The Devil Wears Prada have spent the past eight years on the cutting edge of the metalcore fashion scene. From skinny jeans to studded belts to those hoodies with random expressions on them that you can find at your local Target for 12 bucks (or at Urban Outfitters for 60), the band has come to define the look of a generation. Now, screamer Mike Hranica plans on taking fashion to a new level. After 12 hours of intense cranial and facial plastic surgery, Hranica is now Tibetan.
Performers in mediocre bands often try to take on a new look in order to distract the audience from the tedious, puerile nature of their music, but this, even by the standards of rock’n’roll theatre, is a bold and audacious step. “We, at The Devil Wears Prada, have always prided ourselves in setting the trends that hundreds of thousands of lemming like teenagers proudly follow in order to conform to the rigorous standards of individuality set by cultural leaders like myself. I believe in 2 years, most teens will be bugging their parents to spend thousands of dollars to get the surgery and be part of the new Tibetan-core scene. We are doing something important here,” said Hranica in an interview with Rolling Stone.
Many industry insiders are praising Hranica for not only creating a new look, but also doing something in order to help the people of Tibet overcome their enslavement to the tyrannical Chinese government. According to music critic Arthur Banal from Spin Magazine, “many musicians have made a career out of co-opting the experiences of oppressed people simply in order to appear “hip”. I applaud Mike on his willingness to take on the look of the Tibetans not only to sell records, but also to call attention to an important cause. Music should be about more than simply allowing people to mindlessly consume images in order to forget about the reality of their own impending death; it should be about freedom, liberty, justice for all and having a great time.”
While Hranica’s “liberation-core look” has drawn nearly universal acclaim, having a nose implanted upside down on his forehead has confused and angered many parents’ groups. Michelle Worthington, President and co-founder of Parents for Obedience, Morality and Corporeal Conformity, issued a statement yesterday that condemned the nasal malfeasance of Hranica. The group, known for shutting down ear gauging clinics through the use of violence, intimidation and large campaign contributions to local politicians, are planning to use all of their resources to make sure that young people do not begin rearranging their faces in a wild display of proboscular anarchy.
During an interview with Fox News anchor Neil Cavuto, Worthington blasted the new fashion trend, “It’s one thing to use the suffering of an entire group of a people as a ploy to sell records. I mean, we’re not communists. However, taking something as sacred and critical to the survival of American youth as the nose and moving it to the forehead is simply a gateway drug for further pushing America down Obama’s slippery slope of moral and cultural decay.”
While most of Merzbow’s over 44,983 albums have flown under the American musical radar, the legendary experimental Japanese noise project of Masami Akita has been creating some of the most innovative and popular music in the world since 1963. Merzbow has scored 52 top 10 hits in the war torn-nation of Burkina Faso and is a regular performer on The Ngoc Ngo Hour (the Mynamarian equivalent of The Ed Sullivan Show). This week they plan on releasing their 17 newest albums putting them at 45,000, only 1347 less than The Melvins who hold the record for most albums ever recorded. In honor of that feat, we proudly present our list of the Top 25 Merzbow albums of all time.
