Archive for category General Weirdness

Genealogy Expert: Wolves in The Throne Room Not Descended From Angels

The Weaver brothers are reportedly not of angelic descent, but human. (Photo: Allison Scarpulla)

The Weaver brothers are reportedly not of angelic descent, but human. (Photo: Allison Scarpulla)

WASHINGTON — Wolves In The Throne Room did not descend from angels, said a genealogy company CEO in his 137-page report that was released on Sunday.

When the elusive forestcore duo claimed to be of celestial lineage in 2011, many of their treehouse neighbors were convinced and started spreading the claim to city dwellers as fact. But not every city dweller was convinced.

“When I first heard it, an alarm bell inside my head immediately went off,” said Tim Sullivan, avid tree metal fan and CEO of Utah-based genealogy company Ancestry.com. “I was like, ‘The lads are more likely to have descended from Tarzan.’”

Over time, Sullivan’s suspicion grew and became so unbearable that it culminated into a three-year investigation of the Wolves’ origins. The first two years were spent tracking down the Weaver brothers’ mysterious treehouse – said to contain an attic quasar and a basement galaxy – using Ptolemaic constellation maps borrowed from the Provo City Library. The final year was spent climbing to the peak of every giant sequoia in California’s Yosemite National Park in an attempt to nail down the Wolves’ exact location.

Sullivan’s patience and perseverance was rewarded just before he reached the peak of the last sequoia he climbed. Near the tip of the gargantuan tree, he saw an unassuming treehouse with an unreadable logo engraved on its termite-infested door.

“With that branch-like motif, it had forestcore written all over it,” said Sullivan. “One look and I knew that was my quarry.”

Sullivan then kicked down the fragile door and was taken aback at what he saw inside: two snoring Caucasian males lying on the filthy wooden floor, with empty Starbucks cups and apple pie bits strewn around them.

“Turns out they are as human as you and I,” said Sullivan with a shrug. “I didn’t even have to do a DNA test to confirm their humanity.”

Fellow giant sequoia resident Austin Lunn also confirms the Wolves’ lack of heavenly essence.

“I was living on this branch long before they perched themselves over there,” said the Panopticon frontman as he pointed at the doorless treehouse on a neighboring branch. “Every morning, I’d see them urinating outside their treehouse, trying to outdo each other by seeing who can hit more birds. What kind of angels do that?”

Despite being glad that he no longer has neighbors due to Sullivan’s tenacity, Lunn expressed annoyance at the Ancestry.com CEO’s explosive intrusion.

“I nearly completed recording my new 50-minute single when that idiot kicked down the door,” said Lunn. “He broke my concentration at around the 49-minute mark and I permanently forgot what chords came next! Now the single will be too brief. From now on, people are going to laugh at me for being a treehouse grindcore act.”

The Weaver brothers could not be reached for comment. When this reporter visited their California treehouse, it was deserted. They are believed to have moved to a neighboring giant sequoia. Lunn, however, believes the brothers have become one with the Lupus constellation.

Sullivan’s 137-page report on his investigative journey can be downloaded for free as an e-book from Apple’s iTunes store. It is also available on the Amazon Kindle.

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Punk Rocker Joel Grind Supports PETA

Joel Grind Wearing His Favorite PVC Leather Jacket. (Photo: Matthew Germain)

Joel Grind Wearing His Favorite PVC Leather Jacket (Photo: Matthew Germain)

OREGON — Radioactive punk rocker Joel Grind announced Wednesday that he now supports PETA, flaunting his brilliant lavender PVC leather jacket in the process.

The Toxic Holocaust frontman cited black metal star Daniel Eriksson – frontman of militant demon rights group Watain – as an influence. “For many years, I have been a Watain fan. I scrutinized every detail of the band right down to the condition of the bassist’s hair ends,” said the blonde 32-year-old.

“Back in June, while working backstage at a Watain gig, I noticed that Daniel had a suspiciously light-red leather jacket. While he wasn’t looking, I checked the jacket’s tag and what do you know? It’s 66.6% PVC. So I checked his favorite black leather jacket’s tag and, yes, it’s also 66.6% PVC.”

