Category Archives: Political Babble

August 13, 2011

King Diamond Rocks Million Metalhead March, Announces Presidential Run

By Keith Spillett

Yesterday, over 1.8 million Metalheads marched on Washington D.C. demanding equal rights, less corruption in government and Hipster Reform.  The rally, one of the largest in the nation’s history, culminated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with speeches by metal luminaries the likes of Steve Harris, Joey Demaio and Thomas Gabriel Warrior.   However, the big moment took place at 4 PM when metal legend King Diamond repelled down the Washington Monument and strode onto the stage to give his keynote address.

Speculation has grown over the last few weeks about a possible King Diamond run for President in 2012.  The crowd eagerly awaited his announcement.  Metalheads traveled from as far away as New Zealand to see the speech.  Jimmy “Buzzsaw” Samhain, a King Diamond fan since his older brother loaned him Abagail when he was 8, travelled by bus from Flagstaff, Arizona to see the speech.  “He’s going to save us.  I wouldn’t have travelled 3 days through a terrible blizzard to see him if I didn’t know for sure that HE IS THE ONE!!!!”

The Crowd HAILS The King as He Begins His Speech

The crowd didn’t have to wait long to find out The King’s plans.  Early in the speech, he thrilled the crowd by making his intentions clear. “In 2012, the spirit of evil will overtake Washington and I will lead this nation back to greatness. I will be your next President!!!!!”

Many questions have arisen about the problems King Diamond’s campaign might face.  Steven Witchkiller, of the organization Black Metal Fans For Truth, openly asked the question in an editorial written for the Washington Post on Wednesday whether someone born in Denmark could be President of the United States.  Witchkiller is clearly unaware of the provision in the 17th Amendment to the Constitution that allows Danes and Swedes to run for President.  It was passed during Woodrow Wilson’s administration to thank Denmark and Sweden for their unyielding support during World War I.  Diamond would actually be the second Danish born President, following in the footsteps of Gerald Ford.  However, many legal scholars have argued that since most Americans struggle to know the difference between Amendments and Commandments, the 17th might not actually apply.

Other members of the press have wondered what The King believes about many of the major issues facing Americans.  Up until yesterday, many Americans didn’t even know what party he would run with.  In a press release issued last night after the March, The King stated he would run as a Republican, in spite of his dislike of nearly every stance that Party has taken in the past 30 years.  It is felt that his best chances lay in running Republican due to the general weakness, mindless incompetence and borderline insanity of most of the candidates currently in the field.

None of these issues seemed to matter as The King addressed 1.8 million screaming metal maniacs.  After breathing fire for two consecutive minutes at the beginning of his speech, The King launched into a passage that will be taught in classrooms 200 years from now.  In order to fully capture its spirit, we will reprint this section in its entirety.

 “See…..I have dreams, too.  Dreams of doctors putting giant spiders on their patients, dreams of grandmother’s evil gnarled hands reaching out from beyond the grave, dreams of ghastly horsemen chasing me through the night.  I dream the dreams of pure mortal terror.  I dream of a Washington over taken by headless ghouls and heartless corpses.  I dream of an America so consumed by rage and horror that people cannot even leave their homes without fear of being attacked by hounds sent by the Dark Lord himself.  I dream of a day where little metalhead boys and girls can wildly assault and maim hipster children without the fear of going to jail.  I dream of a giant rock concert with all Americans, except hipsters, swaying back and forth, listening to “”Amon” Belongs To “Them””.   We will let the bells of evil and malice ring from the hills of Georgia to the mountains of Colorado.  We will let the bells of darkness and torment ring from sea to shining sea.  And when these bells ring Americans will know it’s time to join hands and sing (falsetto) “Toooooonight The Circle Is Broken Forever!!!!!!!”

The March was not without its problems.  Three metalheads were arrested by police for giving a “corpse paint makeover” to the statue of Lincoln behind the stage.  Hipster protestors and metalheads clashed in front of the Capitol for five minutes when one of the protestors played a Band of Horses song from his radio.  In spite of these isolated incidents, the day was a rousing success and may well be the beginning of a political campaign that will reshape the nation for generations to come.

Follow KING 2012 on Facebook

7 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness, King Diamond For President in 2012, Political Babble

August 11, 2011

Everything Is Dumb

By Keith Spillett

“It is not a case of choosing those [faces] that, to the best of one’s judgment, are really the prettiest, nor even those that average opinion genuinely thinks the prettiest. We have reached the third degree where we devote our intelligences to anticipating what average opinion expects the average opinion to be. And there are some, I believe, who practice the fourth, fifth and higher degrees.”