25. The Sights and Sounds of The Spanish Inquisition
24. A 3000-Pound Squid Eating 3 Sailors off The Coast of Japan
23. Merzbow Covers Frank Sinatra’s Greatest Hits Using Only A Sonicare Toothbrush
22. A Reenactment of the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake (featuring Ke$ha)
21. Of Chainsaws and Babies
20. An Autopsy of Some Guy Who Is Not Really Dead But Is Only Badly Injured and Unable to Communicate
19. A Tribute Power Drills
18. 97 Live Caribou Being Shoved Into A Giant Blender
17. A Chicken Giving Birth To The Lochness Monster
16. The Soothing Sounds of The Dentist’s Office
15. Every Backstreet Boys Song Played At The Same Time
14. Reading All of Marcel Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past” In a Fake Donald Duck Voice
13. An Old Man Chewing Tin Foil While Being Fired Out of A Canon
12. The Noise Harvey Keitel Makes When He’s Really Sad in Bad Lieutenant Looped For 12 Hours
11. The Best of Frontal Lobotomies From The Early 20th Century
10. Vin Scully’s Play-By-By Of Nuclear Bombs Destroying Los Angeles
9. The Gurgling Sound of A Man Choking To Death on A Wendy’s Chicken Sandwich
8. A Priest, A Rabbi, 22 Rottweilers and A Clown Fight To The Death Inside of A Whale’s Stomach
7. Having an Ear Infection While Monkeys Break Plates
6. Just Another Day at Bad Newz Kennels
5. That Beeping Sound a Truck Makes When It Backs Up
4. The Vienna Boys Choir Singing The Entire Gettysburg Address While Being Dissolved In Sulfuric Acid
3. The Songs Of David Allen Coe As Interpreted by a Sea Lion
2. An Uninterrupted Hour of The Sean Hannity Radio Show
1. The 7-Month Ultrasound of the Unborn Antichrist
For a short stretch of time in the early 1990s the most important rock band on the planet was Nirvana. Their 1991 album “Nevermind” shot to the top of the charts and forever changed the face of mainstream music. Many considered the album’s hit single “Smells Like Teen Spirit” an anthem for a generation. They followed that success with the multi-platinum selling 1993 album “In Utero”. Who would have believed that 30 years after the release of that fateful album, Nirvana would be forced to embark on a small club tour in order to help regenerate the lungs of drummer and war hero Dave Grohl?
Things started to go down hill quickly for the band after the success of “In Utero”. Singer Kurt Cobain struggled with substance abuse and made several failed suicide attempts in 1994. The band considered breaking up, but soldiered through the difficult times recording the much-heralded 1995 album “Venice Beach”. While “Venice Beach” was a major critical success, the albums slow pace and “post-grunge” use of only acoustic instruments failed to garner the commercial buzz of the prior two albums. With Cobain’s health and mental state deteriorating, the band took a year and a half long hiatus. Bassist Krist Novoselic and Grohl briefly worked on a demo for a side project called The Foo Fighters, while Cobain divorced from Courtney Love and traveled throughout India in the hopes of turning his life around.
Upon Cobain’s return to America in 1997, Novacelic and Grohl abandoned the Foo Fighters project and returned to the studio with Nirvana. The band attempted to move in a groundbreaking new direction with the 1998 release of “Lost in Olympia”, an album that integrated techno music, polka and bluegrass with Nirvana’s trademark grunge sound. The album was a complete disaster. Commonly acknowledged by fans and critics as The Worst Album of the 20th Century, “Lost in Olympia” barely sold 100,000 copies and became a joke within the industry.
Sensing their time had come and gone, the band again took time off from touring and worked on various projects. Grohl briefly toured with Canadian metal band Voivod before playing on Venom’s 2000 release “Resurrection”. Novoselic started a moderately successful alpaca ranch in Idaho. Cobain worked for four years on the script for a film adaptation of Sylvia Plath’s novel “The Bell Jar” which he never completed, only to see another version of the film written by Will Smith win the Oscar for Best Picture in 2005.
In 2004, reunion fever swept the music industry in the wake of Guns’N’Roses release of the genre defining rock album “Chinese Democracy”, which is to date the fourth highest selling album in the history of music behind only Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of The Moon” and Testament’s “Dark Roots of Earth”. Once popular bands like Stone Temple Pilots, Green Jell-O and Nirvana got back in the studio in hopes of capitalizing on the wave of retro-nostalgia. Unfortunately for Nirvana, success continued to elude them and their 2005 heavily “Nevermind” influenced album “Fuzz Knuckle” was considered dead on arrival, barely even receiving airplay on college radio.
Nirvana worked sparingly throughout the next eleven years, appearing briefly on a Limp Bizkit tribute album, writing a jingle for an Arby’s commercial, and opening for pop superstar Kylie Minogue on the Asian leg of her 2009 tour. They began several projects that never saw the light of day, including a depression-ridden Christmas album called “A Season in Hell”, but were never able to put out a complete record. Cobain briefly made news in 2013 with his high-profile six-month marriage to Cher, but quickly faded from the public eye after a nasty divorce. Cobain became a recluse, putting on 200 pounds and spending his days translating the works of Robert Frost into Arabic.
