Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.
According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”
This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.
Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.
However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”
Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.
Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.
Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”
Trent Reznor stunt double and heavy metal magician, Criss Angel, has been incapacitated after a charity performance went horrible wrong. Angel was performing illusions at a Las Vegas fundraiser to purchase several new pineal glands for Nickelback singer Chad Kroger when, literally, all hell broke loose. Those familiar with Angel know that he thrives on pushing the boundaries between normal reality and heavily edited video reality. In an effort to freshen up his act, Angel decided it was time to attempt a magic trick of epic proportions which skeptics couldn’t write off as hard rock sleight of hand.
Taking the stage before tens of tens of spectators, Angel announced that America is lagging behind other world superpowers in renewable energy efforts and that he was ready to make the U.S.A. completely free of it’s addiction to fossil fuels and chemtrails by summoning the Sumerian god of clean energy, Hexxoncoalatreius Theourge. Angel allegedly planned to trap the Great One into a salvaged Boeing 747 turbine to create an infernal combustion engine capable of supplying power to all of North America.
The chaos started when Angel guided the blindfolded members of Nickleback into the center of a pentagram he had drawn on the stage with a mixture of crude oil and muskrat pancreas. He then commenced to sounding out words from the Necronomicon while moonwalking back and forth across the venue until a cloud of coal ash began to materialize above the crowd. Three loud thunderclaps rang out and Angel stared in disbelief as several members of the audience burst into green flames and the rest of the mob of panicked attendees fought to hide in the trunk of his nearby Prius. Suddenly a vortex of pitch darkness opened up behind the stage and tentacles began making their way towards the stunned magician.
Angel was observed throwing playing cards and colorful handkerchiefs at the gibbering entity that began to emerge from the vortex and he appeared to confuse the beast with a squirting flower and a Rubik’s Cube while he strategically placed the members of Nickleback between himself and the creeping abomination. In what appeared to be a moment of calm, the beast enveloped the members of Nickleback in a mass of writhing limbs and pulled them into a parallel universe where their hit song, Something In Your Mouth, is the theme song of the Spanish Inquisition and Tipper Gore is Pope.
You may have never heard of the song “Hammer Smashed Face” by Cannibal Corpse, but apparently Led Zeppelin has.
According to recently released phone recordings of Jimmy Page talking to Zeppelin vocalist Robert Plant, the two conspired to steal the opening riff from “Hammer Smashed Face” and put it in their legendary song “Stairway To Heaven”. Page, who studied the art of transcendental time travel in an ashram in Northern New Jersey in the early 1960s, allegedly leaped ahead in time in order to find inspiration for Led Zeppelin IV.
While in the year 1994, he astrally projected himself into a movie theater in order to watch Jim Carrey’s comedy classic “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”. While watching Cannibal Corpse’s bizarre cameo in the film, he came upon the opening riff from “Hammer Smashed Face” and a rock’n’roll epic was born. Moments later, he teleported his soul to a local Sam Goody where he purchased “Tomb of The Mutilated”.
When Page returned, he played the song over the phone to Plant. The two were in the studio in a matter of hours. The rest is history.
“If you listen to the two, the similarities are obvious,” said metalhead attorney Butch Carnage. “It’s not just the guitar parts either. The blast beats are even exactly the same. Who do these guys think they are kidding?”
This is not the first time a metal band has accused Led Zeppelin of plagiarism. In 2009, Obituary charged that Zeppelin lifted a portion of “Chopped in Half” to create the song “D’yer Mak’er”. Texas death metallers Devourment have claimed that the song “Whole Lotta Love” is practically a carbon copy of “Parasitic Eruption” off of the album “Conceived In Sewage”. Nuclear Assault has also alleged that Zeppelin covered “Good Times, Bad Times” on Led Zeppelin I without properly crediting them.
We tried on several occasions to contact members of the band to get their comment. We even went so far as to hire a psychic medium to conduct a séance in order to speak with the spirit of drummer John Bonham. However, the band has yet to make a public statement on this brewing controversy.
The Department of Homeland Security issued a Code Green alert last week when they were informed of a possible terrorist plot in Washington State. A Chinese sleeper cell was discovered operating out of the Washington Zoo and the city is in lock-down with mandatory curfews and roadblocks set up at every one of the city’s 890 Panda Express restaurants. The Shyong-Mahw Pinyin or “Giant Cat Bear Revolution” was discovered operating a cassette pirating and penny counterfeiting scam from inside one of the panda habitats in the Seattle Zoo.