-John Maynard Keynes discussing Beauty Contests in the General Theory of Employment Interest and Money, 1936

Do you believe in big government?  Then you must be a communist who looks to manipulate lazy poor people into voting for you by offering them the opportunity to spend the rest of their lives as indolent pikers.  Dumb.  Do you believe in small government?  Then you must be an evil spirited misanthrope who doesn’t care one bit about anyone but yourself.  Dumb.  Are you pro-choice?  Then you must be a maniacal baby killer who seeks to undermine basic human values.  Dumb.  Are you pro-life?  Then you must be one of those religious psychopaths who want to force women back into the June Cleaver model of complete helplessness and social inferiority.  Dumb.  Do you like Obama?  Then you are clearly in favor of the destruction of the American Way of Life.  Dumb.  Do you hate Obama?  Then you are clearly a closeted racist unable to cope with the forces of progress.  Dumb.  Dumb.  Dumb.

It’s all so insanely dumb.  CNN had a question on their Facebook site last night asking all of their likers the question of what should be done about the economy.  Everybody responded with some inane pet theory running the gamut from the flat tax to value added taxes to the repeal of all taxes to forcing the Chinese to send their entire work force to Africa to the Fair Tax to more sin taxes, etc.  2,658 comments in 15 hours.  People inevitably started arguing and quoting dumb things they heard other people say.  People called each other names.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Everybody’s an expert.  Each man a king, each woman a queen.  Dumb.

I am not exempt from this sort of asinine posturing.  I have moments where I forget that I am part of the mob.  Wishful thinking does occasionally overtake my brain.  The wicked, awful truth is by contributing to the blogosphere, I have merely exchanged my pitchfork and torch for a MacBook.   I get worked up over the horrors of military spending or the Ponzi scheme-like quality of modern finance or the disgusting, venal nature of American politics from time to time and write about it.  Dumb.

The truth of the whole thing is far worse than a person can contemplate without a complete psychic meltdown.  It’s not just that we are dumb, that idea by itself is tolerable, even somewhat amusing.  It’s that the product of all modern discourse seems to be dumb.  Let’s assume for a moment that some of us want to use reason as an antidote to the basic dumbness of our world.  Fine.  Good luck.  The non-dumb folks among us are welcome to use subtle, intelligent arguments to understand the world.   It’s a free country, as they say.  But, now, let’s say one of the non-dumb want to step outside of the perimeters of their mental world and, say, lessen the suffering of others or effect social change on any level.  Well, those folks will present their ideas to a population that, for the most part, is uncomfortable and even threatened by anything that resembles reason.  Let’s say you are making a reasoned argument for the truth of global warming. How on earth could you possibly explain the nuances of a concept like that to a person who believes that science is completely untrustworthy and dinosaurs weren’t real?  Every time it snows they will thumb their nose at you and scream out “SEE!”  Let’s say you are a bright and articulate religious person and you want to make a reasoned argument for what you believe?  You will be met with every anti-religious cliché in the book and lumped together with sycophants from Jimmy Swaggart to Ayman Al-Zawahiri.  You can’t win.

Eventually, the pure force of dumbness will overpower any even moderately intelligent argument. Seeing this, a person making reasonable arguments might well begin to lose trust in their audience.  In order to enact any sort of change in our world, one must not just have a great idea, one must have an idea that the mob can be talked into.  When the realities of the situation begin to occur to someone with an idea, they naturally begin to tailor their ideas to the wild eccentricities of the mob.  Most people might not understand the nuances of the idea of a welfare state, but they can certainly be convinced that its not right that someone who has a private jet pay the same taxes as they do. Now, the argument has moved out of the realm of thought and into the realm of pure, visceral dumbness.  Pretty soon, an intelligent point about general inequity has become a shouting match between “the defenders of those with private jets” and “those who hate America.”

The upshot of all this weirdness is that extremely intelligent people are forced into becoming absurd polemicists.  The merits of the idea take a backseat to the constant push and pull of public opinion.  This idea is perfectly captured in the earlier quote by Keynes.  The whole thing becomes a Faustian Beauty Contest fought not on the merits of what is beautiful, but rather, on the merits of what the mob might find the most beautiful.  Finding a point of view that makes sense becomes a lot like defensive driving.  You are not driving based solely on the rules of the road, rather you drive based on what the idiot in the Camaro doing 100 miles per hour with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in his lap might think the rules of the road are.  Even if you drive well, the moron next to you can still kill you.  So, you adjust to the stupidity of the whole venture.  In that adjustment, ideas that are logical are often jettisoned for more acceptable generalizations that can be absorbed by a mass of angry people.  And those generalizations are met with counter generalizations, which are met with counter generalizations.  The whole thing gets pushed out to the n-th degree.  Suddenly, we are excitedly screaming at each other over what Joe The Plumber thinks.  After a few hundred rounds of this everyone’s an idiot and no one can tell the difference.  Over and over and back and forth.  Dumb.

