Category Archives: Health Tips for An Early Death

April 9, 2012

Researchers Link “Slayer Obsession” To Food Allergies

By Keith Spillett

John Murphy At A Slayer Concert After Consuming 12 Jars of Pickle Juice

In a surprising study done by Johns Hopkins University, a direct connection has been found between being obsessed with the heavy metal band Slayer and consumption of certain classes of food.   Slayer Obsession, known in medical parlance as Human Epiglottal Lymphogranuloma Lychosis or HELL, has been known to effect two in every three Slayer fans at least one time in their lives.  In more serious cases of Slayer Obsession, a diet rich in certain classes of carbohydrates and proteins has been linked to symptoms as serious as the need to carve the band’s name into a person’s arm, the desire to write “SLAYER” on random Facebook message threads or even the overwhelming need to write the lyrics to “Dead Skin Mask” and other Slayer songs on inappropriate places such as church pews or children’s foreheads.

One food, unsurprisingly, that can cause Slayer addiction is barley, commonly found in beer.  As many as 4 in 10 beer drinkers find themselves with mild to serious cases of HELL.

What is shocking are the other types of food that can lead to this disorder.  The researchers found that people who consume more than 12 ounces of butter per day were found to frequently listen to the album “Seasons in the Abyss” for between 6 and 8 hours in an evening.  Consumption of cucumbers or cottage cheese can lead to the desire to lock oneself in a room and listen to nothing but “South of Heaven” for entire weekends at a time.

The real stunner was that pickle juice is a major contributor to the disorder.  Apparently pryotophan, an amino acid found in pickle juice will, in almost all cases, lead to immediate bouts of HELL and a nearly mindless sense of euphoria.  Many fans at fans Slayer shows, who have recently been seen consuming entire containers of the water in pickle jars, have found themselves running wildly around in circles and running into one an other in a symptom that doctors refer to as “moshing”.  Some Slayer fans have even taken to smoking and free basing pickles before shows in order to get the desired effect.

While doctors for years have believed that only the love of Jesus Christ or a good woman could help HELL sufferers, the Johns Hopkins research team believes that eating certain things can help cure the disorder.  One such food is potting soil.  According to their study, eating 9 ounces of mineral rich potting soil per day can lead a sharp decrease in the need to listen to Slayer.  They also recommend eating at least 3 servings of donkey spleen per week.

For sufferers of this disorder, the future may seem bleak.  They may feel powerless over their obsessions and symptoms.  However, a diet rich in dirt and donkey parts can ensure that, in fact, HELL does not await.

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March 21, 2012

Abbath Creates Gluten-Free Cellphones; Now Worth An Estimated 11.8 Billion Dollars

By Keith Spillett

The biggest surprise on this year’s Forbes 500 Richest People on The Planet list was a name well known to those who follow black metal.  Right below hedge fund manager Steve Cohen and above newspaper magnate Rupert Murdoch stands the name of one of the most revered members of the black metal community, Abbath.  While he is mostly known for his guttural vocal wails and sweeping guitar riffs in the band Immortal, he has actually made most of his money from a very strange source.  Abbath is the world’s number one distributor of gluten-free products.

After reading a study back in 2002 claiming one in every seven people had an allergy to gluten, Abbath started to think about the millions of people gluten-free products could benefit.  Weeks later when Horgh, the drummer for Immortal, was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity Abbath created special gluten-free corpse paint for him to wear on stage.  A rash of gluten related issues hit the black metal community in 2003 and Abbath’s makeup began to catch on.  This was only the beginning.