2016 wasn’t a very good year for most people and Nirvana was no exception. The Polish invasion of Europe and subsequent limited nuclear war with the United States caused terrible destruction and horror. Music was the last thing on most people’s minds. The band barely escaped death as Polish tanks rolled into downtown Tupelo, Mississippi in the winter of that year. With most of the East Coast either destroyed by nuclear weapons or overrun by Polish soldiers, Nirvana headed to one of the domed cities in Montana in order to survive.
While in Montana, the band joined with other Polish invasion survivors and formed a militia, which eventually retook all of the US mainland and most of Quebec. Grohl received a medal of distinguished service for his bravery during the Battle of Cleveland in 2019. However, it was during that battle that the Poles released the debilitating biological weapon that has eaten away at his lungs and left him battling for his life.
Life has returned to normal throughout most of America in 2023. Music is again a major part of American life. Cobain and Novoselic have worked tirelessly since the war ended two years ago to raise enough money to bionically regenerate Grohl’s lungs. With his daughter Francis Bean on drums, Nirvana began a 9-month tour of the cities in the Southwest and on the West Coast that are still functional. At a concert last week in Provo, Utah (the new Capital of The United States), Grohl briefly returned to the stage using a set of temporary plastic lungs. The band’s encore of “Come As You Are” sent the 100 or so spectators into fits of wild cheering and screaming. Just for a moment, it felt like 1991 again.
A clip from last Wednesday’s episode of Brazil’s top prime time television program “Brazilian Idol”, known to the people as Placa De Ferver Infestados Rins, has become an Internet phenomenon thanks to the amazing performance of Aldo Infante. Aldo is an 8-month-old whose voice sounds remarkably like Max Cavalera, the former singer of Sepultura and Soulfly. The child sent the capacity crowd into hysterics by performing a spot-on cover of the Sepultura classic “Slaves of Pain” and then going into a stirring rendition of “Troops of Doom”.
This was a great moment for a nation that has experienced terrible turmoil for almost 30 years. Ever since U.S. President Ronald Reagan sent swarms of bee people to the nation in 1986 in order to root our members of the Brazilian Communist Party (Os Desviantes) and ended up accidently killing 2/3s of the population, Brazil has been a country racked with sorrow. “To see a baby, which only years ago would have been used for food by an undernourished population forced to survive in underground caves because of the swarms of killer Beemen stalking their every move, is a great thing for the Brazilian people,” said President Juan Ponce Gatuno.
While the Beepeople have mostly vanished or been killed off, the 2003 invasion of Brazil by The Robot Overlords from Paraguay has been yet another setback in the Brazilian people’s quest for a life above ground. Many Brazilians were so moved by Aldo’s performance they have begun calling him “Salvador” (The Savior) and are talking about him as being a potential leader in a revolution against the bloodthirsty robot killing machines.
Singer and actress Peggy Lee, who moved to Brazil after her death in 2002, is currently a judge on “Brazilian Idol”. She was so moved by Aldo’s performance that she ran onstage, sat in the lotus position and immolated herself in front of the cheering crowd. Although she has burns over 98 percent of her body and currently lacks the ability to speak or breathe, she is expected to return to the show next week.
Responses from around the world to little Aldo’s Sepultura covers have been extremely favorable. The clip has received over 15 million hits on YouTube and was the lead news item on the nightly broadcast of the BBC for the 3,000 or so Englishmen who survived The Great English Bloodfeast of 2009. Americans, who have been mostly unharmed by the plagues, famines and alien attacks that have decimated most of the world, particularly love little Aldo. According to Courtney Thirstwood, who lives in a gated community in Colorado, “OMG…..It is sooooooo amazing! The baby sings heavy metal! That’s soooo 80s!!!! And it’s cute! And cute things are fun to look at! Cause they’re cute!”
We have always been a Bolt Thrower family. Many of our happiest, most memorable times have been spent listening to their music. Whether it was me soothing my son on his first trip to the dentist by playing him all of “In Battle There Is No Law” or my wife and I making the long car trips from Atlanta to Minnesota go by quicker by singing “Cenotaph” with them, Bolt Thrower have almost been like relatives. This is why, on my daughter Jo-Anne Bench Spillett’s fifth birthday, we’d like to hire Bolt Thrower to play the party.
