Posts Tagged Dennis Rodman

Dennis Rodman’s Million Dollar A Month Heavy Metal Habit

As rumors of NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman’s possible bankruptcy fill the news, recent court documents have revealed that his collection of heavy metal albums may be a major factor in his current financial crisis.  Rodman, who is believed to owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to his ex-wife, apparently averaged spending 1.3 million dollars a month purchasing metal records over the past three years.

Rodman’s mind-boggling collection takes up two-thirds of his Malibu estate.  It features a mountain of great metal treasures from original vinyl pressings of Iron Maiden’s “The Soundhouse Tapes” to numbered collectors editions of the first ten Judas Priest albums.

Some experts claim that he overvalued many items and paid ridiculous sums for them.  For example, Rodman spent 40,000 dollars on two copies of the recent Morbid Angel IIud Divinum Insanus Wooden Box Set.  The set, which included a red 180 gram copy of the record, a leather bound CD edition and two red candles, was valued at 199 dollars.  He also spent 130,000 dollars to purchase all six hundred and sixty six copies of the Marduk-Panzer Division Set, valued at 40 dollars per copy.

Rodman was duped into purchasing many “autographed” albums that were fraudulent.  For example, Rodman paid 10,000 dollars for a vinyl copy of Anthrax “Among The Living” that was signed by Johnny Belladonna, clearly not the singer from Anthrax.  He also paid 30,000 dollars for a copy of Danzig III:  How The Gods Kill.  The album was autographed by Glen Danzig, a misspelled version of the singer’s name (which has two n’s).

Rodman even purchased European versions of albums that did not actually exist.  He paid 800,000 for one of the supposed 12 copies of Dimmu Borgir’s “Morbid Fascist Iconoclast”, a demo that the band was believed to have recorded in 1989 (four years before they were actually formed).

In spite of the problems, Rodman’s collection is still a sight to behold.  Imagine a record store with everything from Anacrusis to Znowhite.  Rodman has entire rooms dedicated to genres and sub-genres.  His NWOBH metal room, complete with life-sized photos of Steve Harris and Rob Halford, is located right down the hallway from his thrash room, which features a stuffed and mounted fake heads of Chuck Billy, Steve “Zetro” Souza, and Nuclear Assault’s John Connelly on the wall.

For a brief stretch, he even had the real Paulo Jr. from Sepultura living in a caged room in near the garage.  Paulo was kidnapped by a group of Hamas agents and sold to Rodman for 150,000 dollars.  He managed to escape Rodman’s collection by gnawing through the bars when Rodman was on a weekend vacation in the Bahamas.

Rodman did, for a brief moment, consider selling his collection.  It is, after all, valued at over 8.7 million dollars and would set him up securely for the rest of his life.  But Rodman believed that selling his collection might make him a poser, so he quickly shelved the idea.  He has instead, considered selling one or both of his kidneys in order to get himself back on firm financial footing.

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We Don’t Need Another Hero

The LeBron Hate Machine has officially been cranked up to 10.  Welcome to The Narrative, sir!  Here’s how the next five years of your life are probably going to go.  Most of the mob will hate you today, that is for certain.  They’ll say you’re no Kobe, they’ll say you don’t have Nowitzki’s heart, they invoke the ever looming specter of MJ.  They tell you you’ll never be as great as the ones that they remember.  You’re not old school.  You’re not committed enough.  You’re arrogant.  You called your own press conference.  You left the folks in Cleveland high and dry.  You think you are bigger than the game.  You need to be taught a lesson.

This will go on for a little while.   Then, you will win.  The Narrative will shift.  You’ve learned your lesson.  You’ve been humbled.  You went back to basics.  You did things the right way.  You overcame the odds.  You have been redeemed.  You are a champion.

Once you’ve seen the puppet show once or twice, the strings become remarkably annoying.  We’ve done this dance so many times before.  Remember when Kobe was an obnoxious, spoiled kid who didn’t know his place?  Remember when Dirk was a soft-boiled choke artist? Heck, do you remember when Muhammad Ali was a dangerous, radical anti-American draft dodger?  What did they do to rehabilitate their image?  They won.

Redemption awaits anyone who can help his or her team score more points then the other team when the big spotlight is blaring.   Redemption is a pretty easy formula.  Time plus rings.  Not exactly calculus.  If you doubt the truth of what I’m saying, just watch the lovefest that is waiting just down the road if Tiger or Michael Vick get to the Promised Land.   It makes you wonder what OJ could have done if he still had a good 40 time.

Maybe this time it will be different.  LeBron has an opportunity to do something that has never been done.  There is one trick left that they haven’t seen.  They need to be introduced to the true Man in Flight.  The Running Man.  The person who finally takes the Narrative by the throat and squeezes. LeBron James can become the first Post-Rational Superstar.

At first, LeBron would have to follow some very well-travelled ground.  He could start on the path that trailblazers like Dennis Rodman and Charles Barkley journeyed before him.  He could become the zany, outspoken Bad Guy.  The Heel.  The difference between these guys and a Post-Rational Superstar is that they stopped there.  They found their niche and they road it to the bank.  What I am suggesting would be far more radical.

Next season LeBron starts the show by cursing at a few fans, hanging with some edgy celebs, coloring his hair blue, punching a reporter, whatever.  Once the mob gets used to that, he flips the script.  He becomes a highly pious, deeply caring man.  Donates a year’s salary to charity. Gets photographed helping an old lady across the street.  Donates a kidney.  Whatever gets them to start loving him again.  Then, when everyone is comfortable, he slams on the brakes!  LeBron joins the Communist Party, starts quoting radical Islamic clerics,  gets a backwards cross tattooed into his forehead, and becomes every red-blooded American sports fan’s worst nightmare.

Once there have been enough Bill O’Reilly interviews calling him a monster, he flips it again.  Begs the forgiveness of the mob.  Saves a child from a burning building.  Donates the other kidney.  Starts a mission in Peru that saves victims of toxic megacolon.  Gets himself photographed with the Pope.  Figures out a way to cut unemployment below 5 percent.  Captures and kills an Al-Queda leader.  Once they get comfortable with the New LeBron…..BAM!   He joins the Church of Satan, projectile vomits on a referee and pour yaks blood over his head after each win. He keeps flipping and flipping and flipping until people want to get off the ride.

And here’s the best part, LeBron….No matter what you do, if you win, they will find it in their hearts to rationalize your actions.  They don’t see you for your game or your stunning personality or your greed or your kind heart or your selfishness.  They aren’t watching you at all; they are watching what you represent.  Your biggest fans just love you because they want to be associated with your victories and your worst enemies just want to take some measure of credit for your defeat.

Turn the mirror on the mob.  Let them see them see the carnival in all of its venal absurdity.  Don’t let them rationalize you.  Run The Narrative off of a cliff.  When they say they’ve had enough, give them more.  Make every icon equally worthless.  Destroy any logical assumption that can be made about you or anyone who comes after you.  Give them everything and nothing all at once.  Confuse them to death.  Leave nothing standing.  The one thing a superstar can still provide the sports world with is an understanding of how insane its basic cultural assumptions and beliefs are.  And the best part is, if you win, they’ll still love you.

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