U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums
April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche. Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion. After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice. Things quickly spiraled out of control.
Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name. Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation: Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.
Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”. That record is due April 21st.
James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.
Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend. “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.
Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th. On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”
These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected. Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.
Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms
Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution. The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.
Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics. One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this: Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12. If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?
The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging. “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien. Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice. The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.
The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it. In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used. Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse. Still, that wasn’t the main issue. We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.
The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations. “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.
For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line. One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies. The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.
BlaK Dan Reviews Ketchup
My brother-in-law, BlaK Dan, is at it again. If you’ve been following his saga here at Tyranny, you already know that he lost all his money investing in Amway products and is sleeping on my couch until he “gets on his feet again”. He was living in a cave until a park ranger kicked him and his pet ferret out and now we are stuck with him. He does nothing but parade around our house wearing a Burzum tee-shirt and eating cornflakes out of a Qwik Rabbit mug he’s had since he was 8.
The man has no dreams, no goals other than one day managing a metal message board and playing one note black metal songs “whilst alone in a forest”. In order to keep him busy, my wife has asked me to let him write an occasional metal album review for the blog. Here’s where it gets tricky…he’s now refusing to listen to any metal. He’s decided that he will only write reviews of inanimate objects, because metal music is “unworthy of his talents”. So…here’s another in the endless, intolerable and ever-changing series now known as “BlaK Dan Reviews Ordinary Household Items”.
BlaK Dan Coming Upstairs After A Late Night Cornflake Binge
People who put ketchup on food are idiots. They have no idea of what food in its purest form tastes like. They are animals. They do not have the right to exist. When I am at a diner and a see one of these “people” consuming food with ketchup on it, I know they are sub-humans unworthy of the oxygen that Odin and I provide them with.
This blood-colored ooze spews out of disgustingly shaped bottles and pollutes our food with its hideous sweetness. If you are ever curious as to which amongst you are inferior, here’s a simple test. If they have defiled a perfectly good and pure lump of meat with this syrup of sickness, then you can rest assured that they are degenerate parasites who are wasting the flesh, bone and will that they were born with.
If you use ketchup, it is because you are weak. I refuse to tolerate your weakness. If I had my way, they’d bring back the guillotine and behead each and every one of you cowards. You violate all that is decent in our world then have the temerity to call me intolerant or unclean or in violation of local health code standards or someone who can’t live within 500 yards of an elementary school. It is you that are a pox upon our world, Ketchup-eater. And it is you that should pay the ultimate price for your life of decadence.
You befoul our forests and streams with your civilized blandishments and then wonder why your world is repulsive and depraved. The essence of life is being destroyed by an endless flow of ketchup. Ketchup in the mountains. Ketchup in the valleys. Ketchup in our seas. Ketchup in our forests. Ketchup in our oceans. Ketchup everywhere you look. Ketchup in the name of progress. You have contaminated the world and destroyed all that is sacred.
You think you are so clever. You eat your ketchup and you laugh and laugh and laugh. Ha, Ha, Ha….look at civilized me with my ketchup and my Italian leather shoes. Aren’t I something else? Look at my fancy ketchup eating wife and my two well-dressed ketchup-eating children. Aren’t I unique?
You think because you eat ketchup you have the right to judge me. I am above your judgments. You are slime. Like Zarathustra, I am surrounded by fools and idiots spewing a ridiculous ketchup-soaked morality that is meaningless. MEANINGLESS! I hear your snickers, I see your scorn, but it is you that are vile and you that are impure. If you hadn’t allowed ketchup to taint your world, you would know me and understand that you are unworthy to be in my presence. Instead, I am stuck here in moron hell watching you wallow in ketchup and despising every minute of it. I hate all of you.
FILTH!!!!!!
MTV to Manowar: “We’re Sorry About All The False Metal”
In an unexpected move, MTV and their parent company Viacom today issued an apology to the metal band Manowar for what they referred to as “crimes against true heavy metal”. Kurt Jamerson, MTV’s Vice President of the Council on Metalhead Affairs, issued a short statement thanking Manowar for their commitment to “keeping it real” all these years and refusing to play on anything below 10. “At first, MTV started with the best intentions, but soon, our programming became a hodgepodge of hair metal and, eventually, rap metal. We left no room for artists who were committed to true metal in its most pure, unsullied form. For this we are deeply sorry.”