Authorities were called to the zoo after Blanche Grant, a panda keeper, reported that she was distributing the evening bamboo rations and one of the “pandas” pulled a gun on her and demanded she take him to the nearest Panda Express because he “couldn’t take eating bamboo for one more day”. At that moment all hell broke loose when several of the other “pandas” tackled him and dragged him back inside the enclosure and began to beat him with bamboo rods. The situation escalated when the dominant, really real male panda became enraged by the screams and commenced mauling the costumed terrorists. An explosion shortly followed the human/mammal melee, and it is theorized that the ruckus had caused the premature discharge of a coconut and bamboo explosive device hidden inside the habitat.
Among the evidence obtained at the scene was what appears to be a copy of the terrorists manifesto which railed against such things as the American government’s use of Nickelback songs in extracting confessions from suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, and the recent merger of Comcast and Time Warner Cable and it’s detrimental effects on Netflix streaming services.
Law enforcement personnel are in the process of investigating the remaining animal habitats to see if other well organized terrorist cells have been able to set up shop to engage in illegal activities under the guise of chimpanzees or merkats.
Tyranny of Tradition, an online heavy metal website similar to The Onion, enraged heavy metal fans today when writer Keith Spillett ran fake story claiming that heavy metal rock band Judas Priest would be releasing their seventeenth album in July. The story, which was picked up on several major Internet sites as well as on CNN, claimed that Rob Halford and the boys would be putting out a new record known as “Redeemer of Souls”. In fact, Judas Priest has no plans to release a new album.
The article went so far as to manufacture an interview that never actually happened with guitarist Glenn Tipton. Tipton did not claim that, “sometimes in the past we may have come under fire for being too adventurous musically – so we have listened.” He went on not to say, “from start to finish, Redeemer of Souls is 18 songs of pure classic-Priest metal,” in spite of what this Onion-like website claimed.
Metal fans were not amused. Some of Priest’s biggest supporters threatened violence in the wake of the hoax. “For the first time since 2008, I felt genuine happiness. I started thinking about the joy I’d feel at getting a chance to hear new material from my favorite band. Then, I realized that it was some stupid troll making stuff up in a website that’s like The Onion only about heavy metal. Now, I just want to get this writer ‘Keith Spillett’, if that is REALLY his name, and knock his teeth down his throat,” announced Cyrus Necrovomit, head of the Northern Idaho chapter of the Judas Priest Nation, in a press conference this morning.
Hundreds of threatening emails and thousands of hated-filled comments were posted on the site. The article was taken down an hour ago after Spillett found a human head in a bag with a note attached saying “Tak The Articul Down Or Dy! -Preest For Lif” on his front porch.
No one has claimed responsibility for placing the head on Spillett’s porch, but many experts have been left by a shadowy terrorist organization simply known as “The Bangers”. The group is wanted in connection with several random attacks on posers throughout the Southeast, including the beating of an 87-year-old woman who had just purchased an Asking Alexandria shirt at a Hot Topic in Atlanta. After the woman was knocked to the ground, she was held down by several of the group’s members while a tattoo of Eddie, Iron Maiden’s notorious mascot, was etched onto her forehead.
Meanwhile, Rob Halford is in talks to collaborate with pop star Lady Gaga on a yet to be named project after he finishes the Judas Priest album that doesn’t exist.
According to Halford, “I’ve been into her since she first burst on the scene. I just love everything that lady stands for. First and foremost, her voice is extraordinary. She’s an accomplished musician who plays piano, oboe, zither and tambourine really well. She’s just a great songwriter. And she’s a beacon of hope for a lot of people in the world.”
Next month, Oscar nominated artists Otep plan to re-release the album that redefined the boundaries of progressive metal, “Blackwater Park”. The band, which is named after the Greek Sun god Otep, has become one of the top selling metal acts in world since the album’s release in 1983.
The band’s lead singer Otep Night Shyamalan, a noted thespian and director of the popular film “The Sixth Sense”, has become extremely well known for her outspoken political views. Her strong opinions have made her an important figure both in and out of the world of heavy metal. She was a noted speaker at the Republican National Convention back in 2008 and was cited several times by then-Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin as “a positive voice for values and the traditional American way of life” during campaign speeches.