In 2005, Abbath discovered the idea that has taken the world by storm and turned him into a multi-billionaire…gluten-free cell phones.  “There are so many people whose systems can not tolerate gluten.  It can cause terrible side effects that range from severe headaches, to rapid eye movement, to explosive logorrhea.  I just wanted to help make a difference for people who wanted not to suffer,” said a wistful Abbath in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

Since Abbath began mass marketing his Non-Celiac Cellphones seven years ago, they have become an important part of the lives of millions of people.  His next step in 2007 was to create a gluten-free line of clothing.  While gluten-free collared shirts have yet to take off, many stylish French teenagers have taken to recently wearing gluten free pants and socks.  Gluten-free capes and fangs became the number one fashion trend in Romania last year.

The war on gluten continued in 2009 with the introduction of gluten-free appliances.  It’s hard to make it though a Wal-Mart without seeing one of Abbath’s gluten-free toasters or washing machines.  He has even created gluten-free gluten, an invisible substance that cannot be detected by any of the five senses or absorbed by the body.  The Pentagon purchased three cases of it for over 12 million dollars last month.

Abbath has major plans for the future.  He is currently researching the possibility of gluten-free prosthetic limbs.  By 2015, humans could be outfitted with gluten-free arms, legs and even torsos.  He has also been working with several space nanotechnology companies in the attempt to create planet-sized, gluten-free computers.  A gluten-free spaceship similar to the Death Star from Star Wars is currently in the early stages of production.  It would possess a death ray that could extract all of the gluten from a planet while killing all of its inhabitants in less than three seconds.

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March 14, 2012

Researchers Say Hitting Yourself In The Face With A Hammer Could Potentially Be Dangerous

By Keith Spillett

Apparently, hitting yourself in the face with a hammer isn’t safe after all.  An extensive study done by researchers at Harvard University claims that striking yourself with repeated blows to the face with a hammer could potentially lead to terrible side effects.  The surprising study, done with 100 small children over a five year period of repeated daily strikings, claims that beating your own head in can lead to loss of appetite, excessive bleeding, blindness, holes in your face, rapid eye movement, death and restless leg syndrome.

According to Harvard Scientist Mark Cranium, “this research should prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that hitting oneself with a hammer in the face is a bad idea under most circumstances.”

However, there was some good news for people who enjoy the dull thud of a hammer hitting their skulls.   The research showed no connection between repeated hammer strikes to heart disease or Type 2 Diabetes.   Also, the Harvard study failed to address the effects of eating hammers, so most likely that is still safe.

The study itself was called into question by researchers for Ace Hardware Store’s Corporate Office who did a separate study and arrived at very different results.  The hardware chain found no link between hitting yourself in the face with a hammer and any negative outcomes.  As a matter of fact, the Ace study found a direct correlation between two hammer blows a day and a longer, healthier life.

In spite of the recent warnings, many Americans continue to bang away at their faces.  “That Harvard government ain’t gonna tell me what to do,” said Beau Clemens, a recent recipient of America’s first state-subsidized face transplant.

Dr. Dean Sluggish, a noted expert from the Southern California Institute of Facial Hammering, also believes that hammering one’s face is not just a personal problem, it’s an environmental problem.  “Think of the thousands of trees cut down, the thousands of pounds of metal, the carbon footprint made by smashing one skull to a pulp.  In order to turn one face into a bloody mess it requires enough fuel to run a Hummer for 3 minutes.  Obviously, there are better uses of nature’s bounty,” he wrote in an editorial that accompanied the study.  “To a man who hits themselves in the face with a hammer, everything is a nail,” added Dr. Sluggish in an attempt to say something quotable.

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February 27, 2012

Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening

By Keith Spillett

Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP

The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar.  The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland.  Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures.  The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.

While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002.  Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005.  It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.

The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering.  Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass.  “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings.  It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”

Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent.  “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made.  A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’.  I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed.  Djent ruined my life.”

Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about.  They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results.  “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’  They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.

Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future.  Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays.  In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts.  Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8.   If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.