I offer no solution to this problem.  This may well be how democracy works when you get it out of the textbooks; I’m not sure.  I do wonder what the outcome of this insanity will be.  I feel like I’m chained to 300 million lunatics going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.  Everyone is paddling in different directions.  Everyone thinks that they know how to escape and are just as convinced that the morons next to them are messing things up.  We argue over how we got in the barrel, we argue over how to best get out of the barrel, we argue over whether The Falls are even real, we argue over how big the barrel is, we argue over who should get out of the barrel first, we argue over whether we should work together or separately. The result of all this strain and turmoil is no different then if we did nothing at all.  We move towards The Falls with no clear explanation of what is happening and no possibility of ever getting out of our predicament.  Dumb.

17 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, Political Babble

August 3, 2011

King Diamond Solves Debt Crisis, Considers Presidential Run

By Keith Spillett

The King Speaking To Reporters After Yesterday's Debt Agreement

As the President signed the agreement ending the American debt ceiling crisis into law it became clear that there is a new hero in Washington D.C. and his name is King Diamond.  The King, using his incredible powers of persuasion and high-pitched falsetto voice, forced the Democrats and Republicans into negotiating an end to a battle that might well have crippled the American economy for years to come.  He became involved on Friday July 22nd when President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke off discussions.  “If it weren’t for King Diamond, we probably would have gone into the worst economic crisis in our history,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid in an interview with CNN’s John King yesterday evening.

The King crafted an agreement that was amenable to both sides.  Instead of raising taxes on the wealthy or cutting Medicare, King Diamond offered a 3 percent tax increase on all heavy metal albums bought in the United States.  As most readers know, heavy metal album sales account for nearly 12 percent of Gross Domestic Product and record labels that sell heavy metal albums are the second largest employer in America today.  The King’s plan also calls for a 20 percent tax on all Exodus albums that don’t feature Steve Souza as vocalist.  “That Rob Dukes fellow is extremely talented, but does anyone really believe Exodus is better without Souza.  I say, tax them until they bring him back,” stated the King in a press release.  These two revenue streams should account for nearly four trillion dollars in new money coming in over the next ten years.  In the President’s Address announcing the agreement, Obama made a point to single out King Diamond for his important contribution.  “King Diamond’s willingness to be both firm and flexible was the key to the deal,” said Obama, “he’s a great vocalist and a warm and wonderful man.”

All this recent publicity has led some to wonder whether King Diamond might consider a bid for the Presidency in 2012.  Diamond has refused to answer most questions about his willingness to run, but yesterday he told a reporter from the New York Times that he was seriously considering it.  Webpages have sprouted up all over the Internet trying to convince the King to step in and save America from chaos and despair. The King has told his followers that he plans to make a formal announcement of his plans next week at the Million Metalhead March in Washington D.C.

Political commentators have mixed feelings about what the King’s candidacy could do to a race.  While his appeal with the American public is undeniable, few people really know much about him besides the fact that he is an amazing singer and can command the forces of evil at a moment’s notice.  Nobody even knows what political party he’s in (although he recently attended a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser for The Sugar-Coated Satan Sandwich Party).   Many pundits have pointed out that songs like “Night of The Unborn”, a song about zombie fetuses that attack a Planned Parenthood center, prove that he is Pro-Life and, therefore, would probably run as a Republican.  A recent CNN/Gallup Poll claimed that if the King ran as a Republican he would defeat President Obama 46 to 43 percent.  He polled particularly strongly in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Florida.  According to political columnist and talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, “King Diamond’s entry into the 2012 Presidential race would change the whole thing.  He could unite a coalition of crazed metalheads and, using the power of metal and his connection with the Prince of Darkness, I believe he could defeat Obama easily.”

4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in King Diamond For President in 2012, Political Babble

August 1, 2011

Watching The Defective

By Keith Spillett

The following conversation took place recently in a mental hospital on the planet Klorg located in the Rumach Galaxy 20,000,000 west of Arcturus.  The patient, Wsghk Z Weryhi, was locked in a padded cell and sedated for his own safety approximately one week ago.  His family brought him in claiming that he disappeared for a day and reemerged exhibiting signs of severe dementia.  We now join an interview between himself and the esteemed Doctor zZefgh W KorgabS already in progress.

(Editors note:  The conversation was conducted in KlorgeanRW, a dialect common in the Southern Provinces of Klorg.  The language and concepts have been adapted so that it can be understood by the primarily English speaking audience of The Tyranny of Tradition)

Dr. KorgabS:  So, I want to go back to what you were saying earlier, about this America you claimed to have visited…

Weryhi:  Doctor, I am sure that I was there.  I snuck into the interstellar dock at the community center and set it for random coordinates.  It took me to America.

Dr. KorgabS:  Okay, so, let’s talk about this America.  I want to make sure I understand what you are telling me.  Please describe this whole, what did they call it, (consulting his notes)…ah yes, this “free market” idea that many of these Americans believe.

Weryhi:  Sure….some of them believe that this system of economics that they have, they call it capitalism, is essentially perfect.  They think that if they all do as they wish and accumulate as many resources as they can, everything will work out for the best for those that make what they like to call “good decisions”.  Basically, some of them actually believe that selfishness is a good quality that is the best thing for the community.

