Archive for category General Weirdness

Genredome! Two Men Enter, One Band Leaves

I have also seen children successfully surmounting the effects of an evil inheritance. That is due to purity being an inherent attribute of the soul.
Mahatma Gandhi

The Internet has become a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, a person can find a recipe for cheesy brined turkey giblets in a matter of milliseconds, on the other hand, a 4 month argument can be sustained concerning whether or not an 18 string bass is a superior weapon to a djent stick during a zombie stage diving outbreak.

Things that used to be able to be settled with a kidney punch on the playground are now sadly left in perpetual limbo in the halls of infinite Facebook wranglings and perpetual comment section meme wars. Even great tools from former civilized giants, such as the caps lock from the Greeks, and Egyptian emojis, have proven useless to resolve the age old questions that surface online. Nowhere has this been more aptly illustrated than among the ranks of self proclaimed “metal heads”. Invoke the name of a band, and inevitably, some anonymous keyboard clacker will appear and unilaterally declare, “That band isn’t even metal!!!!”

What can be done? How can balance be restored in a virtual world where brute strength takes the back seat to nimble, Gummy Bear stained digits? Enter, Genredome! In the tradition of third rate, apocalyptic movies, Genredome is a beacon of Darwinian hope in a world gone soft. The premise is simple, two contenders enter the steel, jungle gym structure and put their genre money where their mouth is. No more hiding behind pseudonyms like Moremetal1JohnBrutalCore and wearing your opponent down with blocks of unpunctuated text and all caps taunts. If you doubt the metal cred of a band, get in the dome and man up.

Genredome is still in it’s development stage and isn’t without it’s flaws. While many great battles have solved the categorical genotyping of bands such as Limp Bizkit (not metal) and Venom (definitely metal), there are times when results are skewed by unexpected variables, such as when a gym-bro shows up in a Nickleback tee and fights a lanky tanglehead in corpsepaint and spiked ankle wraps. Even in light of such a travesty, doesn’t even nature itself have its anomalies that thrive in spite of their apparent lack of tooth and claw? Consider the Alpaca, with its buck teeth and penchant for spitting on bystanders. How does such a useless creature survive in a world of seething violence and carnage? Even nature has its own Nicklebacks I’m afraid.

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Obama’s NCAA Bracket PROOVES That He Is A Secret Kenyan Marxist Terrorist

obama-crazy-eyes

(I found this article pinned to my front door this morning.  It was written by Tyranny of Tradition columnist Jonathan Winthrop.  Winthrop, founder of Conservatives Against Carbohydrates, is a former syndicated talk radio host, proud father and great American)

Over the last 7 years, while many in the media have speculated about Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s ties to Marxists terrorist groups like Boko Haram and the Democratic Party, there have been very few bits of evidence directly linking him. Because the state controls nearly all media outlets, any bit of information that might out this traitor have been kept secret or pitched down the memory hole. The Devil is both clever and cunning. And yet, somehow, irrefutable evidence of this man’s treachery is finally in our hands.

Who do we have to thank? Who are our modern day Woodfin and Bernbaum? Surprisingly, it’s the folks at ESPN.

When the President released his so-called “NCAA bracket” yesterday, there was a stunning selection made in the first round. In the 8 vs. 9 game, President Obama selected San Diego State to defeat St. John’s. At first glance, this is a relatively uncontroversial selection. St. John’s has had a poor last month, punctuated by a 37-point pummeling at the hands of Villanova. Beyond D’Angelo Harrison and Sir Dominic Pointer, scoring has been hard to come by for the Red Storm. San Diego St., meanwhile, is one of the toughest defensive squads in the country.

The Smoking Gun

The Smoking Gun!!!

Upon further examination however, the TRUTH is far more terrifying. Most college sports fans when filling out their bracket and picking a state school will use the abbreviation “St.” Michigan State is commonly abbreviated Mich. St., Arizona State goes by Arizona St. Occasionally, you might get a rare person who might not abbreviate the schools name and write out “Mississippi State”.

When you look closely at the President’s bracket, a terrible truth emerges. While he refers schools like Wichita St., NC St., Ohio St. and Iowa State using commonly accepted abbreviations or their full formal name, the way he chooses to indicate his pick of San Diego State is something straight out of The Manchurian Candidate.

President Barack HUSSEIN Obama picks S.D.S. to defeat St. John’s. Let me just let that sink in for a moment. S…..D….S….!!!!

Students of history immediately will recognize the reference. Yes…SDS. Students for a (Suppposed) Democratic Society, the 1960s radical Marxist jihadist group responsible unspeakable acts of terrorism and debauchery so unspeakable that, fearing younger readers might come across this article, I will not mention them. They eventually became an even more horrible terrorist group called The Weather Underground responsible for many terrorist acts including bombing a bathroom in the Pentagon!

