Archive for category General Weirdness

Ted Nugent: “Blah, Blah…So and So…Black People…Guns!”

Ted Nugent Applying For Mensa

According to former musician and current intellectual representative of about half of the Western establishment Ted Nugent, “it’s not fair. So and so. Something about guns. Black people.”

Nugent, who currently receives 50 million times more news coverage than the millions of people who die of malaria each year, went on to announce, “Obama…snort….gurgle…..blahblahblah! Black people…guns…weapons….freedom…Obama.”

Nugent, who recently received his eleventh lobotomy, became circumspect when asked on his views about gun regulations, “Welfare….food stamps….so and so…guns….guns….more guns…founding fathers…less immigrants…freedom…second Amendement…conspiracy….black people..”

Nugent, who hasn’t ruled out a run at the Presidency in 2017, has been a vocal critic of President Obama. He sees America as “a cesspool of so and so and black people. Guns…laws…freedom…food stamps…my tax dollars…more stuff to rile up people who go to Starbucks more than 3 times a week…Second Amendment…some unintelligible remark…liberals are killing unborn potential gun owners….Obama…FEMA internment camps….”

Nugent Intelligently Discussing His Ideas In The Attempt To Stimulate A Wider, More Nuanced Conversation About The Balance Between The Rights of The Individual and The Power of The State

Nugent Intelligently Discussing His Ideas In An Attempt To Stimulate A Wider, More Nuanced Conversation About The Balance Between The Rights of The Individual and The Power of The State

Nugent, whose new book “So and So, Blah Blah, Food Stamps, and Guns: The Liberal Conspiracy to Take Away Our Rights To Do Anything We Want Whenever We Want To Because Of Obamacare, Food Stamps and The Second Amendment” is expected out in the Fall, claimed that “for me, writing is a way to something or other, so and so, black people, Montana, liberals who want terrorists to murder kittens, unborn babies, God, country, guns, rights, freedom, the Second Amendment and beer…welfare…freedom…AK-47 assault rifles…some veiled threat against the life of the President…Christian God who hates America because of Nancy Pelosi and liberals who drink craft beers…it’s not fair.”

Nugent is expected to be back in the news saying something similar by next week.  He plans on saying something similar after that.  Liberal groups across the nation plan to be enraged.

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Biohazard Forced To Write About Only Specific Parts of Brooklyn

Biohazard assembles at the most dangerous corner in Brooklyn, circa 1989

Biohazard assembles at the most dangerous corner in Brooklyn, circa 1989

In the face of ongoing gentrification, Brooklyn-based act Biohazard is now forced to qualify ongoing lyrical references to their formerly notorious hometown.

“There was a time when you could just say ‘Brooklyn!’ to invoke being a hard-ass that won’t take crap from anybody,” sighed guitarist Billy Graziadei, “but now we gotta be extra clear on which parts we’re talking about, or we’ll look like a bunch of jackasses.”

Indeed, many districts in Brooklyn have become renowned for housing some of the largest enclaves of hipsters and upwardly mobile urban youth in all of North America. The band’s depictions of blight and violence have been replaced by a proliferation of coffee bars and Urban Outfitters storefronts in areas that were previously fertile ground for Biohazard’s videos, album covers, and lyrics.

“We have a new song called ‘Back on the Streets (not Williamsburg)’, that talks about life in Brooklyn, specifically the eastern side heading towards Ozone Park,” said Graziadei, shaking his head. “It’s still pretty brutal over there, though nobody knows it because they’re shopping at their stupid thrift stores in Brooklyn Heights. We also have a scary one called ‘A Day in Bushwick’, because you know that area is still pretty hairy. Then again, I hear they recently got an American Apparel outlet. Oh my God, we’re so screwed!”

Indeed, the once-fearsome foursome from the wrong side of the tracks now finds their lyrics completely hampered with overly-specific descriptions and disclaimers of their previously forsaken borough.