Dr. KorgabS:  (with a perplexed look on his face)  Okay….now Wsghk, you can understand why I’d think this sounds a bit odd, right?

Weryhi:  Believe me, I had the same response.  One of them told me about this fellow named Adam Smith who said an “invisible hand” runs things and allows people acting only in their best interest to be protected.  The invisible hand makes everything work out.  Or, that’s what the fellow in the bowtie told me.

Dr. KorgabS:  An…invisible hand???

Weryhi:  Yes.

Dr. KorgabS looks down at his information tablets trying not to look concerned and moves on to the next subject

Dr. KorgabS:  And….this democracy idea that most of them talk about.

Weryhi:  Yes!  It was a fascinating thing.  From time to time they actually pick the people who make the most important decisions.  It sounds like a great idea, but what they do with it is bizarre.  Once they’ve picked these “politicians”, many of these people turn around and blame them for everything that goes wrong in their lives.  Even though they were the ones who picked them in the first place!  Then, if the politicians do what they want them to, they pick them again and start blaming them the minute these folks are elected.  It’s amazing!  They seem to take no responsibility for the choices they make!

Dr. KorgabS:  Yes, you seem to talk a lot about how they blame each other.

Weryhi:  One of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.  One very small section of the population controls most of the resources.  Most of them struggle while a few of them have more than they need.  Yet, many of the Americans blame those who have very little of the resources for making “bad decisions” and ruining things for the group.  Every once in a while, a few of the people with a lot of resources blame other people with a lot of resources, but they don’t really try to change anything.

Dr.  KorgabS:  Do these Americans blame any one else?

Weryhi:  They blame EVERYONE!  That’s all they do.  They blame people who don’t live in America.  They blame people who come to America.  They blame people who have new ideas.  They blame people who don’t do what they want them to.  They have entire television channels dedicated to blame.

Dr. KorgabS:  Fascinating.  Is anyone ever above blame?

Weryhi:  Well, they like to make up stories about these people they call The Founding Fathers.  Apparently, they understood everything and rarely had bad ideas.  The funny part is they use these made up stories to justify all sorts of bizarre actions.  These people seem to have almost limitless imaginations!

Dr. KorgabS:  This is truly amazing.

Weryhi:  Isn’t it.  Some of them believe that this invisible all powerful being, that they have a bunch of different names for, controls everything and tells them what to do.

Dr. KorgabS:  (incredulous) An invisible, all-powerful being that…tells them what to do?  Sounds like that invisible hand thing.

Weryhi:  Yes!!!!  This invisible being idea is so strange.  If things go well for them, they say he did it.  When things are going badly, many of them don’t change anything about their lives, they just close their eyes and pretend to talk to this being.  Apparently, they think this invisible being has some great plan that they are all a part of.  If they disobey the voice in their head, they fear that after they die they will be set on fire for the rest of time.

Dr. KorgabS:  Simply amazing.  And many of them believe all of this?

Weryhi:  Here’s the weirdest part….not only do they believe it, they are proud of it.  Incredibly proud of all of these strange ideas.  They wave flags and have parades to celebrate them.  Without a trace of irony, these people act as if they have found the greatest set of ideas ever created.  They are so impressed with these ideas they are willing to go to war and commit querby so that people will act more like them.  (editors note:  there is no English equivalent to the word querby.  It means something like killing or harming based entirely on a delusion.  It is the worst possible act in Klorgian society.  No one there has committed querby in the past 20 years)

Dr. KorgabS:  They commit QUERBY and are proud of it!!!!  I simply cannot believe that.

Weryhi:  If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t either.

Dr. KorgabS:  (standing up and leaving the room) You understand that this sounds pretty far fetched?

Weryhi:  I know, I know.  But I saw it with my own three eyes.

Dr. KorgabS: We will be in to check on you and talk more later.  Until then, try not to think about that place.

Weryhi:  I’ll try, Doctor.  Thanks for listening.

20 minutes later in Doctor KorgabS office.  KorgabS sits at a desk discussing the interview with his colleague and friend Doctor QwB

Dr. KorgabS:  He seemed so convinced.  The details are incredible.  I have never worked with a patient with such detailed delusions.

Dr. QwB:  It all sounds so crazy.  I mean, the part about the interstellar space travel is quite possible, but this America he described sounds ridiculous.  Does he know it can’t possibly be real?

Dr. KorgabS:  No, I don’t think he does.  It’s so sad.  I’ve never met a sicker being in my entire life.

12 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Existential Rambings, Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff, Political Babble

July 25, 2011

American Burlesque or I Just Flew In From Vaudeville and Boy Are My Arms Tired

By Keith Spillett

Last Christmas, my wife bought me one of those human cloning machines that they sell on TV for 129.99.  At first, I didn’t have much of a use for it and it stayed in the back of my closet.  However, I started getting some wacky ideas in June and began sending away for samples of the DNA of famous Borscht Belt comedians.  I got an excellent mixture of Milton Berle, Shecky Greene, Mort Sahl, Buddy Hackett, Henny Youngman (his even came in a small violin case!) and a dash of Rodney Dangerfield.  At a local DNA shop in downtown St. Paul, I purchased the DNA of several 1960s radicals like Huey P Newton, Abbie Hoffman and George McGovern.