While MTV did acknowledge that it had shows like Headbanger’s Ball where some true metal was played it admitted that for every one true metal song they played viewers would see “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison or “Cherry Pie” by Warrant over a thousand times. According to statistics revealed by MTV, the network’s true to false metal ratio was as high as 1 to 100,000, an unacceptable number for a network who prides itself on being on the cutting edge of music. After years of extensive lobbying by Manowar, the network has admitted its mistake.
In the press conference following the announcement, Jamerson, who has been with the network for 24 years recalled “I remember getting a letter from Manowar. The one they talk about in the song Blow Your Speakers. It was a sheet of paper that had the words ‘What’s going on, man. Don’t you care about me’ scrawled on it in barely legible handwriting. Below it was a childlike drawing of Thor driving his hammer into the head of Vince Neil. I was deeply touched by the words and picture. I realized that, as a network, we’d been playing on about 7. That day, I swore an oath to one day get the network to admit its faults.”
MTV has no plans to follow the announcement by adding more true metal to their programming. Instead, they announced in the same press conference that they plan on extending the series Jersey Shore to a 6th season. Jersey Shore, along with several other programs featuring highly intoxicated, perplexed looking white kids wearing their pants too low, currently comprise 20 of the network’s 24 hours of daily programming.
Many industry analysts have speculated that the announcement was part of a settlement with Manowar. The band had brought a 523 billion dollar lawsuit against the network for being “posers”, but the lawsuit was unexpectedly dropped last Friday. During the press conference, MTV offered each member of Manowar a Whitman’s Sampler, but there is no evidence that money changed hands. The True Metal Reparations Movement, created by Manowar to heal historical injustices against the armies of true metal, still claims to be at war with most of the major rock radio stations in America for being “losers who better learn that no one controls our goddamn lives.”
Whatever the outcome of the trial, Manowar have vowed to not stop until the armies of true metal triumph over the years of historical oppression. “When Odin is in the Valley of Doom and Slepnir rides across the starry, blood filled skies, those who did not sell out and wear polyester suits or other crackerjack clothes will be redeemed,” read bassist Joey Demaio’s lawyer, Abraham Freidman, in a written statement given at the MTV press event. “No one can tell us that we must turn down…..NO ONE. No one can tell us that we do not control the night……NO ONE. We are the immortals. We have won a great victory for metal that is real today. Tomorrow, we conquer the world!”
Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening
Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP
The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar. The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland. Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures. The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.
While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002. Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005. It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.
The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering. Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass. “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings. It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”
Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent. “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made. A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’. I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed. Djent ruined my life.”
Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about. They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results. “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’ They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.
Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future. Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays. In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts. Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8. If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.
Djent Sufferer Playing A 213 String Guitar
Iron Maiden Plans “The Least of The Beast” 2013 Tour; Will Play All Songs People Hate
The greatest band in the known universe is about to reinvent the idea of a tour. After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Maiden England 2012 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35 year catalogue. According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal. What is more cutting edge then making people pay 85 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”
Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands. They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 monks over the past 5 years. In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before. They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5).
In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long. Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song. If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.
What could possibly top that setlist? How about an encore where they play the entire new Final Frontier album. Twice. Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica. It should be a night few will soon forget.
The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour. They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner. Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2014.
(Thanks to Brutal Brad, Metal Matt, Jive Time Jimmy Camiby, Nansen Von Deathmetal and Corporal Punishment in the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department for your help breaking this important story)
Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”
Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview
Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia. The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career. He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe. We also discussed the current state of heavy metal. Here are some highlights from our interview….
Tyranny: So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?
Satan: Well, I’m particularly proud of greed. Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch. I’m also very partial to vanity. It’s the best gateway drug ever invented. If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it. Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest? You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.
Tyranny: As the devil, you face many challenges. Tell me about a few of them.
Satan: Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love. They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return. You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for. You have no idea how frustrating this is for me. Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish. I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them. But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion. Those people make my job a nightmare.
Tyranny: What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?
Satan: Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me. Stop it already! Please! I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool. I was flattered. After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it. Slayer fans are the worst. I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time. You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over. It’s annoying.
Tyranny: Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?
Satan: There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know. Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears. I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people. To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions. Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box. To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated. Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.
Tyranny: Can you give me an example?
Satan: Sure. The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea. That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.
Tyranny: If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?
Satan: Vote Gingrich!!!!!