Initially surprised that Eriksson, a renowned goat farmer and pig vampire, is not using real leather, Grind confronted Eriksson after the show.

“I just grabbed Daniel by his bony shoulders and said, ‘Look man, I know your leather jackets are fake. How can you be so un-kvlt?’ And then Daniel looked me in the eye and said, ‘Boy, what makes you think black metal stars earn enough to buy real leather jackets?’ I was floored; it was the wisest thing I heard all my life.”

Since then, Grind only buys pure PVC leather jackets. He later joined PETA because he “might as well go all the way.”

Born and raised in Delaware, Grind started listening to hardcore punk and thrash metal to escape his agricultural reality and repel farm girls. Now based in Oregon, the newly minted PETA supporter plans to spend more time raising awareness about the merits of PVC leather jackets. To appeal to minority groups, his first major project will involve playing the next 666 Toxic Holocaust concerts clad in jackets of color. Reportedly, Grind will alternate between the seven rainbow colors.

According to PETA spokesman Gaahl Goroth, Grind will soon begin a Twitter campaign aimed at converting leather-wearing metal musicians to PVC supporters, too. Pictures of Grind wearing nothing but his PVC jackets while lying down in suggestive positions will be circulated and made viral through hashtags such as #SayYesToFalseLeather, #JamesHetfield and #TweetMeLikeOneOfYourFrenchGirls.

Furthermore, Grind has announced that he will picket the release of Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and Omega Ruby this November at Nintendo’s flagship store in New York City. Members of animal rights groups Earth Crisis, Cattle Decapitation, Heaven Shall Burn and Vegan Reich are expected to join him.

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Report: Varg Vikernes To Join Israeli Army

Varg Vikernes

Varg Vikernes fighting to protect the Jewish homeland of Israel? Impossible, some would say. Yet according to a source believed to be Vikernes himself, he plans to do just that.

After years of veiled Holocaust denial and general disdain for Jews, Varg has come full circle and embraced the state of Israel. According to a quote on a message board called “Odinists For Israel”, VargVikernes88 declared “For years, I have thought the state of Israel was a disgrace. Then, I thought about it and realized that I have more in common with them then most so-called Nordic peoples.”

“After all, what group better epitomizes the term “Blood and Soil” more than the Israelis?  Kibbutzes, segregation and violence against groups that “threaten” their homeland and way of life. Sign me up!”

Some speculated that the quote wasn’t actually from Varg, but from one of the thousands of Varg impersonators that inhabit the Internet. However, the avatar used by VargVikernes88 was, in fact, a picture of Varg, proving beyond a shadow of doubt that Vikernes was responsible for the posts.

In a post only hours later, VargVikernes88 clarified his earlier remarks by stating “Look, I still find people from other races disgusting and all.   But, you gotta admit, the whole Chosen People thing comes awful close to holding yourselves above other races just like a true Odinist.”

“Allowing valiant warriors who are not afraid to commit war crimes like Ariel Sharon to become leader of the nation. Taking ownership of land and displacing an entire people based on some ancient historical claim!!! What Odinist wouldn’t be deeply moved by these actions?”

“I wish our people were clever enough to imprison an entire group and shell civilian neighborhoods with rockets in order to eliminate enemies in the name of counter terrorism. But we have lost our nerve.”

“The best part is, Israel constantly trumpets its record of democracy for Israelis, all the while limiting the rights of Palestinians. Democratic Fascism! Only a great people could think of such an ingenious way to get away with anything they want.”

“I plan to immigrate there immediately and join in their struggle. Perhaps then I will get a chance to kill more innocent people.”

While only days earlier the French government fined Vikernes for making racist claims on several Internet sites, today they too have come full circle. The French government has decided to award Vikernes “The Charles de Gaulle Medal of Tolerance” reserved for people who strive to support the persecuted around the world.

According to French spokesman, Colonel Jean Mathieu, Varg’s turnaround is “an inspirational story that should prove that any racist can change their lives and become more tolerant as long as they find the right people to oppress.”

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Were Major Media Outlets Including Huffington Post Fooled By Halford/Lady Gaga Prank?