Two days ago, I took all the DNA, threw it into the machine and, as per instruction, simmered for 12 hours. I just wanted to see what the combination would create.  I wanted no trouble.  What came out of the machine yesterday morning was beyond my worst nightmares.  It was around 7 feet tall, had a cheap looking tuxedo and a blown out afro.  It looked like a bizarre cross between Strom Thurmond and Julius Erving.  It told me that it must find a club and do stand up comedy.  I tried to stop it, but it tossed me aside and ran out the door.  Minutes later, this creature burst into the VFW Hall located down the street from our home and began doing its routine for the 15 or so semi-drunken patrons.   I was able to get there in time for the second half of the act.  The following is a transcription of what took place.

Creature:   What’s the difference between an American and a gorilla?

The gorilla won’t tell you it’s proud to be a gorilla.

 Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

Woman in the Audience:  YOU SUCK!!!!

Creature:  Thanks, you’re a dear.  I wish I had my hunting license.

Man in the Audience:  Get OFF THE STAGE, Idiot!

Creature:  All right, all right!  What has 600 million legs, over 1 million guns and an IQ under 70?

The American Public

Bartender:  Shut UP!  Please!!!  I’ll call the police if you don’t get off of the stage!!!!!

Creature:  How do you get 200 million Americans to vote?

Turn on American Idol

Thanks!  Tip your servers!!!

Woman in the Audience:  YOU SUCK!!!

Audience:  BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Creature:  Yeah, George W Bush, George W Bush…..The other day I asked Bush where’s the 20 dollars I loaned him.  He said in the other room under the weapons of mass destruction.  He went to get it and I never saw him again.  But, hey, you re-elected him!!!!  I LOVE THIS CROWD!!!!

Audience:  BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  (bottle smashes behind The Creature’s head)

Creature:  What’s the best part of voting in Florida?

Knowing it won’t count

Take My Wife, Please!

Man in the audience:  Come back when you’re funny!

Creature: Hey, I forgot you were all Americans.  Do you want me to repeat any of these slowly?

Audience:  BOO!!!!!  (three more bottles smashed against the wall behind The Creature)

Creature:  What do you call an American who works 60 hours a week in order to pay off 25,000 dollars in credit card debt?

Free!  Ya get it!  Free!  You guys are the best crowd I’ve had in months!

Man in the Audience: (over a chorus of boos and bottles smashing) SHUT UP!  We’ll tear your eyes out!!!!!

Creature:  Ahhhhhh….what are you going to do?  Invade Iraq again!

A mob of angry patrons began to storm the stage.  I ran up and grabbed The Creature by the arm and pulled it out of the bar.  A group of three raging men ran after us as we sprinted down the street.  After a few blocks, they stopped chasing us.  We were both exhausted and safe….for now.

I realized later that night that this creature simply couldn’t exist in our world.  It was too jaded, too unwilling to accept compromise, too hateful, too cynical.  I had created a monster that did not belong in today’s America.  It was just going to cause trouble and incite riots wherever it went.  I knew what I had to do.   I crept into the room where The Creature was sleeping and pushed a pillow over its face.  It struggled and screamed, but after a minute or two, it stopped thrashing around.  I went back to my room, turned on the television and fell asleep.  The problem had been solved.

4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, General Weirdness, Political Babble

July 22, 2011

King Diamond Offers 11th Hour Compromise to End U.S. Debt Crisis

By Keith Spillett

The King Speaking To Reporters At Today's Press Conference

Click here for up to the minute updates on King Diamond’s campaign for President.  Will he run or not????

Tired of the political bickering taking place between the Republicans and Democrats over the raising of the debt ceiling, metal legend King Diamond has offered a compromise in the hopes of averting a major economic crisis in the United States.  At a 7:30 PM press conference, The King scolded President Obama and the Republican Party for “playing political games” at a critical time.  “This is unacceptable!”  shouted the King in a mild falsetto voice, “My sleep has been disturbed by rumors of the US Bond rating being downgraded.  Do you people understand what the fiscal ramifications of that would be!?!?! This must stop nowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!”

In response to the stalemate in Washington, The King offered an economic package that he felt would be acceptable to both sides.  The King’s debt deal would shave 3.8 trillion dollars off of the Federal Debt over a 10 year period with only a modest tax increase and minor cuts to Social Security and Medicare.  He intends to generate additional revenue by putting a 20 percent tax on all albums by “awful mallcore bands”.  He also plans on heavily taxing all hipster related products.  “You know those stupid tee-shirts they sell at Target with pictures of Spam and Dr. Pepper on them.  We are going to tax the hell out of them.  Teach those people to dress like adults!” opined the King.  “I’m not worried about hipster backlash.  Hipsters don’t even like hipsters!”

