Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening
Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP
The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar. The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland. Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures. The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.
While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002. Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005. It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.
The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering. Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass. “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings. It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”
Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent. “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made. A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’. I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed. Djent ruined my life.”
Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about. They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results. “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’ They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.
Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future. Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays. In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts. Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8. If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.
Djent Sufferer Playing A 213 String Guitar
King Diamond Rocks Million Metalhead March, Announces Presidential Run
Yesterday, over 1.8 million Metalheads marched on Washington D.C. demanding equal rights, less corruption in government and Hipster Reform. The rally, one of the largest in the nation’s history, culminated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with speeches by metal luminaries the likes of Steve Harris, Joey Demaio and Thomas Gabriel Warrior. However, the big moment took place at 4 PM when metal legend King Diamond repelled down the Washington Monument and strode onto the stage to give his keynote address.
Speculation has grown over the last few weeks about a possible King Diamond run for President in 2012. The crowd eagerly awaited his announcement. Metalheads traveled from as far away as New Zealand to see the speech. Jimmy “Buzzsaw” Samhain, a King Diamond fan since his older brother loaned him Abagail when he was 8, travelled by bus from Flagstaff, Arizona to see the speech. “He’s going to save us. I wouldn’t have travelled 3 days through a terrible blizzard to see him if I didn’t know for sure that HE IS THE ONE!!!!”
The Crowd HAILS The King as He Begins His Speech
The crowd didn’t have to wait long to find out The King’s plans. Early in the speech, he thrilled the crowd by making his intentions clear. “In 2012, the spirit of evil will overtake Washington and I will lead this nation back to greatness. I will be your next President!!!!!”
Many questions have arisen about the problems King Diamond’s campaign might face. Steven Witchkiller, of the organization Black Metal Fans For Truth, openly asked the question in an editorial written for the Washington Post on Wednesday whether someone born in Denmark could be President of the United States. Witchkiller is clearly unaware of the provision in the 17th Amendment to the Constitution that allows Danes and Swedes to run for President. It was passed during Woodrow Wilson’s administration to thank Denmark and Sweden for their unyielding support during World War I. Diamond would actually be the second Danish born President, following in the footsteps of Gerald Ford. However, many legal scholars have argued that since most Americans struggle to know the difference between Amendments and Commandments, the 17th might not actually apply.
Other members of the press have wondered what The King believes about many of the major issues facing Americans. Up until yesterday, many Americans didn’t even know what party he would run with. In a press release issued last night after the March, The King stated he would run as a Republican, in spite of his dislike of nearly every stance that Party has taken in the past 30 years. It is felt that his best chances lay in running Republican due to the general weakness, mindless incompetence and borderline insanity of most of the candidates currently in the field.
None of these issues seemed to matter as The King addressed 1.8 million screaming metal maniacs. After breathing fire for two consecutive minutes at the beginning of his speech, The King launched into a passage that will be taught in classrooms 200 years from now. In order to fully capture its spirit, we will reprint this section in its entirety.
“See…..I have dreams, too. Dreams of doctors putting giant spiders on their patients, dreams of grandmother’s evil gnarled hands reaching out from beyond the grave, dreams of ghastly horsemen chasing me through the night. I dream the dreams of pure mortal terror. I dream of a Washington over taken by headless ghouls and heartless corpses. I dream of an America so consumed by rage and horror that people cannot even leave their homes without fear of being attacked by hounds sent by the Dark Lord himself. I dream of a day where little metalhead boys and girls can wildly assault and maim hipster children without the fear of going to jail. I dream of a giant rock concert with all Americans, except hipsters, swaying back and forth, listening to “”Amon” Belongs To “Them””. We will let the bells of evil and malice ring from the hills of Georgia to the mountains of Colorado. We will let the bells of darkness and torment ring from sea to shining sea. And when these bells ring Americans will know it’s time to join hands and sing (falsetto) “Toooooonight The Circle Is Broken Forever!!!!!!!”
The March was not without its problems. Three metalheads were arrested by police for giving a “corpse paint makeover” to the statue of Lincoln behind the stage. Hipster protestors and metalheads clashed in front of the Capitol for five minutes when one of the protestors played a Band of Horses song from his radio. In spite of these isolated incidents, the day was a rousing success and may well be the beginning of a political campaign that will reshape the nation for generations to come.