Djent Sufferer Playing A 213 String Guitar

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May 21, 2011

Glossophobia and The Fugitive Mind

By Keith Spillett

Stage fright is a truly terrible feeling.  Many people confront it, but usually they manifest their experience in different ways.  Some people cry, some talk louder, some simply feel a vague sense of dread as they move through the speech.  What I’ve noticed in talking to people about it over the years is that the experience of it changes dramatically from person to person, but it is always quite miserable if you feel it.

I have an awful fear of speaking on stage.  As a teacher, I never feel nervous speaking to a roomful of high school students, but once a year in May I am asked to speak in front of a large audience on a stage with a microphone.  The speech itself is something I’m honored to give, but the fear I feel starts around January and becomes nearly debilitating by the end of April.  It is only a three-minute speech but my fear of it consumes months of my life.

People are always very supportive and try to be compassionate but usually the advice I get doesn’t help all that much.  If you mention you have this fear you will get a lot of guidance, but often I’m not sure if the people who give it really understand the parts of it that make it so terrifying.  It is an irrational feeling and most rational suggestions fail to address it in a way that is practical.  You get advice like “Try to imagine them all naked”.  If everyone in the audience were naked I’m sure I’d be even more terrified!  How could the thought of hundreds of naked humans staring at you be even remotely comforting?  Other people ask you “What’s the worst that can happen?”  They have no idea of the circus that your brain becomes for three minutes.  The worst that can happen is that you’ll be on stage giving the speech.  People simply can’t comprehend why a relatively simple act like this can cause such suffering.  I don’t really understand it myself.

The following is an attempt to describe the experience in real time.  Some of this will sound silly, but every single thought written down has gone through my mind on stage.  The goal of this piece is to create a running record of what stage fright actually feels like for me.

Alright, here we go.  Need another sip of water.  If you act confident, the fear won’t come.  Okay, time to stand up.  They just called me.  Fix my jacket.  Three buttons…how many should I button?  I need to keep it buttoned cause my tie is too short.  I look like Oliver Hardy.  Someone once told me leave the bottom unbuttoned.  Okay.  Here we go.  Don’t look up.  Don’t look up.  Just read.  You should make some arm gestures.  Just hold the podium.  Don’t fall.  Hands sweating.  The podium is see through.  Are the spots around my hand fogging up?  Do they see me sweating? Act confident.  Here it comes.  Here it comes.  I should have left them all unbuttoned.  I should have acted more confident.  Now IT is HERE. 

Hot.  What if I pass out?  Falling, hitting my head.  Would someone catch me?  I’m too big.  Where am I?  Did I just miss a line…no, no, I’m okay….page one is over.  Don’t look up.  They are all looking at you.  They are all looking at you.  Is my fly zipped?  Don’t look up.  Fast.  Dizzy when I look up.  Falling, hitting my head.  IT IS HERE.

Does what I’m saying make any sense?  Do they hear me?  I didn’t practice enough.  I practiced wrong.  Fast. I practiced too much.  What if I forget how to read?  Sweating.  Pain in the top of my head.  Antler pain.  I feel like antlers are going to sprout out of the top of my head.  Stay focused.  Where am I?  I am reading, but I don’t know how.  There is another me reading.   I don’t even know what the other me is saying.  Why are they laughing?  Did I say something funny?  Did I do something embarrassing?  I didn’t write that to be funny…what’s happening???

FOCUS!!!!  Antlers.  Sharp, sharp pain in the top of my head.  Halfway done.  Sweating.  What if I can’t breathe?  Slow down your breathing.  What if I can’t?  I don’t control my breathing.  Long way to go in this speech.  Lots of words left.  What if I start saying weird things?  What if I start shouting random nonsense?  NO CONTROL. What if I burp?  What if I start cursing?  What if I lose control of my body?  Sharp pain in my head.  Antlers are growing inside.  Will they pop out?