I’m on the run/and I need a new gun

Talkin’ about Brooklyn – no, the other one

When you’re s— outta luck/and you don’t give a f—

And that don’t include the parts that got a Starbucks

With all the upswing of commerce and rising property values, it seems that Biohazard are among the few Brooknites who are suffering. Whenever the band plays classics like “Urban Discipline” or “Tales from the Hardside”, their harrowing portrayals of Brooklyn is often met with incredulous laughter from those who were too young to remember when the entire area was an urban death maze.

Graziadei continued, “We get people coming up to us going, ‘Are the hipsters really that dangerous?’ or ‘I guess you guys have seen some serious s— go down in those fair-trade coffee shops’. Jesus Christ.”

Ultimately, it may be the end of the line for bands that trade off the bad reputation of their hometowns. Crime rates have lowered across the nation, and city centers are being reclaimed by upwardly mobile young people and large developers.

“The entire north side is undergoing a tree-planting project,” exclaimed the increasingly agitated guitarist. “Trees! In Brooklyn? Used the be the only planting we did was putting bodies in the ground, you know what I’m saying? I can’t write about urban renewal!”

At press time, the band has announced plans to relocate to the Bronx.

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Heavy Metal Music Guitarist James Murphy Has The Power To Heal Seals!!!

James Murphy Seal Saver

Famed metal music guitarist James Murphy has a surprising new gig!!!  After years of playing music dedicated to the worship of evil in all its forms, Murphy has become a Seal Healer.  He’s currently saving the lives of hundreds of sick seals at Tampa’s famed marine mammal park SeaWorld. Murphy, who is himself a mammal, has been responsible for over 239 spiritual healings since his return from a Tibetan ashram last fall.

Murphy, who is best known for his work in Obituary, Disincarnate, Cancer, Konkhra, Testament, Agent Steel, Aggressor, Artension, Abigail Williams, Death, DAATH, Firewind, Gorguts, Malevolent Creation, Nevermore, Solstice, Vicious Rumors, Captain and Tenille, Cancer, Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels, Count Basie and His Orchestra, The Oakland Raiders, Robocop, George McGovern’s failed 1976 Presidential Campaign, the Russo-Japanese War and Broken Hope, was hired by Seaworld after he gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a Hump Back Whale named Shalamar during an August visit to the park.

After Murphy’s heroic moment, SeaWorld discovered that he was a man of uncommon abilities, able to rescue seals from certain death using a bizarre form of chanting and telepathy taught to him by famed monk and Las Vegas crooner Wayne Newton.

“James is a magician. He looks into their sad, wounded eyes and revives the spark of life within them. He is a Level 27 Cleric, a healer, a saver of seals,” said SeaWorld International President and CEO Toro Jublio.

t5yxi-funny-seal-laughing

Murphy, who was recently the recipient of this year’s Man of The Year Award from The International Ex-Seal Clubbers For Christ organization, has been quite humble about his accomplishments. “Really, saving seals is quite simple. I’d like to eventually work towards greater accomplishments like teaching advanced calculus to dolphins and instructing tuna fish on how to live happy, fulfilling lives without the need to be in water.”

Murphy plans on taking his Seal Revival show on the road this summer during his tour with the Italian disco-metal band Seventh Seal. The band will conclude each set with Murphy playing an instrumental version of Beethoven’s “Ode To Joy” while bringing a seal back from the dead. During the New York show at Madison Square Garden, he plans on reviving Stumpy, a Harbor Seal that died proudly serving his country during World War II.

Pig Destroyer plans to open for them during the North American leg of the tour.

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Kate Middleton Pregnant With Spawn of Satan; Venom Singer “Uncle Cronos” Invited To Baptism

Snake On A Plate

It looks like the pitchfork doesn’t fall far from the tree!

After weeks of speculation about why Princess Kate has been wearing a tannis root necklace and eating raw chicken, it has been revealed by source close to the Royal Family that she is pregnant with “a child whose birth will summon a new era of wars, plague and pestilence.”

