Archive for category General Weirdness
The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.
“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.
Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.
Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.
Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.
“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”
“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault. Then, he told me I was fired and hung up. It was all very strange.”
In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”
General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.
In 2016, everyone’s favorite Metal Monarch is coming to the Motor City.
Universal Studios, The Ford Motor Company and The Church of Satan will spend 1.3 billion dollars to build the greatest American attraction since the creation of Disneyworld. King Diamond’s “Them” Park is expected to bring millions of visitors from around the world all hoping for a mindless diversion from the crippling sense of sadness and terror experienced by people trapped on the dead-end thrill ride that has come to be known as “the human condition”.
The massive 490-acre amusement park will be located under downtown Detroit, Michigan. Among highlighted attractions slated to be built are eight extreme roller coasters, nine opera houses, a zoo featuring five of The King’s stock of minotaurs and a water park that will use over 666,000 gallons of tea for excited kids and parents to splash around in.
The park’s main focus is on the recreation of King’s stories brought to life in Broadway musical reviews. These will run 24 hours, 7 days a week in nine 5000 seat opera houses located throughout the lot.
Another major attraction will be a magnificent, centrally-located gothic carousel for children and parents to enjoy. A park cast member, playing the role of the infamous character O’Brian, will welcome families onto one of the steeds while they are whimsically whisked away to portray one of the heroic black horsemen. Then they will be encouraged to interact in the story by killing Baby Abigail.
According to former drummer Snowy Shaw, “I’ve always loved It’s A Small World, but now imagining the joy I will get by seeing my children pretend to destroy cursed artifacts, bury people alive or burn a witch at the stake brings tears to my eyes!”
“The muppet theatre is going to be fantastic!” says puppet mistress Missy La’Fey. “We’ve been working with the puppets, injecting them with harvested blood and sprinkling them with goofer dust to insure that the show’s television simulcasts will be unprecedented. It’s really what our children need now-a-days: a hellish, nightmare version of Sesame Street.”
The project is expected to employ over ten thousand out-of-work carnies and jump start the bankrupt city’s economy by creating the largest man-made themed tourist destination in the world.
Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan believes “Detroit is back! We will no longer be viewed as a post-apocalyptic trailer park wasteland, but rather a home to those who appreciate demented rituals like human sacrifice and overpriced family fun. By 2020, we expect the city to finally be in The Black.”
“With studios acquiring multi-billion dollar franchises like Star Wars, Marvel and Harry Potter, it was a no-brainer that King Diamond would be the next in line,” says Ronald Meyer, CEO of Universal Studios. “It’s a positive message to kids about supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. We finally have a fun and exciting vehicle to expose children at an early age to the social and economic benefits of devil worship.”
Early promotional events will include “Nuns Have Fun Day” where nuns get in for half price and are allowed a day long bottomless cup of “Melissa Slurpies”. Affordable family packages that, according to the park brochure “won’t cost an arm and a leg…just a soul”, will go on sale next month.
(article contributed by former Washington Post investigative reporter Myron Dinkle)
In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.
Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics. His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.
Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike. Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.
G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.
Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.
According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.
Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.
Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.
Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate. They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.
Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”
“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”
Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.
Neill Jameson, better known as Imperial of the black metal band Krieg, has been routinely making the metal headlines over the last year. Between his collaboration with Thurston Moore on the latest Twilight album, and his statements regarding the fallout from Blake Judd, Jameson has been the focus of both accolades and controversy. However, a new development in his personal life will likely trump any of the gossip surrounding his musical output. After years of complete estrangement, the notorious frontman has finally acknowledged and reunited with his equally notorious sister, Jenna Jameson.
“For years, I didn’t want think of Jenna as family,” said the vocalist in a recent Noisey.com interview. “She left home early and never got along with my mom, so I didn’t really have any good memories of her past about the age of 8. But she and I have both been through a lot, and I’ve grown quite a bit as a person, so I think we have more common ground than we did back then.”
For her part, Ms. Jameson, who is by all accounts the most successful pornographic actress in the history of the industry, was also enthusiastic to get re-acquainted with her younger brother.
“When Neill emailed me out of the blue last month, I was so surprised and moved. I even cried a little, because it brought back so many memories. He was always a sweetheart, even when I teased him by doing stuff like rubbing my boobs in his face. I’m really proud of what he’s done with his music and how he has taken it all over the world. It just goes to show the talent that runs through this family.”
Neill admits he denied his relation to Jenna for years, particularly after she had gained celebrity status. “People would always joke about her being my sister, and I’d just laugh it off and say, ‘I wish’, but it was actually painful to think I had less of a chance of reaching out to her once she became famous.”
And the awkwardness didn’t stop there. “Just about every one of my friends was into Jenna and had her videos. I couldn’t even be in the room when they’d put them on, though I finally got some of her movies out of morbid curiosity, and even successfully utilized them after a fashion. It was clear that the person on the screen was very different than the one I grew up with, so it was easy to pretend it was someone else.”
At this point, the Jamesons are very aware of one another, and happily so. They plan to collaborate on future endeavors, with Jenna offering to model Krieg merchandise and appear on the cover of the band’s upcoming album, “A Stranger on the Screen”, which is apparently inspired by the siblings’ reconciliation. Jenna may also have work for her kid brother in upcoming films she will direct for Vivid Video.
“It would be so much fun to have Neill on the set of a movie,” stated the eight time AVN award-winning actress, “he could play a pizza delivery guy or a plumber or something like that. If he shows some aptitude for the work like I did, we might have a new adult film star on our hands!”