One page left.  Downhill, downhill, breathe, another minute…..breathe.  If I can just get one more page.  What am I talking about?  Where am I?  DON’T LOOK UP!!!!  THEY are watching you….breathe….breathe….you are going to fast…..no one understands….breathe….one paragraph now…..look up once…try it…..try it….dizzy….FOCUS….DON’T LOOK UP…..clapping…no more words….handshake….get to the chair….don’t fall….don’t pass out…get to the chair…..sit down…..breathe….

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April 18, 2011

5 Reasons Men Should Go To The Doctor

By Keith Spillett

You probably saw the article last week on Yahoo that “Men Often Don’t Go To The Doctor Because They Secretly Long To Die”.  The story was based on a survey that 90 percent of men would rather spend their time watching re-runs of “Two And A Half Men”, eating enormous plates of fried foods and harassing female bartenders than going to the doctor.  According to a study done by a guy I know from work, most American men have cholesterol rates over 2,300 and nearly 3,000 on weekends.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except for the fact that some doctors have recently linked high cholesterol with heart problems.

According to the American Academy of People With Stethoscopes and BMWs, 56 percent of men between the ages of 25 and 34 don’t even know what the word “doctor” means.  What gives?

Simple.  “Men are pretty freakin’ stupid,” says I.P. Knightly, a contributing editor to Urologist Weekly and writer of best-selling books “Urine Trouble” and “You Gotta Be Kid-ney”.  “Men avoid doctors, mostly because they are scardey cats and also because their co-pays are around 80 bucks a visit.  Therefore, many men at some point in their life will die, in some cases without warning.”

Here are 5 warning signs that should tell you to go to a doctor immediately:

Profuse bleeding

Many American men see bleeding as a sign of weakness.  They think it shows that they are too emotional.  They worry that women will not be attracted to them because they are hemorrhaging out of their face, neck and chest.  So, they try to pretend they aren’t bleeding.

The first major symptom of bleeding is blood loss.  This is often followed by a red substance staining their clothes.  Men often ignore these signs until it is too late and they have ruined the nice white carpet in their office.

“Bleeding is a really bad sign,” says Dr. Marvin Obvious, a noted PhD who has spent most of his career studying the history of adhesive tape.  “Exercise and diet can help, but major loss of blood can overcome these things and lead to, well, something bad.”

Growth of Additional Limbs

I know, I know, you find that additional arm a big help in your job at the local copy shop.  Maybe you’ve gotten some complements on those extra toes that appeared at the end of your chin.  But beware, these seemingly innocuous appendages could be a sign of a deeper problem.

9 out of 10 Americans who have grown extra legs may be morphing into giant human spiders said a survey in the Upper Alabama Journal of Medicine and Other Forms of Witchcraft.  Sure, they look cool, but at what cost!

Stoppage of Breathing That Lasts More Than A Week

What do all dead people have in common?  If you guessed, “they are not breathing” you are exactly right.  If you haven’t drawn breath in more than a week there is a good chance that you may, in fact, be dead.  A visit to the doctor could help delay the onset of early rigor mortis and severe bad breath.  Please, do not drive to your doctor if you have this symptom.  You may be lucky and just be one of the legions of undead zombies that walk the earth, but why risk an accident.

Spontaneous Combustion

A silent killer ends the lives of nearly 1.8 million Americans every month. Four thousand humans accidentally burst into flame every ten seconds around the world.  This horrible affliction turns average, normal people into human blowtorches at a moments notice. It often goes unrecognized, but people all around us are exploding all the time.  If you notice profuse sweating, overwhelming thirst and flames shooting from your chest your body may be telling you something.Americans who have been diagnosed with pyrokinesis are especially susceptible to this ailment.

An Overwhelming Urge To Eat Someone You Know

Some cultures practice ritual cannibalism.  We, unfortunately, are not one of them.  Besides the risk of social embarrassment that acting on this fantasy could create, there is the issue of indigestion and potential consequences from improperly prepared human remains.  If you are looking greedily at a friend or family member thinking of eating them…DON’T.  It’s unhealthy, dangerous and just plain gross.