The child, who apparently was conceived by the light of a full moon during a cult ritual rendezvous with a cloven-hooved beast on a vacation on the island of Mustique, will likely take over the British throne when he reaches the age of 16. British tabloids have already begun speculating that once England is controlled by Satan, they will begin to recolonize the world in order to brand The Dark Prince’s barcode on the foreheads of all humans.

Many have speculated that the cloven-hooved beast may have, in fact, been her husband Prince William. However, the British monarchy has recently moved away from the practice of inbreeding, so the possibility of William having hooves is much lower than it would have been a century ago.

When Princess Kate officially got word of her pregnancy, her first phone call was to her Uncle Cronos (Conrad Lant). Since her marriage to William, Kate has shunned her uncle who is best known for his work in the hard rock band Venom.  According to sources deep within the satanic underworld, her first words to Cronos were “Looks like our plan worked! HE shall be born! HE shall lead us! In nomine Dei nostri Satanas Luciferi, Uncle Cronos!”

In League With Satan?

In League With Satan?

The Royal Family has refused to acknowledge her relationship with the controversial metal vocalist up until today. However, Cronos has not only been invited to the baptism, but will even be allowed to dip the child’s head in the “Blood of the Elders” at the end of the service.

The “Black Mass” is tentatively scheduled for June 6th, 2015 at an undisclosed location in the Middle East. It will be attended by several heads of state, a representative of the Illuminati and will be filmed by legendary film director Roman Polanski.

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Metalhead Facebook Terrorists Across America Encouraged To Surrender To Police

The New Face of Terror

The New Face of Terror

America is in crisis. Race riots, wars raging around the world threatening our ability to buy gas for under four dollars a gallon, the tragic deaths of talented comedians…it seems to many as if this great republic is on the brink of collapse. And yet, the greatest threat to our great nation has up, until last week, gone completely unnoticed.

 

A wave of shocking, horrifying, demented, godless, communistic, bovine, twisted, fascist, macabre, demonic, ghastly, alarming, borderline anti-social heavy metal rock and roll lyrics have been posted throughout what the media is calling “the Internet”. These lyrics are passed secretly from terrorist to terrorist through socialist media websites Facebook, Twitter and Friendster.

 

Last week, James Evans, a 31-year-old potential terrorist, was arrested for posting lyrics to the Exodus song “Class Dismissed (A Hate Primer)”. Beyond simply posting the lyrics, Evans was accused of conspiring to possibly attempt to post more metal lyrics at a later date. Exodus’ new album “Music We Wrote To Inspire People To Kill Children and Babies” is expected to hit stores in October.

 

The lyrics, which may be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people who have yet to die and might actually not be in danger, are only the tip of the iceberg of this titanic problem. Apparently, from coast to coast, children as young as three are posting metal lyrics using words like “murder”, “violence”, “cannibalism”, and “buttering”.

Exodus_Exhibit

 

According to the man who had Evans arrested, Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers, heavy metal is a “gateway drug to the death of the American way of life.”

 

Not only does Smathers believe that heavy metal lyrics on the Internet can lead to mass murder and acts of unspeakable cruelty, he believes it can even go so far as to lead America’s youth into the clutches of living an alternative lifestyle.

 

“Forget about all the violence and bloodshed and death for a second. Are you aware that many male heavy metal fans are, in fact, Homo sapiens? Also, many innocent young women who have been exposed heavy metal have had their lives ruined. Why…I know of several young women who have listened to one Exodus album and immediately moved to wicked places like Greenwich Village in order to become thespians.”

 

The Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and state, federal and local police departments have encouraged all Metalhead Facebook Terrorists to turn themselves in at once and have offered limited edition 180 gram vinyl copies of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” to the first 10,000 arrested.

