will be filmed by legendary film director Roman Polanski.

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Satan Suspended Indefinitely For “Soul Bounties”; Cronos Named Interim Devil

On Wednesday, God suspended Satan indefinitely from his role as Devil for promising demons as much as 10,000 dollars for each soul they lured into temptation.  Satan’s two head assistants, a gargoyle named Thoth and former American President Ronald Reagan, received slightly lighter suspensions of up to 5000 years, but may be reinstated earlier if they successfully complete anger management classes.

While it was well within Satan’s purview to try to encourage poor behavior on the part of human beings, offering cash incentives for their souls was going a step to far.  Yesterday, the Lord released a statement highlighting examples of the many violations and stating that this sort of “encouragement towards lawlessness and immorality is outside of the bounds of what we call fair play.”

When confronted with this statement, Satan didn’t hesitate to fire back.  “Wait, so I’m getting scolded about morality by the guy was responsible for the extinction of nearly the entire populations of Sodom and Gomorrah.  This is the same God who, on a bet, let me destroy the life of one of his most committed servants, Job. You’ll excuse me; I have to go throw up,” sneered Satan as he spat upon the ground.

In Satan’s absence, Venom frontman Cronos has been named Interim Dark Lord until Satan’s reinstatement. Cronos is a veteran of the dark arts having served in Satan’s Army since 1981.  Cronos even had brief experience running Hell back in 1986 when Satan broke five of his legs in a terrible water skiing accident.

Cronos has many exciting new plans he has considered for Hell including an open mic night, the addition of all-you-can sin brothels and building a stadium in an attempt to lure the Buffalo Bills to Hell, giving the Underworld its first pro sports team since the 1976 Oakland Raiders.

Experts believe that Cronos is a good fit for the position and could bring untold glory to Hell.  However, many fans were disappointed when their first choice, former Giants and Jets coach Bill Parcells, turned the job down.  While Parcells was a flashier name, those around the game respect Cronos for his undying commitment to poisoning the human race with heavy metal and believe that he will be the perfect choice to get Hell back on track.

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Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos

There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come.  Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century?  Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.

As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant.  In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby.  “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call.   Little Katy was about to be born.  The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital.  I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time.  Abaddon and I broke down in tears.  It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.

Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life.  She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”.  “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”

As Kate got older she got more involved with the band.  “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts.  She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing.  She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot.  “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar.  I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”

Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls.  “She used to call me her favorite uncle.  She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl.  We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together.  She loved doing the growling part at the end.  Now she won’t even talk to me.”

There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press.  He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media.  “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago.  I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal.  I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money.  I just want my Little Katy back.”

 

 

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