So, the moral of the story is see your doctor.  The American Doctors In Need Of Pensions Because They Invested In Tech Stocks Association recommend visiting your doctor at least 3 times a week.  American men who visit their doctors regularly, don’t smoke, avoid ingesting large amounts of heroin or arsenic and eat more than once a week are four times as likely to live into their 70s.  And as everyone knows, the most important thing is not being dead.

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April 10, 2011

Philip Morris Corporation Purchases Exclusive Naming Rights to Emphysema

By Keith Spillett

In a move to reestablish itself as a force in the cigarette industry, tobacco giant Philip Morris today purchased exclusive naming rights to emphysema.  They will pay the World Health Organization (WHO) 900 million dollars over the next 10 years in order to own the right to name the disease whatever they want to.  Initially, Phillip Morris simply wanted the words “Philip Morris, Official Sponsor of Emphysema” to be spoken each time the crippling illness was mentioned, but for an additional 100 million per year they have been given the ability to give the disease an entirely new name.  In order to get rid of the negative connotations people have with the word “emphysema” the disease will now be referred to by doctors and health care professionals as “Skippy”.  “We felt that emphysema strikes a gloomy chord with the public and that there was no harm in brightening the name up a bit,” said Philip Morris Public Relations Director Henry Haldeman.

The corporate re-naming of diseases is part of a larger privatization trend that includes selling formerly public property to corporations.  It started with the privatization of water supplies and other formerly public resources, but has now moved to more abstract concepts like disease names.  The bidding war has already started for the rights to name rhumetoid arthritis and diabetes, the next two ailments that will be on the block.  There have been rumors that the right to name several body parts is the next frontier.  Last year, The Disney Corporation offered 400 million dollars for the rights to name the human pancreas, but a serious bidding war has yet to develop.

Part of Philip Morris’ deal with the WHO is to pledge 10 million dollars a year to emphysema research.  According to “We are not trying to convince people that emphysema, uh, excuse me, Skippy, is a good disease.  We are just trying to remind people that Philip Morris is an important member of the global community.  Therefore, we will continue to maintain our commitment to eradicating Skippy from the planet,” said Philip Morris CEO James Erlichman in a press conference to announce the deal.

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March 6, 2011

We Are Bones, We Are Dust

By Keith Spillett

This thing that I think that I am, sometimes, I am not.  Looking at an X-Ray of my right foot has twisted my mind into knots for the past few weeks.  It’s not that they found anything that disturbing. My doctor discovered a bone spur, which I was pretty sure that I had.  No surprise there.  I am having surgery tomorrow.  Again, not a surprise.  The thing that got in my head was the X-ray itself.  If I am what’s in that picture…what am i?

There was this picture of the bones in my foot staring at me.  The doctor was pointing to things and saying a bunch of words, but I was transfixed on the picture.  There I am?  There I AM!  There I am?!?!?!?  This picture is of the inside of me.  Underneath all of this skin and blood are a set of bones. These bones have been with me all of my life.  They were at my high school graduation, they were there when I got married, they attended the births of my two beautiful children, they have seen me laugh, they have seen me cry, they have been there when I thought I was alone.  I couldn’t process it. These bones are actually me!

The me that I think I am is the thing that experiences the world consciously.  I am aware of feelings and ideas.  I make plans and I remember experiences.  I see, I smell, I touch, I taste, I hear.  I have no problem associating these things with me.  Then, there are these bones. They are in me, they are part of me, but I can’t believe that they are me. This picture wasn’t some random x-ray they keep in the back and show everybody.  These were my bones!  Seeing them really sucked the magic out of everything.  I tend to think of myself as more than the sum of my parts, but maybe I am nothing more than my parts. Maybe, I am just bones and skin and blood with a few organs floating around.