An Alleged Photograph Of Rob Halford From The Interview With The Huffington Post

An Alleged Photograph Of Rob Halford From The Interview With The Huffington Post

A Tyranny of Tradition prank might have claimed yet another series of new victims. Back on April 28th 2014, this website ran an article claiming that the new Judas Priest album, scheduled to come later this year, was a hoax. The album, of course, came out in July. Tyranny simply meant to write satire to confuse and amuse the metal loving masses.

However, this time, things might have gotten out of control.

In a recent interview with The Huffington Post Canada, Rob Halford discussed a possible duet with pop star Lady Gaga. While Halford’s love of Lady Gaga has been known for over four years, there is an eerie similarity between the Tyranny article and the Huffington Post interview conducted days earlier.

In the final paragraph of the Huffington Post article, Halford is quoted as saying, “I’ve been a huge fan of Gaga since she first burst on the scene. I just love everything that lady represents. First and foremost, her voice is extraordinary. I love her voice. She’s an accomplished musician, she plays piano really well, she’s just a great songwriter. And she’s a beacon of hope for a lot of people in the world.”

In the final paragraph of the Tyranny of Tradition article back in April, Halford is falsely quoted as saying “I’ve been her since she first burst on the scene. I just love everything that lady stands for. First and foremost, her voice is extraordinary. She’s an accomplished musician. She plays piano, oboe, zither and tambourine really well. She’s just a great songwriter. And she’s a beacon of hope for a lot of people in the world.”

The interview with Halford has been picked up by many major media sites including The CNN of Heavy Metal Blabbermouth.com. Tyranny of Tradition writer Keith Spillett has not been able to be reached for comment.

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Blue Oyster Cult Members Beat Heckler Into A Coma With Cowbell

MoreCowbell

It all started innocently enough with a Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Christopher Walken back in 2000. Since then, the Blue Oyster Cult have been besieged by swarms of people all shouting the same thing “More Cowbell”. At first, the band enjoyed all the attention. “We thought it was hysterical,” said Cult front man Eric Bloom, “we were huge Walken fans and loved the whole cowbell thing.”

As time has worn on, the sheer repetition of the same joke has taken its toll. Bloom cannot go anywhere without hearing the same joke over and over. “I go to the supermarket and am in the frozen food aisle. Some fool runs by me and yells “More Cowbell”. I go to the 10 items or less checkout line…some idiot behind the register yells “Here’s your change….More Cowbell!!!”

“It happens everywhere. I’m at my proctologist the other day and the guy keeps shouting “More Cowbell” during my exam. At funerals, people come up to me as I’m leaning over the casket and shout ‘More Cowbell’.

“We are basically this generation’s Fonzi, with everyone coming up with their thumbs up shouting ‘Ayyyyyyy!’.  It’s no wonder Henry Winkler got up on that bell tower and shot all those people.”

“Do you know how many bad Christopher Walken impersonations I’ve heard in the last month? 500 or 600, easily,” said Buck Dharma, the band’s lead guitarist. “We loved the attention at first, but people just won’t stop. The other day, somebody spray-painted “More Cowbell” on our family’s Labrador retriever!”

“Everybody wants to be part of the same joke. Everybody wants to prove they get the same stupid cultural reference. Everybody wants to be laughed at. Everybody should be covered head to toe in boils and left in the sun to rot.”

Blue-Oyster-Cult

At a concert on Tuesday night in Akron, Ohio, things got out of control. The audience began screaming “More Cowbell” at the opening act “Yah Mo B There”, a local Michael McDonald cover band. Before Blue Oyster Cult came onstage the crowd chanted “More Cowbell” for nearly an hour. During every single song, the audience howled “More Cowbell” accompanied by raucous laughter.

Bloom was progressively becoming more annoyed. “We are doing ‘Harvester of Eyes’, they kept shouting it. We are doing “Career of Evil”…same thing. “Burnin’ For You”….again and again. Endlessly. We pleaded for them to stop, but they kept going.”

One fan, Zelmo Beaty, shouted the same line in a Christopher Walken voice for the duration of the show nonstop. The band had heard enough. They decided to take action.

They leaped from the stage taking drummer Jules Radino’s cowbell, held Beaty and took turns beating him over the head for five minutes the instrument, Dharma was heard shouting “How funny is it now?!!! You want anymore cowbell?!!!!” as security wrestled the bloodied cowbell from his hand.