The King has summoned President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to a meeting at his hidden lair located somewhere in the Alps.  The King’s Lair has only been seen by a handful of people and has never been photographed.  There have been rumors over the years that he has the world’s last remaining minotaur in a pit in his backyard.  According to The King the meeting, set for Tuesday afternoon, should straighten everything out.  “If I was able to put my differences with Mercyful Fate aside in order to reunite and make great music back in the 90’s, these humans can certainly put aside their petty differences,” said the King in a scornful, frustrated voice.

The King had harsh words for the politicians standing in the way of a deal.  He threatened Tea Party members and others who are willing to risk default on the U.S. debt with “a trip to grandmother’s house”.  The King has another press conference scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at which he plans to bring either a signed agreement or “a bag full of their skulls.”

13 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness, King Diamond For President in 2012, Political Babble

July 19, 2011

Dispatches From The Republican Convention September 14th, 2040

By Keith Spillett

Nixon Thrills 130,000 People In San Francisco

The Republican Party seems poised to return to power after their thrilling convention concluded in San Francisco, California last night.  The keynote convention address, given by Republican Presidential Candidate LeVance Nixon, brought the house to a twenty minute standing ovation.  Nixon pledged that the Republican Party is committed to “freedom now, freedom tomorrow and freedom forever” in a speech that some commentators are calling the best in the parties history.  Several polls taken within minutes of Nixon’s speech showed that Nixon picked up 8 to 12 points against his opponent, Democratic Incumbent Juan Jose Herrera and now leads in 31 of the 44 states.

Nixon’s campaign theme of entirely eliminating nearly every function of government has gained steam in the past few months.  His major idea of privatizing the entire United States military and offering it to other countries as a mercenary defense force has captured the imagination of many.  Nixon claimed last month that the US could have the money to re-aquire the state of Oregon and allow the Social Security Age to dip below 95 for the first time since 2030 if the program is instituted.   Other Nixon programs, including the elimination of public schools by 2050, a program dismissing taxation for Americans making over 250,000 dollars a year and the immediate closing of the Food and Drug Administration, have also gained popularity since Nixon announced his intention to run for the Presidency last year.

A year ago, many of his ideas seemed far-fetched, but even the most radical ones have gained an audience.  Nixon’s revolutionary re-working of the welfare system, once thought to be too radical, is a hit even now with some Democrats.  His program, originally decried by many for its cruelty, would force people receiving federal benefits for more than two years to exchange a kidney for continuing benefits.  “The poor have senselessly and selfishly hoarded their kidneys without regard to the harm they have caused. You can sell a functional kidney for $25,000.  It’s time the poor do their part to make America great again! Even the lazy can contribute to our once great nation!” Nixon told the screaming crowd of conventioneers.

The Problem of the Moths has plagued much of the Presidency of Juan Jose Herrera.  Nixon looked to capitalize on this issue through a proposal to give a ten year long tax holiday to any corporation that captures more than 100 giant man eating moths per year.  According to Nixon the program will “encourage the growth of the real generators of the Great American Job Engine…corporations.  It will also help to stop moths from consuming the flesh of innocent, hard-working Americans.”

The energy around the Nixon campaign is a testament to the youthful, revitalized nature of the Republican Party.  Many of the parties core supporters are 18 to 34 years old.  They are attracted by the Parties strong anti-government message.  It was a Republican Congress and President, as most remember, that legalized all drugs in 2025 and gay marriage in 2026.  Since those fateful decision, the Party has attracted a slew of gung-ho, young supporters.  Hundreds of young Nixon supporters, calling themselves the Nixon Youth, staged a spontaneous rally outside of the Harvey Milk Arena after his speech.  “Nixon’s for freedom and freedom is for America.  Government sucks!  It’s that simple!” shouted Emilia Antonia, a Nixon supporter who had travelled all the way from the ruins of Boston to be a part of the special evening.

Get 2040 Democratic Convention Highlights here

4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Political Babble

July 8, 2011

Solutions Are Not The Answer: Political Communication For Toddlers

By Keith Spillett

It has often been said that you can learn a lot from listening to a child talk.  People tend to mean that you can learn a great deal about the beautiful simplicity of life and the importance of innocence.  These are valuable lessons, but certainly not the only things children can teach you.  What I have found from listening to my children is that they have an amazing understanding of how political communication works.  It’s not that I am one of those parents who think their children are so smart they can handle molecular biology in the first grade, but my two year old and four year old have given me remarkable examples of arguments that are popular in the realm of American political discourse.  Carter could have gotten a third term with some of the things my kids say in passing.

Fallacy of Extension or The Strawman Argument

My 2-year-old daughter looked at me yesterday and announced, “It’s not night daddy, it’s the morning.”  She was certainly correct, it was 10 o’clock in the AM and the sun was shining brightly.  The intriguing part about her statement was that I had never said anything about it being nighttime.  She had ascribed to me a position that was both irrational and, more importantly, not mine.  She had used this to make her own case for the fact it was daytime.  Somewhere, Roger Ailes was smiling.  This argument is the backbone of much of the political debate that goes on today.