 

In preparation for the mass arrest and quarantine of these miscreants, the United States seized Easter Island from whoever owns it and plans on turning it into a giant island sized “tolerance facility” in order to keep the public safe from potential terrorist acts of terror by these terrorists who use terror to strike terror into the hearts of Americans.

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ISIS the Rock Band Mistaken for the Terrorist Group

gty_isis_metal_band_jc_140822_16x9_992

 

The name of the militant Islamic group ISIS is probably one of the most reviled names in the country at the moment, and that is triggering threats and hate email for a defunct post-metal rock band with the same name.

“It blows my mind that people can’t see the difference,” a representative of the band told ABC News. “I know they receive threats constantly via Facebook.”

ISIS, a band originating from Boston, Massachusetts, began playing in 1997, releasing nine albums with titles like “Panopticon” and “In the Absence of Truth.” The group moved to California before officially splitting up in 2010.

Though the band is no longer together, the ex-members are being flooded with threats from individuals who believe them to be associated with the Islamic terrorist group, which recently claimed responsibility for beheading American journalist James Foley. The group has also slaughtered Christians, Yazidis and other Muslims who aren’t members of the Sunni Islamic sect.

“It certainly caught us off guard,” Aaron Harris, the band’s drummer, told ABC News.

“Just like our fans, we’ve been watching the news in disbelief,” Harris added. “We haven’t commented on it because we haven’t been an active band since 2010, even though our music does live on. We maintain our Facebook page to keep people up-to-date on our current musical projects.”

The name of the band’s official Facebook page was changed from “ISIS” to “Isis the band,” potentially as a way to distance themselves.

Even fans are beginning to tone down their public support of ISIS the band, possibly out of fear of being mistaken for a supporter of the terrorist group.

 

(A big thank you to Sarah Figalora from ABC News for writing this article and saving me the trouble of having to write it myself)

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Incantation to Release “Backwards To Golgotha”; Entire First Album Played in Reverse

incantationIn order to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of Incantation’s seminal metal classic “Onwards To Golgotha”, the band plans to release the album entirely in reverse. This new take on an old classic gives the band an opportunity to capitalize on the recent trend of metal bands milking every remaining cent out of metal’s defiled carcass.

“Live albums, remastered album, rerecording old material…all that stuff has been done to death. Manowar has released albums where they rerecord rerecordings of recordings of old Manowar songs. Mustaine wants to charge the public 15 bucks to hear the bass a bit higher on Rust in Peace. At least we are giving the fans something that sounds relatively new,” said the band’s current bass player on the condition of anonymity.

“Then again, it’s a poorly produced death metal album. Who can really tell the difference if it’s playing backwards or forwards?”

Meanwhile, several bands have also gotten into the sucking blood from a stone business.  Metallica plans to rerelease “The Black Album” in the fall with a trained chimpanzee playing drums. Testament is currently in the planning stages of a new version of “The New Order” with Chuck Billy singing after inhaling helium from a balloon. Slayer is in talks to put out “Reign in Blood 2.0”, a recording where all Kerry King’s solos will be replaced by a chainsaw cutting through a series of oak trees.

In an attempt to reclaim their role as genre defining innovators, Incantation plans to follow this remake by moving away from their death metal roots.  The band is in the process of creating a musical comedy called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To Golgotha” about the crucifixion of Christ. Several of the musical numbers, including one featuring Jesus and a Rockettes style line of people being crucified, have already been completed.   Singer and guitarist John McEntee, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jesus, plans on playing the lead in the show.

“The integration of Stephen Sondheim style songs and showmanship should hopefully put the last nail in the coffin of heavy metal,” said McEntee in a fictional interview conducted at his home last Friday.

“I mean, folks…it’s over. Go home. Metal is in the final death spiral. We are the Roman Empire besieged by hipster Visigoths. In 10 years you’ll be spending a thousand bucks to travel to Wacken to see Attack! Attack! headline. And it’ll still be better than watching Ozzy get wheeled out on stage to screw up War Pigs for the 8 millionth time.”

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