There are parts of myself I have never seen.  I don’t know what my hip bone looks like.  I don’t know what my liver looks like.  My heart, my brain, my lungs…all highly valuable parts, but I couldn’t tell mine from my neighbors.  The me that I know seems so special, so unique.  My memories seem so important, as if they are part of some great mystery that I have a lifetime to solve.  My thoughts, my ideas, my identity all seem to be pieces in the great “who am I?” puzzle.  They all conspire to make me believe that I am an enigmatic character whose mythology is terribly important.  And then, there is this picture of the inside of my foot.  It is not special.  It is not unique.  It is simply mineralized osseous tissue housed in a pile of skin that is called “foot”.  There are somewhere in the range of 14 billion of them and they all pretty much look and act the same.  Sure, there are minor subtleties and nuances, but for the most part, what is the difference?

My foot does not find itself unique.  It pushes against surfaces over and over throughout a day.  It works, it rests.  It does not feel loneliness or claustrophobia if it is trapped in a shoe for too long.  It does not become jealous that I am favoring my other foot.  It does not make plans to meet with my spleen for coffee.  It does not become romantically involved with my esophagus.  It does not ponder the mysteries of the universe and wonder what will happen to it when it dies.  It is material and material has no time for enchantment.  It simply is.  When it ceases to work, it will waste away along with the rest of this thing that is me.

There is a part of me that cannot imagine that this is possible.  There must be something else, there must be something more.  I am more than that picture.  I am not just bones.  I am not just flesh.  I am something mystical.  I am more than those parts.  I am more than words on a page saying “healthy, well-developed 35 year old male suffering from Hallux rigidus“. Right?  Right?!?!?!

Maybe this identity of mine that I find so fascinating is just a bunch of electrical impulses.  Maybe we are just piles of material walking around among other piles of material, thinking that thoughts and memories and ideas make us more.  These self-important piles of material spend much of their time avoiding damage so that they can one day be part of creating new piles of material.  And on and on with no direction, no meaning and no end.  Thousands of them are created each day and thousands disintegrate. It does not matter…it is only matter.

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January 30, 2011

I Lost 30 Pounds in 30 Days…Without Amputation!!!

By Keith Spillett

Picture of a James Sullivan BEFORE he started the Nine and FINE Diet

Picture of James Sullivan JUST 30 DAYS AFTER starting the Nine and FINE Diet!!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!!!!  Today, I am here to talk to you about a diet that changed my life.  For years, I have struggled with my weight.  I have tried every diet on the market, but after a few days I am unable to keep to the diet because I am hungry all the time.  The most recent studies have said that eating 5 small meals a day will result in significant loss of pounds.  I heard this and thought it was impossible but it seems to be very effective.  Unfortunately, I have been unable to make this system work quickly enough and I still find myself hungry at night.  It seemed like there was no hope for me, and then I found out about the Nine and FINE Diet.  Are you sitting down?  I am about to tell you something that may sound too good to be true, but rest assured, this diet is one hundred and twelve percent effective for everyone.  According to scientists*, eating NINE large meals a day will help you lose significant amounts of weight overnight.

What?!?!  Eat nine large meals and lose weight!  How could it be true?  Well, according to scientists, the human body has some pretty amazing properties.  There is a certain point that the body hits where it is so overwhelmed by fat, carbohydrates and proteins that it begins to secrete a substance recently discovered by scientists called Jimbobwe.  Jimbobwe is a substance that eats fat.  If you have ever had a night where you ate to the point of near sickness and woke up a pound or two lighter it is because you tripped your Jimbobwe receptors.  If you think about it, the human body is kind of like the card game hearts.  In hearts, if you have the best cards you get a lot of points.  But, if you have the worst possible hand, you get even more points.  The body works in the same way.  Impossible, you say!?!?!  Scientists have proven it!!!  Ever see a 98 year old who ate badly all of her life and is still in great health?  How, you ask?!?!  Jimbobwe!!!!