In the “non-toddler world” it works like this.  I accuse you of saying something you have never said and do not believe and then make my case in opposition to the illogical premise that now belongs to you.  You look like a lunatic and I look like my argument is not only correct, but a common sense response to the weird stuff that you have said at another time (even though you never said it!) Richard Nixon’s Checkers speech is the most famous example.  The man was accused of misusing 18 thousand dollars and ended up making an argument over how his political enemies were asking him to give a dog back that his children really loved.  No one had said anything about the dog except him.  Even my two-year-old couldn’t pull that off with a straight face.

Misdirection or The Old Red Herring

This one is common among children when the subject of bedtime comes up.  My four-year-old son has this down to a science.  He is a naturally curious boy, but this curiosity comes in spades right around the time he’s looking to stall the natural forces of parenthood.

Me:  “It’s bedtime.”
Son:  “Why do the leaves fall off of trees?”
Me:  “Let’s talk about it tomorrow, it’s bedtime.”
Son:  “Where do the stars come from?”
Me:  “We can talk about that first thing tomorrow, it’s time to go to sleep.”
Son:  “Why do people sleep?”

Politicians often use this one when they get in trouble.   The same sort of change the subject magic can be seen at many a press conference.  Here’s a made up example that should look familiar to anyone who spends more than a half hour a month watching the news.

Reporter #1:  “Is it true that you took illegal contributions from the law firm of Screwed, Over and Often?”
Politician:  “The question of what makes a contribution illegal is an important one.  Political contributions have been the bedrock of our great political system.  Without them, many great Americans wouldn’t have had the chance to become President.  Lincoln took contributions from great Americans like Cornelius Vanderbilt.  Lincoln was one of our greatest Presidents.  He took a stand against the evils of slavery.”

Argumentum ad Ignorantiam and The Argument From Self-Knowing

My son hit me with this one yesterday and nearly ruined what was left of my barely usable brain.

Me:  We’ll be here for 18 more days.

Son:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11…uhm.  Daddy, it can’t be 18, 18 isn’t a number.

Basically, he was saying that if he doesn’t know what it is then it simply can’t be true.  In politics, there are many bizarre variations on this hustle.  The most surreal is the use of the absence of something to prove its existence.  Future Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren ran this one out back in the early 1940s to justify some of the post-Pearl Harbor, anti-Japanese sentiment in California “I take the view that this lack (of enemy subversive activity in the west coast) is the most ominous sign in our whole situation. It convinces me more than perhaps any other factor that the sabotage we are to get, the Fifth Column activities are to get, are timed just like Pearl Harbor… I believe we are just being lulled into a false sense of security.”

If you observe children enough, you’ll see all sorts of interesting political communication going on.  The argument from personal charm is another standard.  “I’m cute and harmless, therefore, even though I have a chunk of my brothers hair in my hands, I couldn’t possibly have done that bad thing you are thinking I did.”  This explains much of the political career of Ronald Reagan. The argument ad infinitum is a common tool used when politicians repeat the same expressions thousands of times to try to cement them in the minds of voters.  When your 4-year-old asks you for the six thousandth time for the Thomas the Train Misty Island Rescue Set, understand that they are exhibiting traits that may one day allow them to lead this great nation.

 

If you are interested in more of the great strategies used to obfuscate truth and contribute to the further cheapening of language, check out this link…http://www.don-lindsay-archive.org/skeptic/arguments.html

7 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness, Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff, Political Babble

July 4, 2011

Dispatches From The Democratic Convention September 7th, 2040

By Keith Spillett

Democrats Moments Before President Herrera's Speech

Last night, the 2040 Democratic Convention came to a boisterous end.  President Juan Jose Herrera gave a rousing speech to the conventions nearly 90,000 spectators who were crammed into Phoenix, Arizona’s newly built Cardinal Arena.  Phoenix, which some have taken to calling The Capital of The New Southwest, has been a leader in the recent nanotech boom that has revitalized the American economy and brought unemployment below 15 percent for the first time since 2019.  Herrera’s popularity has been on the upswing in the last year after a string of positive economic reports and an end to the nearly 10-year war in Ethiopia.   “A new day has dawned in America,” announced Herrera to the galvanized crowd, “and we are on the forefront of becoming great once again!”

