Archive for category General Weirdness
Looks like the whole “Americans choosing not vaccinate their children crisis thing that everyone seems to be worked up about” has gone to a new level!
When a woman in Menlo Park, California showed up at a local emergency room with a nearly 6 foot tall, bearded 2-year-old with an “Unscarred” tattoo across her flabby stomach, doctors believed something might be wrong. It was then that Helen Doltberg revealed to the staff that she had not had her child vaccinated for any disease in the hopes of being more like some of the B-list, crackpot celebrities she stares blankly at on the television in her free time.
“Look, it’s a competitive world out there. How can I possibly expect to keep up with the demands of work and parenting while still trying to get my family its own reality show? The answer is…no vaccines.”
“Sure, Spumoni (Helen’s daughter) may end up with some virus that science eradicated decades ago, but it seemed just as likely that she would morph into some attention grabbing, cloven-hooved beast that television producers couldn’t ignore. We took a risk. But, we never expected anything like this.”
This would be the first reported case of Anselmo contracted in the United States since 2005. Back in 1938, Dr. Jonas Liposuct famously created a vaccine for the virus from mold that had accumulated on a 4-year-old Twinkie. Until the vaccine was created, over 20,000 Americans were infected with Anselmo on a yearly basis.
The long history of Anslemo-related deaths in the United States goes back to the 1700s when Sir Jeffrey Amherst distributed blankets infected with the disease to members of the Fugawi tribe in Massachusetts killing off nearly 90 percent of them within 3 weeks. Amherst later had a town and a college named after him in honor of his great spirit of generosity and creativity.
The first recorded case of Anselmo struck a group of Taters who contracted the virus by eating chimpanzees during their voyage through one of the Italian rainforests in the 1340s. The Taters went on to attack the Italian city of Caffa in 1346, but were so overwhelmed by the virus that they gave up their siege. Still, determined to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on the residents of Caffa in order to avenge the theft of The Sacred Spud from the Tater city of Fribourg back in 1273, they became the first army to attempt the use of biological warfare. The last remaining Tater soldiers vaulted Anselmo infected bodies over the city walls infecting the entire population of the city with the deadly virus as well as causing the city’s burgeoning thrash metal scene to adopt a more “groove-oriented” sound.
The Obama Administration was initially blamed for allowing an American to contract the disease, but claimed to have been too busy infecting dwarves with measles and rubella in their attempt to turn Disneyland into a FEMA concentration camp. Because Obama and his cabal of Kenyan communists were unavailable to be held accountable for this problem, the media has shifted its focus to blaming athletes who do not act as role models, Congressional gridlock, Craigslist, radical Islamic groups throughout the Middle East, people who receive welfare, the police, members of the rap group 2 Live Crew, Chinese toy manufacturers, puppy mill owners, and Casey Anthony.
As the America’s supply of umlauts drops to record lows, some bands are going as far as canceling shows instead of paying the exorbitant cost of purchasing them to put on signs and merchandise. Up until this point, only underground bands like Laaz Rockit have been impacted and had to cancel concerts, but even big name acts like Motley Crue are now being affected.
Motley Crue plans to cancel five dates on their annual final tour instead of spending thousands of dollars per umlaut, the going rate in many parts of the United States. The “It’s Never Too Late To Cash In On The Public’s Fixation With Nostalgia Tour” will no longer be coming to Phoenix, Sacramento and some other places that probably weren’t worth visiting anyway. In Europe, where umlauts grow freely on trees and can be purchased at the same cost as most other punctuation marks, none of the tour dates will be cancelled.
In order to conserve umlauts, some critics have suggested the band could do the shows as Motley Crew. However, according to drummer Tommy Lee, The Crue believe in keeping the integrity of the band’s initial mission sacred. That mission, to bring hard rocking ballads and ironic, faux-European pronunciations to the masses, should not be compromised under any circumstances.
“You can’t spell Motley Crue without the umlauts. I mean, you wouldn’t spell Jesus without a J. It would just just be “Esus” then. And who would take a guy named “Esus” seriously. No umlauts, no Crue…bottom line!”