Let me give you a personal example.  I started the Nine and FINE Diet on a Monday morning.  For breakfast, I had a full plate of eggs, bacon, pancakes, French toast and grits.  At about 9 o’clock, I ate a large ham sandwich, two plates full of mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese.  At 10:30, I ate three large hamburger patties wedged between two grilled cheese sandwiches, fries and 6 cokes.  At noon, I ate a rack of ribs, twelve dinner roles covered in butter, a side of lobster bisque soup and a plate of fried plantains.  At 1:30, I ate half of a medium cooked turkey, a large vanilla milkshake, two plates of collard greens, a hot fudge sundae and 4 peanut butter sandwiches.  At 4, I ate a large porterhouse steak, a baked potato covered in sour cream, a plate of braised pig’s knuckles, 4 slices of pizza dipped in bleu cheese and 4 cans of A and W root beer.  At 6, I ate another steak, fried onions, a Cinnabon, an entire bag of cool ranch Doritos, a Meximelt from Taco Bell, and a large vat of cookie dough ice cream.  At 6:45, I ate six fried Snicker Bars, a Whopper from Burger King and fries from Checkers.  Then, as I was getting ready for bed at 8 o’clock, I ate a bag of caramel corn, 4 turkey legs, cotton candy, a dish of funnel cake covered in ice cream, 7 pieces of chicken fried in Crisco, another Cinnabon, nine bagels covered in cream cheese, a Big Mac and 3 more milkshakes.  In total, I consumed close to 40,000 calories that day.  I also lost 5 pounds.  After 30 days of the diet, I had lost 56 pounds**.

Maybe I’m just lucky, you say.  Well, then how do you explain Marvin Altcheck?  Marvin followed the Nine and FINE for thirty days and lost 37 pounds***.  Or Jane Smith?  Jane lost 67 pounds in 30 days on the Nine and FINE Diet****.  What about Julia Marshall?  Julia began the diet at 883 pounds.  After thirty days on the diet, she was 938 pounds.  Now that’s progress!!!

Picture of Kate Johnson BEFORE the Nine and FINE Diet

Here's Kate Johnson AFTER JUST 2 MONTHS of the Nine and FINE Diet

I often hear people say things about Americans eating too much.  Maybe, these so-called “doctors” and “dieticians” are wrong.  Maybe the problem is we don’t eat enough!!!!!!!

Let’s say you have the problem that many overweight, patriotic Americans have.  You simply don’t like to eat.  Well, for just 19.99 I can offer you a thirty-day supply of Jimbobwe supplements.  Or, eat nine large meals a day AND take the supplements.  Hey…every little bit helps…Right?!?!?!?  Simply send your credit card/bank account information the address given below in the Cayman Islands and expect your supplements in the mail any day.  If you send your information in the next 12 hours, I will include a book called “The Mysteries of Jimbobwe”, a 98-page book with pictures of some of our success stories along with 47 brand new Crisco based recipes for weight loss.

So, if anyone asks you what you weigh…go ahead and finish that ice cream sundae, that box of Oreos and that stick of butter, look them in the eyes and tell them “I’m Nine and FINE” and let the results speak for themselves.

*  When using the term scientists, I am referring to several friends of mine who have taken at least 3 college level science classes.

**  Results of the diet are not typical.  Many people lose only thirty pounds in a month while other gain large amounts of weight.

***Marvin credits the Nine and FINE Diet (coupled with liposuction surgery) with his dramatic weight loss

****Jane died from congestive heart failure on the seventh day of the diet, but for the sake of the study, scientists continued to track her progress after her death

11 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Health Tips for An Early Death

January 18, 2011

Ester of Wood Rosin: The Miracle Preservative that Works Miracles

By Keith Spillett

An Oasis of Hope???