Beaty emerged from his coma on several occasions to rambling about how funny he thinks Jimmy Fallon is, how much he loved the Hunger Games series and how he thought Miley Cyrus’ recent actions were inappropriate.

No charges have been filed against the band by local law enforcement.

According to Akron Sheriff Will Kane, “This sort of violence is not normally tolerated in our community, but in this case, we can really understand. In America, people say the same ten things over and over again. No creativity. No originality. Just the same stupid lines ad nauseum. What The Blue Oyster Cult did was wrong, but can you really blame them?”

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George R.R. Martin To Write Lyrics To Next Necrophagist Album; New Record Expected By 3079

 new necrophagist

Game of Thrones writer George R.R. Martin and progressive death metal rock and roll band Necrophagist will be teaming up on what some are calling a “dream collaboration”. An album, featuring Martin’s lyrics and the music of Necrophagist, is in the first stages of being created. This news delighted the many fans of Martin’s books (as well as the hit HBO series based on his work) along with metal fans who have waited for years to a follow-up to 2004’s Epitaph.

The album, which the band plans to name sometime by the year 2074, is expected to be a reflection of the many progressive influences they have picked up in the 70 years between their last album and the naming of the new one. Martin, for his part, is expected to have completed the first verse for the opening track by 2098.

george rr martin necrophagist

While many fans are excited about the project, concern about the band and writer being able to hold up under the rigorous demands of the aging process have made others leery of ever seeing the project’s completion. After all, both the band and Martin will be over 1000 years old by the time the record comes out.

Luckily, science has again saved the human race from the perils of inconvenience. After years of tests on mice in a secret military lab in the foothills of Montana, a process known as partial nano-cryogination is ready for use on humans. Martin and the members of Necrophagist will be the first test subjects. They will be shrunk to three feet tall and stored in a device that resembles a mini-refrigerator.

Their body temperature will remain stable at around 56 degrees Fahrenheit. They will be brought out of their frozen coma one hour per day to work on the project. While the process will slowdown the bodies aging process to nearly a crawl, it will also limit the speed of motion of the human subjects. This is why the band could not commit to the record label’s demand of a new record by 2700.

Martin has yet to hint at the lyrical content of the album, but many industry insiders believe all the members of the band will be killed off by Martin well before the albums completion.

Still, hopes are riding high that the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren of these two talented artists will live to see this record digitally implanted into the minds of the surviving members of the human community by their robot overlords well before the year 4000.

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I Tried To Book Tipper Gore To Speak At A Heavy Metal Music Festival

Every once in a while boredom strikes and I get a weird idea to liven up my day. Yesterday, I was sitting around watching Maiden, England for the 60,000th time and it occurred to me…Why don’t I try to book Tipper Gore to speak at a heavy metal festival???

It seemed like getting in touch with her would be a difficult task, but a quick internet search brought me to the Henry Welker Booking Agency. Apparently, this agency handles everyone from Dick Cheney to Shaquille O’Neal. They also are the contact people for one Mary Elizabeth “Tipper” Gore, the woman who single-handedly tried to destroy heavy metal in the 1980s.

After being shuffled from person-to-person and listening to 10 minutes of unbearable hold music (“Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”….Twice), I finally got ahold of this smarmy ghoul named Howard Robinson (who told me I could call him “Howie”)

Tipper Gore pointing finger

Me: The promotional company I work for is putting together a special event and we’d like to book Tipper Gore to speak at it.

Howie: Sure. Sure. Well, I need to tell you that the former first lady (there was a pause where I was expected to chuckle at this)…I mean, of course, Ms. Gore usually books her speaking engagements about 6 months ahead.

Me: Perfect. I’m looking to book her towards the end of December.

Howie: And, just so you’re aware, we handle top-flight talent. Ms. Gore gets a minimum of $25,000 per speech along with travel and other expenses. Depending on what you are looking for the cost might run as high as $150,000.

Me: No problem at all. I have a sponsor who is quite willing to put the money up for a good cause like this.

Howie: Great! Well, let’s get started. What sort of an event are you looking to book Ms. Gore for?