The convention has not been without its difficulties.  Herrera, a master campaigner, led his party to victory 4 years ago by uniting a unique coalition of Hispanic Americans, Social Conservatives (SoCons) and Weather Watchers.  His ability to woo SoCons by connecting traditional family values and economic equality brought a new base to the Democratic Party and allowed them to win states that had traditionally gone Republican like Georgia and Utah in the 2036 election and in the 2038 midterms.  In the last Presidential election, nearly 78 percent of people who considered themselves SoCons voted for Herrera.  As President, Herrera has been able to pass several SoCon initiatives including a Constitutional Amendment mandating a moment of silence or prayer at the beginning of the school day.  He has been less successful with legislation banning the abortion pill and outlawing human cloning.  Pundits have predicted that he will have a difficulty carrying that high a number because of the challenge in his party from breakaway SoCons like Reverend Marcus Falwell-Guzman.  Falwell-Guzman, who famously quipped during the 2036 race that the only thing SoCons ever got out of the Republican Party were “prayer breakfasts and lip service”, is still considering a 3rd Party Presidential run, but insists he is firmly behind the President “for now”.

The Weather Watcher movement has also had issues with President Herrera.  The movement, started as a response to the Great Northeastern Flood of 2028, is firmly committed to strong environmental protection legislation including the bill to end the use of coal by 2050 that stalled on the floor of the Senate last month.  Herrera has embraced many of the Weather Watchers core issues but has not been successful passing many of their legislative priorities.  Still, the No Government Regulation by 2055 pledge issued by the Republican Party last year has forced most of the remaining Independent and Republican Weather Watchers into supporting the Democrats.

Then, of course, there is the Problem of The Moths.  In his speech, Herrera gave special attention to the issue stating,“The Problem of The Moths is not an easy one to solve.  It will require patience and commitment.  I see it not as a Problem…but as an opportunity.  We can add thousands of jobs by putting together task forces and work crews to deal with our Moth problem.  As your President, I will continue to call on Congress to spend whatever it takes to put an end to the Problem.  Together, as a nation, We Will Stop The Moths!!!”

The Problem of the Moths, now entering its 12th year, was a major issue Herrera used to help defeat Republican President Leland Jackson in 2036, but Americans have seen little improvement.  However, as of right now, voters seem to be willing to look past the issue in this election.  In a recent RGE Poll, 72 percent of Americans think that The Problem of the Moths will not hurt Herrera’s re-election prospects.  Still, some Americans are wary.  “He’s had 4 years to fix it and it isn’t getting any better!” shouted a Republican protestor in a moth costume arrested out in front of the Convention.   If the Problem doesn’t improve between now and November, the voters might just have a change of heart.

Check out 2040 Republican Party Convention highlights here

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Political Babble

June 29, 2011

Mitt Romney Claims He Was Abducted By “Evil Liberal Twin”

By Keith Spillett

In a stunning announcement, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney divulged that his evil twin Mittt was actually responsible for many of the decisions made while he was governor.  “After years of deliberation, I’ve decided to come forward with the truth about many of my decisions as governor of Massachutsetts.  Passing the health care bill and many other leftist decisions were made by my twin.  It is he who is a liberal.  I have always been committed to positions consistent with the most died in the wool conservative Americans.”

According to Romney, he and his twin are mirror images of each other.  Even the names are even extremely similar.  Romney claims that the twin’s name is pronounced exactly the same.  The final “t” is a silent and is neither pronounced nor written.   While the two share identical features, they couldn’t be more different in terms of political views.  Romney described his twin as a “card carrying socialist out of touch with the views of mainstream Americans” and excoriated him for his support of Massachusetts’ “dangerous and potentially apocalyptic” health care law.

During today’s press conference, Romney detailed how his twin locked him in a meat locker in the basement of the governor’s mansion for two years while “evil Mittt” made terrible decisions that turned the State of Massachusetts into a “communistic wasteland”.   Romney was only able to survive by eating Vienna Sausages and reading from the two books he had with him, The Bible and The Wit And Wisdom of Ronald Reagan.  “In my darkest moments, it was the words of God and The Gipper that allowed me to survive.”

Romney claims that at one point the Ghost of Barry Goldwater came to lighten his spirits.  After Goldwater’s pep talk, Romney was able to use a frozen lamb shank to smash the lock and escape. “If not for the spirit of conservatism, I’d have surely frozen to death,” announced Romney proudly.

There have been several other occasions where the Republican Presidential Candidate has been abducted and hidden by his liberal brother.  “That whole thing about being pro-choice, that was my twin.  And the stuff about letting clerks issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  Him again!  Pretty much all the things that have made me appear moderate in anyway whatsoever are the responsibility of Mittt.  I’ve never had a thought in my mind at anytime that was even remotely liberal.  I have never been within 300 feet of anyone who has ever been a member of the Democratic Party.  I will not eat food produced packaged in plants that employ liberals.  Mittt’s is the guilty one.  It was him all along!”

So far, no one has been able to contact Romney’s twin.  Romney has furnished the media with pictures of Mittt (see below) but claims he has not spoken to him in years and is not sure where he is.  “He’s joined Al-Qaeda for all I know,” fumed Romney, “I doubt we will see him again.  Certainly not until the New York primary.”

The resemblance between the two Romneys is incredible….

The Real Mitt Romney

Romney's Evil Liberal Twin, Mittt

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness, Political Babble

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 598 other followers