However, as you probably have figured out, hiring a death metal band to fly from England to Atlanta to play can be expensive. My wife and I talked about how to make it happen financially, but short of working nine more jobs and selling the platinum grill I had made during my brief rap career, it didn’t seem affordable. Enter the miracle that is Kickstarter! We have seen several projects from a Veronica Mars movie to an Obituary album to a nose job for Sebastian Bach all get funded this way. Why couldn’t our dreams come true as well?
Therefore, I am proud to announce that The Tyranny of Tradition will be starting its first Kickstarter campaign to raise $250,000 dollars to get Bolt Thrower to play my daughter’s 5th birthday party on November 22nd. Sure, $250,000 is a lot of money, but I want to assure each and every one of you that each and every penny will be put to good use. In the spirit of transparency, here is an itemized list of what the money will be used for.
Band Compensation $25,000
Bolt Thrower is a legendary band and they won’t come cheap. Being metal legends, they deserve to be well compensated for their time. They will, of course, be responsible for their own airfare.
While we’d love to have them in our home for a one-time, special birthday concert, the wife and I are not particularly keen on letting them stay in our house overnight. We live in a gated community with an extremely active homeowners association. I’m not sure they would be willing to tolerate Baz Thomson walking out at 7 o’clock in the morning holding a Miller Lite and wearing nothing but his boxer shorts to get the newspaper. Let’s face it, they are kind of, well, dirty looking. Not any more than most metal bands, but certainly not the type of people we necessarily want the neighbors to see us with. They’ll fit in fine at the Super 8 motel out in Snellville.
According to the City of Atlanta, I’m not technically allowed to have a death metal band play in my backyard without a permit. Because of the potential noise and disruption, several local city officials have told me that it will be impossible to get a permit for the event. The $20,000 will be used to bribe the necessary City Council Members needed to get us the permit or, in case they are unwilling to be bribed, to hire a private investigator to dig up humiliating blackmail information on them.
Instead of hiring one of those costly, pretentious professional security companies, I have contacted a local motorcycle gang, known as The Disciples of Satan, to make sure that things don’t get out of control. Not only will they be tasked with crowd control, they will need to go door to door in the days leading up to the concert and threaten my neighbors with violence or the potential kidnapping of their children should they complain to the police about the noise or lack of available parking. The Rolling Stones used a similar approach to security with great success.
Home Renovations: $80,000
Our home is simply not ready for a concert of this magnitude. The backyard will need to be equipped with arena style seating, a stage and adequate bathroom facilities for the 10 or 20 children that will be attending. Also, a hot tub will need to be added overlooking the backyard in order to allow me to help loosen up my back from moving furniture to ensure the children don’t break anything if they wander into the living room. We will also need to add marble countertops in the kitchen and a new family room in order for us to spend quality time together.
Opening Bands: $10,000
Bolt Thrower is an older band who probably can only do a one hour set without risking collapse. Most parents expect these parties to go 2 to 3 hours. So, the show will feature several talented local bands including Spectrecide, Butter Knife Appendectomy, and Dysrythmic Sphincter Valve who will perform while the kids are playing party games like Pin the Murder Rap on Randy Blythe.
Live Pokémon Characters: $5,000
Besides old school death metal, both of my young children love Pokémon. What would make them happier than if people dressed in Pokémon suits came out during Bolt Thrower’s set to really get the pit moving? We’d have Snorelax, Charazard and even, during the encore, a visit from the one and only Pikachu.
It’s amazing how many things need to be rented or purchased outright in order to make something like this work. Lights, speakers, smoke machines, animal parts to be tossed into the crowd, a cake, and goodie bags filled with Bolt Thrower merchandise can really add up.
Remaining Money For Personal Compensation: $87,000
This is America. No one works for free. My wife and I plan on working hard to make this day very special for our little girl. Thusly, our effort should be rewarded in the form of monetary compensation for our time and labor.
Hopefully, this campaign will raise the funding necessary to make my daughter’s birthday a day to remember. If it is successful, this is only the beginning. I am already in the planning stages of several possible Kickstarter campaigns including a $300,000 campaign to stop Megadeth from making another album, a $5 million dollar drive reanimate Dio and a $250 million dollar fundraiser to take over the nation of Botswana and declare it a Heavy Metal Republic. So, take a moment of your time and help us to make November 22 the best 5-year-old birthday party ever. You’ll be glad you did.