Today I’d like to talk to you about a preservative that has been given a bad reputation over the years.  Many people believe that because ester of wood rosin is made from wood or that its chemical cousin ester gum is used in paints, lacquers and varnishes, that it is something that they should avoid drinking.  People who think this couldn’t be further from the truth. I have found, through days and days of careful research, that it is, in fact, a wonderous creation that has transformative, healing powers.

I came to this discovery by accident.  I was in my home working on my model airplane collection and I cut my finger.  I did not have a band aid, gauze  or any soy sauce handy to stop the bleeding.  Not wanting to ruin my scale model reconstruction of Delta’s first DC-10 airplane, I took the can of Fresca I was drinking and poured it directly on the wound.  I wasn’t sure what might happen but you can imagine my surprise when the bleeding stopped and the wound closed within about 10 seconds.  This was a rather large cut that should have required stiches, but the Fresca seemed to heal it right away.

I started to wonder why this happened so I looked at the can of Fresca.  The ingredients seemed rather normal (EDTA, acesulfame potassium, brominated vegetable oil, carob bean gum).  I looked each of the ingredients up and found nothing that piqued my interest until I got to ester of wood rosin.  With one search of the internet, my entire life changed forever.  Apparently, a scientist named Dr. Arnold Kreifeld conducted a study near Harvard University back in 2003 where he tested the effects of ester of wood rosin on injuries.  Kreifeld’s assistants cut the arms of 100 study participants with razor blades.  They then poured water on the wounds of half the participants and Fresca or Tahitian Treat (both drinks with large amounts of ester of wood rosin) on the other half.  The half that were treated with ester of wood rosin showed significant improvement compared to the other group.  Kreifeld, who is currently in Leavenworth Federal Prison for sending “suspicious” packages to news broadcasters, had stumbled on to the medical discovery of the decade, perhaps the century.  Kreifeld first gained a great deal of recognition as a researcher for the tobacco industry back in the late 1980s.  During his time there he co-authored a monumental study that showed that long term cigarette use leads to increased IQ scores.  As important as his earlier work was, it is clear that his work in the field of ester of wood rosin research could have changed much of how we view medicine today.  Had he not been imprisoned on trumped up charges, he’d be viewed with the same reverence as great medical minds like Jonas Salk, Hippocrates and Dr. Oz.

Deeply impressed with Dr. Kreifeld’s work, I decided to do a few experiments of my own.  For one month, I bathed my two young children exclusively in Fresca.  This was quite an expensive proposition (it takes nearly 17 cans of Fresca to fill a bath tub), but it was a sacrifice I needed to make for the good of mankind.  My son, who we will refer to as Mortimer for the purposes of this post, has grown 29 inches since the experiment began.  Mortimer, who at 3 years old stands nearly 6 feet tall, has already gotten recruiting phone calls from The University of Kentucky, The New Jersey Nets and The Ringling Brothers Circus.  Thanks to ester of wood rosin, his future is bright.

I began pouring two cans of Fresca over my head per day, one first thing in the morning, one during afternoon visitation, and I have watched my head go from looking like bowling ball to having long, flowing Fabio-esque hair.  My wife, who recently suffered a broken leg in a waterskiing accident, was injected with Fresca once a night during her sleep for two weeks.  The doctors said it would take 3 months for her leg to heal;  it took 9 days.  I took a syringe to a local senior center down the street and randomly injected an 82 year old woman.  With one surprise injection of ester of wood rosin, she went from barely able to walk to turning double back flips while singing the opening song from Guys and Dolls.

Fresca is not the only soft drink with ester of wood rosin, but I prefer it because of it’s tangy flavor.  There are many drinks that contain this miracle of modern science.  Several government military contractors and food conglomerates are considering creating ester of wood rosin supplements which may be on the shelf at your local supermarket within the next few years. Until then, you’ll have to stick to drinking soft drinks to get the health benefits of this little wonder. When you are staring at your birthday cake and looking at 146 candles, you’ll thank me for this great bit of advice.

14 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Health Tips for An Early Death

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