This summer Otep will be headlining the Mayhem Tour. Bassist Mikael Akerfeldt has hinted that the band plans to play their seminal “Rust In Peace” album from beginning to end on several tour dates, but has not indicated which ones. During a recent concert in Antarctica, the band went back to their roots and played several songs off of their first album “Show No Mercy”.
The band’s well-known singer Oprah Shamaya, whose Grammy winning television talk show went off the air back in 2011, recently issued a controversial tweet on MySpace where she called into question “fake news sites” like Tyranny of Tradition and cnn.com. In the tweets, she referred to herself as a “cultural arsonist” and threatened to set mimes on fire. Our reporters contacted several mimes that refused comment.
While the mimes have been silent on this issue, a representative from the heavy metal rock band Slayer indicated that everything that has been written in this article is completely untrue. “Anyone who knows Slayer knows that none of the members of the band Otep would even THINK about protesting the funeral of former Yankees and Mariners first baseman Ken Phelps,” said Slayer publicist and PMRC spokesperson Josephine McCarthy.
The news, which came a day after blue-haired Alissa White-Gluz (ex-The Agonist) was announced as gold-haired Angela Gossow’s replacement, took everyone but Devin Townsend, Kerry King and the rest of their ilk by surprise.
“From the moment Alissa’s blue hair interlocked with my red hair, a purple spark ignited between us and I knew that we have something special going on,” said red-haired lead windmiller Michael Amott, flipping his fabulous mane over his right shoulder under the sunlight.
“And because Head & Shoulders strips away color too quickly, we decided to switch to another brand with a reputation for preserving dyed-hair color. So after thinking long and hard, we decided to jump ship to Silkpro,” Amott continued, swishing his fabulous locks over his left shoulder this time.
Head & Shoulders, known for its dandruff-eliminating ability, is popular amongst long-haired metalheads with oily scalps. When contacted, company spokesman Dan D. Ruff expressed disappointment at Amott’s decision.
“You can’t have both anti-dandruff and color preserve in one shampoo, so we don’t blame Michael for going over to the colored side,” said Ruff. “But he of all people should know that the unhealthy metal lifestyle produces greasy scalps, and greasy scalps produce dandruff. And in no time at all, Arch Enemy’s on-stage headbanging will be raining white flakes down on its audience.”
“In all honesty, colored hair with white specks in it looks worse than spotless black hair,” Ruff continued.
However, Silkpro spokesman Richard Tan disagrees. He claimed that a new shampoo with 66.6% of anti-dandruff chemical content is in the works. Code-named “Hair Eternal,” it will bestow Arch Enemy members with spotless colored hair, and hit Walmart shelves on June 10.
Although frizzled and ridden with split-ends, White-Gluz’s rad blue hair is in good company. The 28-year-old’s hair hangs about five inches past her shoulders, continuing the band’s tradition of accepting only long-long-haired windmillers as members.
“Most people think Christopher Amott left Arch Enemy to pursue a career in Ikea, but that is not the case at all,” said dirty blonde and ex-vocalist Johan Liiva. “The truth is that Michael actually kicked him out for cutting his fuckin’ hair. Same thing happened with me when I got that Ozzy haircut.”
Indeed, follicles of the same length lock together. Arch Enemy’s latest promotional photo clearly depicts a group of five long-haired individuals, with black-haired bassist Sharlee D’Angelo’s and brown-haired guitarist Nick Cordle’s guitar necks bent towards the luscious locks in utter awe.
According to black-haired drummer Daniel Erlandsson, his instrument is not as enamored with his hair as D’Angelo’s and Cordle’s own. But he speculated that maybe it is because his hair is neither as wavy as D’Angelo’s hair nor brown as Cordle’s hair.
Undoubtedly excited about her new modeling role, White-Gluz has taken it upon herself to add more color to her life.
“Don’t believe McFly, you can definitely have more than five colors in your hair,” said the bluehead as she sat in a salon chair, destroying her hair further by getting white, pink, red, green, yellow and brown highlights.
“There is no such thing as having too many colors in your hair. Colored hair is forever, colored hair is limitless and this is only the beginning!”
Arch Enemy will tour hair salons throughout Asia this July, and will only sign empty Silkpro shampoo containers. Specific dates will be announced soon.