Motley Crue’s resistance to compromise on its umlaut usage has struck many Americans as being selfish, particularly in a time of crisis. Many impoverished German Americans have been forced to sign their names without umlauts for several months now because of “umlaut gouging” in cities like Madison, Wisconsin and Fargo, North Dakota.
The public health toll of a potential American umlaut famine could be devastating. German infants, who need umlaut milk to avoid vitamin deficiencies and Pointed Head Syndrome, will be hit the hardest. Some mothers have gone so far as to try to supplement the diets of their babies with less nutrient rich asterisks and ampersands. Several parents have even taken to giving their children 1.99 cent a gallon unleaded gasoline in their breakfast cereals.
Jurgen Cathe, head of Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgabenubertragungsgesetz for the Ethical Treatment of Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung, plans to have his group protest several of the remaining American concerts because of the band’s “unwillingness to change their name and confront the most diacritical problem in America today.”
(Due to budget restrictions, Tyranny of Tradition was unable to afford umlauts for this article. If you need to use umlauts in order to understand the text, please print the article out and place appropriate dots above the correct letters)
Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.
Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.
At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.
“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”
Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.
“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”
While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.
The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.
“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.
Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.
Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.
Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.
“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”
“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault. Then, he told me I was fired and hung up. It was all very strange.”
In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”
General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.
In 2016, everyone’s favorite Metal Monarch is coming to the Motor City.
Universal Studios, The Ford Motor Company and The Church of Satan will spend 1.3 billion dollars to build the greatest American attraction since the creation of Disneyworld. King Diamond’s “Them” Park is expected to bring millions of visitors from around the world all hoping for a mindless diversion from the crippling sense of sadness and terror experienced by people trapped on the dead-end thrill ride that has come to be known as “the human condition”.
The massive 490-acre amusement park will be located under downtown Detroit, Michigan. Among highlighted attractions slated to be built are eight extreme roller coasters, nine opera houses, a zoo featuring five of The King’s stock of minotaurs and a water park that will use over 666,000 gallons of tea for excited kids and parents to splash around in.
The park’s main focus is on the recreation of King’s stories brought to life in Broadway musical reviews. These will run 24 hours, 7 days a week in nine 5000 seat opera houses located throughout the lot.
Another major attraction will be a magnificent, centrally-located gothic carousel for children and parents to enjoy. A park cast member, playing the role of the infamous character O’Brian, will welcome families onto one of the steeds while they are whimsically whisked away to portray one of the heroic black horsemen. Then they will be encouraged to interact in the story by killing Baby Abigail.
According to former drummer Snowy Shaw, “I’ve always loved It’s A Small World, but now imagining the joy I will get by seeing my children pretend to destroy cursed artifacts, bury people alive or burn a witch at the stake brings tears to my eyes!”
“The muppet theatre is going to be fantastic!” says puppet mistress Missy La’Fey. “We’ve been working with the puppets, injecting them with harvested blood and sprinkling them with goofer dust to insure that the show’s television simulcasts will be unprecedented. It’s really what our children need now-a-days: a hellish, nightmare version of Sesame Street.”
The project is expected to employ over ten thousand out-of-work carnies and jump start the bankrupt city’s economy by creating the largest man-made themed tourist destination in the world.
Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan believes “Detroit is back! We will no longer be viewed as a post-apocalyptic trailer park wasteland, but rather a home to those who appreciate demented rituals like human sacrifice and overpriced family fun. By 2020, we expect the city to finally be in The Black.”
“With studios acquiring multi-billion dollar franchises like Star Wars, Marvel and Harry Potter, it was a no-brainer that King Diamond would be the next in line,” says Ronald Meyer, CEO of Universal Studios. “It’s a positive message to kids about supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. We finally have a fun and exciting vehicle to expose children at an early age to the social and economic benefits of devil worship.”
Early promotional events will include “Nuns Have Fun Day” where nuns get in for half price and are allowed a day long bottomless cup of “Melissa Slurpies”. Affordable family packages that, according to the park brochure “won’t cost an arm and a leg…just a soul”, will go on sale next month.
(article contributed by former Washington Post investigative reporter Myron Dinkle)
In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.
Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics. His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.
Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike. Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.
G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.
Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.
According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.
Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.
Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.
Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate. They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.
Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”
“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”
Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.