The classic adage “One does not simply drink one beer at a Municipal Waste concert” may have finally run its course; in the process, triggering the worst financial turmoil in months. Yesterday’s Waste show in Pori, Finland yielded a novel sight for the band: a barren bar, no crowd surfing, concert-goers standing completely still when called to form a Wall of Death, and a general air of utter boredom.
“I don’t know how to describe it… I just, like, didn’t have fun, man,” said one attendee.
At the end of the next business day, the NASDAQ lost nearly 1.5% of its value, down to 3099.14, while Dow Jones Industrial Average did not fare much better, falling 1.2% to 13521.97. The crisis, according to Thomson/Reuters, may be contained for the moment – due to the location of the show in Finland, which has a strong manufacturing base that can offset damages to commodity and retail losses from the concert, as well as brighter outlooks for the remainder of the band’s European festival run.
However, music industry pundits and Wall Street bankers alike fear that the effects of the concert could trigger a domino effect that would send ripples throughout the financial system. “Municipal Waste is highly influential in several markets, most notably for commodities like beer, raw materials like wood, plywood, polyester for skateboards and boogie boards, and in clothing markets like those that include jean jackets, bullet belts, and White Nike High Tops,” said a senior analyst at Goldman Sachs, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “There are a lot of traders who are going to buy based on their performances.”
The S&P 500 took the biggest hit, down 1.74% a half-hour before the closing bell.
“There’s been a deluge of market-moving events this week,” said Kleinerman Brigham, chief market strategist for HPL Financial. “Yesterday’s Municipal Waste concert was simply the tipping point, and we’re beginning to see traders react to it.”
Municipal Waste has gone from its underground party-thrash roots to become a major market-shaping force, according to HPL’ research. From January 2003 through August 2013, the correlation between fun had at Municipal Waste concerts and the daily value of the dollar against major U.S. trading partners was -.82. Data available from January 2001 through January 2003 (before the band was signed to Earache Records) shows a correlation between fun had at Municipal Waste concerts and the value of the dollar of -.08. These numbers may seem small, but they have gross consequences. The difference between the two indicates that fun had at Municipal Waste concerts and the value of the dollar tend to have a negative correlation.
“U.S. health and national security is threatened when the value of the dollar is intertwined with fun had at Municipal Waste concerts, which continually feed the U.S. trade deficit,” said J.P. Morgan Chase chief economist Jeremy Johnson. “We need tight regulation of how people enjoy themselves at Waste shows – and we need to do it by setting a cap and floor on fun had, as well as open up new markets for trading allocations of fun, or “fun derivatives”.”
Anti-bank politicians disagree. “Municipal Waste has become a Too Fun To Fail band,” said California congresswoman Elizabeth Boxer. “By no fault of theirs or the governments’ – it was the big banks that allowed the band to become so intertwined with the fate of our economic system.”
This week’s events come at the tail end of a month of bad press for Wall Street. J.P. Morgan has come under ire for manipulating energy prices for thousands of consumers, The New York Times recently released an investigative report about Goldman Sachs’ shady dealings with commodities like aluminum, and nearly every bank is being accused of rigging foreign-exchange FX markets, which play a key role in maintaining currency values.
Brigham sided with Boxer on the issue of regulation versus litigation, while also raising the crisis alarm. “Do I think financial institutions should be held accountable for the losses sustained this week? Should the pension funds for teachers in California, autoworkers in the Rust Belt, and police officers in North Jersey that are going to take the biggest hits be held responsible? Not when the reckless speculation in Municipal Waste-related markets that led to this crisis was done by bankers at the Goldman Sachses of the world. So, yes.”
“This is far from over. Normally Municipal Waste “f**k’s up” its fans. This time, Wall Street may have engineered a system in which the band will “f**k up” five years of economic growth and recovery following the sub-prime mortgage crisis.”
Jari Hjekvik contributed additional reporting from Helsinki.
Half donkey, half zebra, half Danzig and all parts fuzzy and adorable. Lucifuge Anzalone, the foal of a male zebra, a female donkey and metal vocalist Glenn Danzig, was reported to be in good health after, just a few days after being born on an island in the South Pacific. The new species, referred to as a Danzonkey, is not only cute and cuddly, but has a rich, soulful voice reminiscent of Roy Orbison.
