Archive for category General Weirdness

FDA Study Claims Shaolin and Wu-Tang Could Be “Dangerous”

Wu-Tang Clan

After nearly 20 years of research, millions of dollars and 47 solo albums, the FDA has determined the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang, if combined, could cause hundreds of unwanted side effects including carcinomas, melanomas, vanillaromas, mumps, measles, pneumonia, walking kidney disorder, small pox, beagle imitation syndrome, death and even acne.

However, the study vindicated many supporters who believe that the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by themselves were not harmful. The danger, according to the 3636-page study, lies in the interaction between the two compounds.

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The study notes that if a person comes into contact with the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang simultaneously, it is critical that the person receive medical attention immediately. While waiting for an ambulance, bystanders can aid the victim of the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by soaking them thoroughly in oatmeal and feeding them Serbian earwax.

If the victim begins to show signs of dementia by, for example, claiming that Cappadonna’s verse on any song was the best one, it is critical that spectators leave the scene immediately. There have been rare cases of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Virus reported by those who have experienced lengthy exposure to the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang. A Wu-Tang Killa Zombie is capable of transmitting the disease by gnawing on the neck of those who come in contact with it.

Therefore, it is critical that if you find yourself in this situation you protect ya neck.

Man In Early Stages of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Transformation

Man In Early Stages of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Transformation

While Wu-Tang treated products are less common, there are still hundreds of thousands of them left around from peak Wu-Tang in the mid-1990s. This includes Wu-Tang tee-shirts, thermoses, lunch boxes, artificial limbs, tortoises, bunions, thermite, scarves, talking dolls, comic books, canola oil, flatware, ham, poltergeists, bottled water, yeast, enriched uranium, salt, apple sauce and even washing machines. On their own these innocuous items are harmless, but were one to encounter them in the presence of The Shaolin, it could be….well…dangerous.

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Metalcore Band’s Frontman Quits, Guitarist Says Band Will Continue Without Him

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As reported by Loudwire, the frontman of a famed metalcore band announced that he will be parting ways with the band. The news comes just after the release of the outfit’s latest studio album, released on a major label.

Many were shocked to hear that the vocalist would be departing just after the metalcore act was starting to gain traction in the mainstream, not to mention right before their world tour with a lauded post-hardcore band and rising pop punk act.

The renowned metalcore collective’s former frontman issued the following statement:

“After being with this certain metalcore band for a period of time, I’ve decided I can no longer continue being with this certain metalcore band for any more periods of time. I’ve had a lot of fun being with this particular act, but I’ve decided that my time with this specific metalcore band has to come to a close. I wish my fellow band members the best of luck, but it’s time for me to close the gap with this specified metalcore group.”

Many initially thought that this would be the end for the metalcore cohorts, but later, the band’s guitarist issued a statement via the metalcore clique’s Facebook page:

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UPDATE!!!!!!! 11:34 AM EST It was just announced via Twitter that the vocalist of a world famous deathcore band will be joining the metalcore monolith full-time!!!! 

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The deathcore vocalist went on to disperse more exciting news via Twitter, the biggest announcement being that the infamous metalcore band will soon be heading into a studio to begin working on a new studio record, to be released sometime on a record label in the future.

We here at this music website are looking forward to see what this metalcore titan has up their sleeves.

(Article contributed by investigative reporter Jess Casebeer.  For more hard hitting jurnalizmcore, check him out at his site)

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Deathspell Omega Sues Ministry of Magic

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year. (Photo: Bozo)

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year (Photo: Bozo)

POITIERS, France — Bible metal group Deathspell Omega filed a lawsuit against the Ministry of Magic (MOM) for trademark infringement Sunday afternoon.

In a strongly worded sermon delivered at the Post-Christ Church of Blackened Genesis today morning, Deathspell Omega alleged that the MOM, for an improved version of the infamous Killing Curse, has stolen their name.

“It’s ludicrous, the Ministry of Magic has no right to call their new Killing Curse ‘Deathspell Omega’,” the French group said.

“The likelihood for confusion among Muggles and Wizards is high. Just yesterday, two teenage witches walked in during our service, thinking that it was a mass exercise on how to use the improved Killing Curse!”

Under the Madrid Protocol of 1989, to which France and the UK acceded, trademarks registered in any member country automatically gains protection in other member countries, too.

But this only applied to Muggle societies.

After the tragic Second Wizarding War, which claimed multiple Muggle and Wizard lives from 1997 to 1998, diplomatic relations between Muggle and Wizarding societies have vastly opened up. And the Madrid Protocol was revised to also apply to Wizarding societies of member countries.

When contacted, a MOM spokesman said that the Ministry is aware of the lawsuit, and has hired Muggle lawyers to represent them in court.

“It is the first time we have encountered such a peculiarly Muggle problem, so it’s only natural that we have hired the relevant Muggle professionals to assist us,” said the spokesman who wished to remain anonymous.

He added that “Deathspell Omega” was suggested as the name for the improved Killing Curse — a life-extinguishing flash of light coloured blue instead of green to induce calmness before death — by a MOM marketing communications intern to give the curse a “classy” feel. The name also phonetically dissociates the curse from its previous green variant, known as “Avada Kedavra”, that was widely abused by Dark Wizards such as Voldemort during the ’90s.

Responding to queries about the morality of improving the Killing Curse, the MOM spokesman said “Deathspell Omega” is a humane tool meant to be used on death row inmates at Azkaban Prison who opt out of the Dementor’s Kiss scheme.