Me: Alright. You are going to think this is kind of strange because of her anti-heavy metal stance back in the 1980s, but I’m looking to book her at a metal festival in Clearwater, Florida. The festival is called Values Fest 2014.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t your garden-variety festival. It’s one that will feature positive heavy metal bands who are using music as a platform to educate our young people about important issues like homelessness and global warming.

Howie: Uhm.. Okay…You have to understand, this is a pretty unusual request. I really have to run this by Tipper. What would you need her to do?

Me: Well, she would be speaking before a few of the headlining bands. Kind of like an emcee. She’d basically be talking about how music should be about promoting good things and not the awful, evil stuff that is out there now. I mean, things have gotten far worse since the 1980s as I’m sure you can imagine.

Howie: Sure…sure. You say you have a sponsor for this. I need to tell Ms. Gore who the sponsor is to make sure that her values are similar to the person paying the tab.

Me: He doesn’t really want me to use his name.

Howie: It’s pretty critical to the process.

Me: Okay, but this can’t go past you, myself and Tipper.

Howie: Absolutely!

Me: Donald Trump contacted me about a week ago. Apparently one of his grandkids is into a Satan worship cult thanks to listening to heavy metal and he wants to help the wipe the nation clean of the stuff. He’s putting up serious money for this but, does not, repeat, does not want his name linked to the project.

Howie: Well, she’s not a huge fan of Mr. Trump, but they are on the same page here. Because of the nature of this project we’d need about $200,000 to do this.

Me: Fine. No problem. Honestly, Trump is pretty into this idea. You could pretty much name your price.

Howie: Okay! I also need to communicate with her the names and a little bit about the bands she’d be introducing.

Me: Okay, well, it is a three-day festival. On Friday night, she’d be introducing a band called As I Lay Dying. The band name sounds pretty crazy, but I can assure you they are Christian and talk a lot about family. The name is actually a reference to a William Faulker novel about overcoming the pain of loss. They are also very interested in renewable energy.

tim-lambesis-asilaydying

Howie: Okay. I’m not sure she’ll go for that, but I certainly can ask.

Me: Stryper will also be playing that night. They were so inspired by Ms. Gore in the 1980s they started playing value-friendly metal, as we like to call it.

Howie: I’m sure she knows them and would be glad to do that.

Me: On Saturday, she’d be introducing a band known as Exodus. They’re lyrics are based on The Book of Exodus and they talk about living a Christ-centered life as well as how to deal with mental health issues like depression and pica.  Their big song is called Toxic Waltz.  It’s about individuals standing up to large corporations that spray toxins into our air.

Also, she’d be introducing a band known as Testament. Again, very spiritual. They do a lot with history, particularly the plight of disenfranchised groups like Native Americans. I could send you this song called “Trail of Tears” that I’m sure would deeply move Ms. Gore.

Testament - Return To The Apocalyptic City (1993)

Howie: Sounds reasonable. Go ahead and send me the song. Who would she be introducing on Sunday?

Me: I’ll prepare you up front, the next one is going to sound strange, but there is a band known as Rotting Christ…

Howie: Okay…wait..

Me: It’s not what you think. It’s meant to be ironic. They are talking about how people’s faith has rotted away over time and they no longer value the positive parts of the world we live in. They dedicated a whole album to denouncing the treatment of women in Afghanistan. Another of their records deals with the importance of recycling.

Howie: I really don’t know if she’ll go for that. I mean…that’s a little…well…I don’t know…

Me: Okay, let me see what I can do about that. There would be a band that plays traditional Irish music called Celtic Frost that day. Nothing controversial there.  She’ll really enjoy them.  

The headliner would be a band called Burzum. The name is Norwegian for “kindness”. Very positive band. Great message. Varg Vikernes, the fellow who writes all the music, is interested in promoting diversity and tolerance.

kristian-e2809cvarge2809d-vikernes

Howie: Well, this is a pretty intriguing proposal. Of course, I’ll have to get the specific dates, run it by her and get back to you.

Me: Great! I’m really thrilled. She’s always been a hero of mine. Thanks for your time, Howie. Have a blessed afternoon. 

Howie:  Take care.

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