The story of Lucifuge’s birth reads like something out of a gothic horror novel. About nine months ago, Danzig was on a cruise of Southeast Asia when his boat capsized killing all 308 passengers. Danzig was feared dead, but managed to hold his breath underwater for 6 days while freeing himself from the hull of the boat. He then swam 300 miles to a remote island near Borneo.
There he encountered Dr. Josef Moreau, a 108-year-old once renowned German scientist who had worked on The Manhattan Project and had been responsible for the creation of DDT. Moreau had been banished to the island back in 1999 after his controversial creation, a 700,000 pound hybrid of a tuna, a Chihuahua and comedian Jerry Lewis, attacked the city of Tokyo.
At first, Danzig and Moreau struck up a friendship, bonding over their interest in the occult roots of Nazism and one of the lost books of the Bible where Jesus makes clay statues come to life and attack the city of Nazareth. However, Danzig realized that there was a problem one morning when he found himself drugged, strapped to an operating table and robbed of his male essence.
Later in the evening, he was able to break free of his cage, get his hands on a ham radio and call in a drone air strike that killed Moreau and most of the other beasts that inhabited the island. However, one of Moreau’s henchmen, a half-human, half-goat named Cupcake, took the female donkey that had been made pregnant with Danzig and a zebra and hid in a cave for months.
Cupcake called the US Department of Defense early on Tuesday in order to sell the recently born Danzonkey, which is reported to have telepathic powers the military hopes to weaponize, for 120 million dollars. Lucifuge is currently staying in at a secret CIA base in Poland along with a team of scientists and shape shifting telekinetics. Meanwhile, according to top government officials, Danzig will not be able to gain custody of the Danzonkey, but will retain the right to visit him on weekends and take him to an occasional ballgame or the zoo.
Earlier this year, the United States Postal Service began to issue a series of stamps to shine the spotlight on some of the finest dead performers in American musical history. The Musical Icon series has already honored Tejano legend Lydia Mendoza and country superstar Johnny Cash. At a press conference this morning, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe announced that the newest stamp would commemorate the life and legacy of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman.
Beyond being a founding member of the band Slayer, Jeff Hanneman’s influence on American life can be felt everywhere. From heavy metal to gospel, from the Halls of Montezuma to the fields of Tripoli, from the outhouse to the courthouse to The White House, Hanneman’s distinct style of riffing has been a major part of America becoming the great nation it is today. Hanneman, a fighter pilot instrumental in the Allied victory during the Civil War, passed away from a combination of spider venom and Heineken earlier this year.
Nothing is more uniquely American then buying things in order to participate in a tragedy (or event, as they are now called). Hanneman’s death has certainly been no exception. “Jeff In Peace” tee shirts were on sale only days after his passing. “Angel of Jeff” coffee mugs followed soon after. The Franklin Mint even issued a series of 1000 collectable plates in order to help those who felt they could only show their appreciation of Hanneman’s work by spending 79.99 on an item that would normally retail for 5 bucks. They sold out 11 seconds after they went on sale.
While many Slayer fans have shown their grief in traditional ways, like buying Slayer merchandise or pirating their discography, a bizarre fetishization of objects directly touched by Hanneman has taken place among the more devout fans. A Raider jersey, supposedly caked in the dried sweat of Hanneman from a show in 2002, was auctioned off on eBay for over ten thousand dollars because of its supposed “healing powers”. Osho von Kegel, a registered shaman and Slayer fan from Sedona, Arizona, has recently begun performing a desert ritual where Slayer fans swallow guitar picks used by Hanneman in order to cure ailments ranging from gout to obstructed bile ducts.
The postal service expects these stamps to be the biggest seller they’ve had in quite a long time. Fans are already putting in advanced orders even though the stamps won’t be out until sometime next year. Roger Burlingame, an avid Slayer fan and stamp collector, was overjoyed when he learned of his hero being honored as part of the Musical Icon collection. “I was hoping that he was going to die at some point soon so that I could buy things to honor his memory. I was so excited when I found out that there is actually going to be a Jeff Hanneman death stamp! I have already ordered one hundred of them and plan to put them on the wall next to my 9/11 commemorative coin collection.”