Deathspell Omega’s lawsuit, which is the first of its kind, has drawn attention from Muggle lawyers.

DLA Piper lawyer Parry Hotter, 30, said that the lawsuit would likely set a dangerous precedent for current tort law governing both Muggle and Wizarding societies.

“Note that ‘Deathspell Omega’ is not actually a registered trademark, but a well known mark,” said Hotter. “So under the Paris Convention for the Protection of Intellectual Property 1883, bible metal group Deathspell Omega can only appeal to the tort of passing off to argue their case. But even then, it’s debatable whether or not an underground group like them is ‘well known’ to Muggles, let alone Wizardkind.”

Hotter added, “If Deathspell Omega wins, numerous bands that sound like spells would try to sue Wizards who name spells after them by accident. And if the MOM wins, bands like Deathspell Omega whom coincidentally have dangerous spells named after them would probably get boycotted by moronic Wizards and Muggles in a hurry, or be conveniently banned by right-wing Muggle government officials.”

Echoing Hotter’s sentiment, Deathspell Omega expressed censorship worries at the end of their sermon.

“What if the Muggle governments, French or not, restrict or halt circulation of our compositions, thinking that they are audiobooks that teach people how to use the improved Killing Curse?”

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Supreme Court Rules Man Has Right To Marry Vinyl Copy of Dokken’s “Tooth and Nail”

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When 49-year-old Charlie Ronce first heard Dokken’s seminal metal record “Tooth and Nail”, he knew loved it. Now, thanks to a 5-4 decision by the United States Supreme Court, he has the right to marry it.

As predicted by conservative pundits and politicians, the Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage has opened the floodgates to all sorts of marriages between men and inanimate objects. In Paraphiliacs United vs. Cleaver, the court ruled that Ronce and any other depraved weirdo can do whatever the hell they want, anytime they want, to anything to they want without facing any repercussions whatsoever.

Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the landmark decision, which has cleared the way for an orgy of godless, disgraceful acts that will bring a quick, painful end to the existence of the United States of America. “No love is more profound than the love of a man for whatever gets him off.  Now, go do whatever sick, disgusting stuff comes to mind without regard to decency or hygiene. It is so ordered,” wrote Kennedy in words that will forever embolden perverts everywhere.

Dokken

Ronce’s courtship of “Tooth and Nail” began when he purchased the album at a Sam Goody in Yonkers, New York in 1985. He casually dated the album at first, still having relations with other albums including Kix “Blow My Fuse” and Sleeze Beez “Screwed, Blued and Tattooed”. However, by the 1990s, he found himself connecting to “Tooth and Nail” on a spiritual level and wanted to demonstrate his deep, abiding commitment to it.

He proposed to his copy of the album on a trip to Hawaii in 1994 after Don Dokken himself autographed it in the Honolulu Airport.   Ronce then began his mission to have a court somewhere in America sanction his fetishistic love of the record. Today, his struggle for the right to do something that no sane person would really ever bother trying to do has been validated.

Antonin Scalia

Conservative Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a scathing dissent, but was unable to read it because police detained him after he leaped across the bench and lunged at Justice Kennedy’s throat with a penknife.   Scalia’s opinion contained nearly 50 references to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, talked at length about how much he hated the song “Just Got Lucky” and ended with the words “Drop The Bomb – Exterminate Them All!” scrawled in blood at the bottom of the page.  Scalia was released later in the day on his own recognizance.

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Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band

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Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.

“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”

In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”

At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.

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New Iron Maiden Album Cover Pays Tribute To James Franco In “Spring Breakers”

Spring Breakers 9

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Iron Maiden set the metal world ablaze this week by releasing the cover art from their soon-to-be-released double album “Book of Souls”. While many fans of the band were impressed with the artwork, some were surprised to learn that Eddie’s new look is based on James Franco’s performance as the drug dealing hooligan known as Alien in Harmony Korine’s 2012 film “Spring Breakers”.

Some die-hard fans of the band were angered by the Maiden’s unwillingness to bring back Derek Riggs to create the new cover. Protests were planned in 12 major American cities on Saturday to bring back Riggs.  However, much of the uproar died down and the protests were cancelled when it was discovered that legendary street artist and 2014 Hipster Hall of Fame honoree Banksy created the new Eddie.

When asked about Eddie’s new crunk-for-2015 look, the band spoke about how the watching “Spring Breakers” launched them in a new creative direction. While the band says many of the tracks are the classic, straight ahead Iron Maiden you would expect, don’t be surprised if you hear a little of what Dave Murray cryptically referred to as “Dem Ruskin Arms Trap Beatz” on the new record. The band has even hinted at collaborating with Yung Jeezy on a crossover song tentatively called “Trap Somewhere in Time”.

There have also been rumors swirling around the Iron Maiden camp that “Book of Souls” is actually a concept album in which a mad scientist fuses Eddie and Alien’s DNA to create a new creature, known as “Crunkenstein”.   The monster goes on a wild rampage through St. Petersburg, Florida during spring break searching for the one thing necessary to his survival, the souls of methheads.  Unable to find any that hadn’t already been sold to Satan, Crunkenstein lays on the beach and spends his last moments alive singing an eleven minute power ballad about the life of Aliester Crowley.

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Franco, meanwhile, was unable to be reached for comment. He is currently somewhere in the mountains of Guatemala working on a new book of poems titled “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Meditations On Things I Was Thinking About While Watching Full House” that is set to be released sometime next year.

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Trey Azagthoth Parts Ways With Morbid Angel

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Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.

“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”

At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.

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