Tyranny: Thanks for your time. By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!
Satan: No problem! And thank you for your soul.
Morgan Freeman Slated To Play King Diamond In New Film
Freeman Outside of a Mercyful Fate Concert In 2001
In what some critics are calling the role of a lifetime, Oscar winning actor Morgan Freeman has been selected to play King Diamond in the forthcoming biopic “King For a Day, King For A Lifetime”. The King has been one of the most talked about men in America since he declared his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States at The Million Metalhead March back in August. Paramount Pictures, looking to capitalize on his popularity, expects to put the film out by November of 2012, just in time for the election. The script was penned in less than two days by the reanimated corpse of Charles Dickens, who The King himself brought back from the dead in a Satanic ritual last week. The executives at Paramount were so impressed with the script that they have agreed to spend 100 million on the project and release it in 3-D.
Freeman was far from the only actor who was interested in the role. Actor and speed-addled lunatic James Woods campaigned hard for the role by dressing as King Diamond and robbing several banks in the Los Angeles metropolitan area. Actor Sir Lawrence Olivier was originally offered the part, but was unable get a visa to leave Purgatory for the four months of filming that would be required to complete the picture.
Creating a script for The King’s life was a challenge considering he is 879 years old and has lived through most of recorded history. Distilling that much time into a 2-hour film was a challenge, but Dickens was able to pull it off. The film will focus on his music career, his survival during The Spanish Inquisition, and his extraordinary battle with Satan for control of Hell back in 1964 after an argument over the fate of singer Trini Lopez.
Freeman, a major King Diamond fan who has each of the King’s solo records mounted on the walls of his Fresno, California home, has always dreamed of playing King Diamond in a film. He has seen The King over 240 times in concert as a solo act and with Mercyful Fate. One of Freeman’s proudest moments was when he came out on stage at a show in Dallas back in 1998 and sang “Come To The Sabbath” with The King. According to Freeman, his portrayal of the character of God in the 2003 film Bruce Almighty was based loosely on King Diamond. “For me, The King has been the greatest source of inspiration I have ever known,” said a misty eyed Freeman in an interview with CNN last week, “With The King, all things are possible.”
For the entire series of bizarre King Diamond articles, click here if you dare!
I Am A King Diamond’s Disease Survivor
A Picture of Me Getting Ready To Go To My Daughter's Piano Recital
Have you ever found yourself singing the chorus from a King Diamond song at an inappropriate time like in church or at a funeral? Do you ever wake up with your face covered with strange painted designs without knowing how they got there? Do you ever find yourself having bizarre urges, like making furniture out of the leg bone of your neighbor? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the nearly 2 million Americans who suffer from King Diamond’s disease. You are not alone.
King Diamond’s Disease, known to doctors as Bendixitis, claims nearly a thousand new victims a week. You may see many of these poor souls on the streets, covered in backwards crosses, wandering aimlessly while singing the falsetto chorus to Abigail. They often struggle to maintain normal lives. They are your doctors, your teachers, your lawyers and your children’s crossing guards. I know their pain, because, you see, I am one of them.
My story isn’t different from most KDD survivors. It started innocently enough. I’d be in the car on my way to pick up the children from their Tae-Bo class and catch myself howling “Sleeeeeeeplesssss Niiiiiiiightssss” for no reason in particular. I’d find myself thinking about the King more and more each day. When I was eating dinner, I wondered what The King might be eating. When picking out clothing at a shopping mall, my mind would drift to what The King might think about the sweater I was trying on.
Then, one day, I woke up for a critical job interview for the position of Chief Tagalog Translator at The United Nations. As I was putting the finishing touches on my outfit, I looked in the mirror and staring back at me was a 6 foot 2 stranger in a suit and tie with his face painted just like King Diamond on the Conspiracy album. I know that I hadn’t painted it myself! The paint would not wash off no matter what I tried. Imagine my pain and sadness, sitting in the most important job interview in my entire life, knowing that no employer in their right mind would hire a guy who showed up for a job interview dressed like a demented ghoul. They laughed at me. “Don’t call us, we’ll call you,” they sneered. They simply didn’t understand.
The face paint has never come off. It’s been three years now. I’m still unemployed, although I had a brief part time job as a greeter at Wal-Mart until I was fired for supposedly causing the store to be attacked by evil spirits. My children try their best to understand, but when the other kids make fun of them because their daddy is dressed up for Halloween everyday it hurts their feelings. The community has shunned me. I stopped going to church because they kept dousing me with holy water. Everywhere I go I am an outcast.
There is no known cure for King Diamond’s Disease. A diet low in orange sherbet can lessen many of the symptoms, but Bendixitis is a lifetime ailment that will never leave you once you have it. I have found strength in my support group Survivors of An Unmercyful Fate. We meet once a week and discuss how to live life one day at a time. I have met a lot of great people in the Atlanta area who suffer like me including my sponsor Joann, a kindergarten teacher who has lived with King Diamond’s disease since she saw the King on The Spider’s Lullabye Tour back in 1995. Her strength in going through her day trying to teach the alphabet to screaming, crying, terrified children is an inspiration to us all.
With research and time, a cure might be found. Until that day comes, I will wear my face paint proudly knowing that my “disorder” allows me to have something in common with the greatest vocalist ever to walk the earth. But still, I long for a day when I can walk down the street without old women cringing and middle aged men asking me to sing them a song about my grandmother.
GOP Frontrunner Perry: “King Diamond is Too Moderate For America”
Too Moderate For America???
In the hopes of stemming the growing tide of voters supporting King Diamond for President, Republican frontrunner Rick Perry lashed out at The King’s campaign which he claimed is “well outside of the mainstream in American politics.” In a speech given by Perry at the home of noted abortion clinic bomber Jack Marcus, Perry went on a full scale five minute offensive against Diamond in an attempt to show that he does not represent the values of today’s Republican Party. “Where are the irresponsible proposals for tax cuts for the wealthy? Where are the preposterous accusations of President Obama’s link to The Communist Party? Where are the crazed threats of violence against Third World Countries? Do you realize King Diamond has been on the campaign trail for less than three weeks and he has yet to accuse an Islamic charity group with having ties to Al-Qaeda? I had been in the race less than a week when I threatened to beat up the Head of The Federal Reserve Board! King Diamond is clearly too moderate for the Republican Party and definitely too moderate for America,” shouted a wild-eyed Perry in front of 200 cheering, drooling Perry for President staffers.
Perry Campaigning In Cedar Rapids
Perry is not the only candidate who has attacked King Diamond in recent days. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney hammered The King for “sounding like a girl when he sings”. Romney went on to accuse King Diamond of plagiarizing the entire Abigail album, which Romney claims he himself wrote in his Geometry notebook while a high school student in the 1960s. Romney even went so far as to question The King’s metal credentials. “I’m much more of a metalhead than King Diamond,” exclaimed Romney in front of the only guy who came to see his speech last night in Des Moines, “I have every Venom album on vinyl, while King Diamond only has them all on CD. I ask you…Who is more metal? Me or The So-Called King.”
Michelle Bachmann chimed in yesterday claiming “King Diamond is God’s punishment on America for the sin of collecting taxes.” Ron Paul accused The King of “actually being a secret agent of The Lizard People and The Cult of The Illuminati.” Some guy named Jon Huntsman who claimed to be a Republican Presidential candidate also said some nasty stuff about King Diamond, but no one in the press bothered to write it down or record it.
Much of this negative campaigning reflects a belief that the Republicans have a chance to win the election in November if they can just turn the American public into a frightened mass of well-armed lunatics. This strategy has worked well so far against President Barack Obama. In a recent CNN/Gallup Poll, 65 percent of Americans claimed they would “vote for a seal who knew how to balance a ball on its nose before they’d reelect Obama”. In a Rasmussen Poll taken last week, it was revealed that 82 percent of Republicans feared that if they voted for Obama a plague would immediately descend upon the land and rabid dogs would eat their children. However, in both polls however, Obama still leads Perry by around 4 percent.
King Diamond has remained silent so far about the attacks although he has mentioned to several sources inside his campaign that “he looks forward to playing beach volleyball with Michelle Bachmann’s head”. He also joked with a reporter about Rick Perry’s intense persona saying “everybody’s a tough guy when they have Secret Service protection. He wouldn’t last 5 seconds in The Pit. He couldn’t beat up my grandmother.” The King has a tough week of campaigning ahead, including a major, make-or-break policy speech in front of the influential “Satanists For Christ” National Convention in Davenport this Friday. His ability to attract evangelical voters is seen as the key to him winning the all-important Iowa caucus in January.