Who was the leader of this group? None other than 1960s radical Bill Withers. Withers and his wife Bernadette Peters masterminded millions of attacks against the United States which crippled the government and led to the resignation of President Richard Nixon. Withers, along with Satanic jihadist Sal Alinsky, found Obama at a local Chicago methadone clinic and convinced him to run for President. The rest is history.

What does this cryptic S.D.S. reference by the President mean? The answer, I believe, is a symbolic code. An unnamed source indicated to me in a dream last night that, at some point this weekend, an army of SDS created jihadi robot Marxists will release a deadly swarm of bees into several arenas. They have been waiting years for this cue. Now that they have received it from Mr. Hussein-Obama there is no turning back. My source would not tell me exactly where and when this will happen, only that now that the cat is out of Pandora’s box, there is no going back.

Don’t believe me?  Look at the bracket!  It’s there in black and white.  It is indisputable, ironclad proof of the treason that lives in this man’s dark heart.  I call on the members of Congress that have not been bought off by the Vladimir Putin and his band of merry Islamic Bolsheviks to investigate this as soon as possible in order to prevent one of the greatest catastrophes in the history of this great nation.  Before it is too late!

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Bruce Jenner Claims Gluten Ruined His Life; Is Often Mistaken For Axl Rose

Nutritionists are calling for the FDA to reclassify gluten as a Class 4 toxin after Bruce Jenner went public with allegations that General Mills has been tampering with his DNA using the high dose GMO gluten found in Wheaties cereal.

Jenner has been the subject of a smear campaign in tabloid journals which accuse the former athlete of transitioning from a man into a female, but Tyranny sources may have uncovered evidence that Jenner is still a man in a man’s body, doing manly things. People who know of Jenner say that his new look is the culmination of 45 years of eating Wheaties and the subsequent free radicals that have inflamed his pancreas to five times it’s normal circumference.


At first, Jenner seemed to be enjoying the effects gluten was having on his physique, noting that he often was mistaken for Axl Rose in public and was repeatedly accosted by roaming bands of 40 something dudes who wanted him to autograph their knuckles, but as time wore on, so did gluten’s toll on Jenner’s health and relationships.

The Jenner residence has become a nightly stop for Malibu police ever since neighbors have begin to complain of “raucous singing at all hours of the night that sounds like Ethel Merman belting out Knock Knock Knocking On Heaven’s Door wearing weasel infested bloomers.” Kris Jenner has reached out to the public and has asked for drivers who see Bruce running down the highway with Wheaties boxes on his hands and feet to refrain from tossing gluten containing substances from their car windows and turn off any Guns ‘N’ Roses songs that might be playing.

Gluten has become a very controversial substance recently, and the Jenner tragedy has many people asking themselves if they might be at risk for gluten transmitted diseases when they enjoy all you can eat breadsticks or snack on a Pop Tart? Research has shown that consuming at least a half cup of aspartame before consuming gluten containing foods significantly reduces the chance that the sickness you die from will be gluten related. Homeopathy has also proven a good first line of defense against gluten contracted dehydration. As with all health concerns, always be sure to consult at least six or seven anonymous Internet personalities for health advice, and at a bare minimum, do not have your children vaccinated, just in case.

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Lou Pearlman’s Former Boy Band Black Sabbath Enter Their 45th Year

Pearlman In His Pre-Prison Days

Pearlman In His Pre-Prison Days

Long before famed music impresario Lou Pearlman created famed boy bands like The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, he left a more lasting and indelible impact on the world of music by creating the most famed heavy metal band in history. Black Sabbath, the brainchild of the teenage Pearlman, initially came into being as what he liked to call a “heavy boy band”. Years later, they are metal legends.

Pearlman, who is currently serving 25 years in federal prison for conspiracy and money laundering, recalls the early days of the group fondly.

“I remember thinking to myself that if I had a little bit of front money and four out-of-work British musician looking guys, I could really strike it rich. All the stuff coming out at the time seemed really dark, so I figured if I created an evil version of The Beatles it might catch on. Throw in a little satanic imagery, some hip shaking grooves and wham…bam….Magic Sam…we got ourselves a number one hit record.”

One of Pearlman's First Sabbath Pictures

One of Pearlman’s First Sabbath Pictures

Pearlman discovered the band outside of an unemployment office in Workington. He offered them 20 dollars and a warm place to sleep for the week if they’d agree to take some photos pretending to be a band called Sabbath (Pearlman later changed the name to Black Sabbath because it sounded ‘even more evil’).

There was only one problem, none of the men had ever played an instrument.

Lou, whose uncle was Ray Pearlman an IBM employee who developed a punch card computer system that wrote and played music in the late 1960s, borrowed the system and within two hours penned the entire first Black Sabbath record.

“The music sounded great, but the computer couldn’t simulate a voice that sounded right. I thought about it and realized Mick Jagger couldn’t carry a tune if it had handles on it. I just went in and asked the boys who could yell the loudest. Ozzy raised his hand. The rest is history!”

Pearlman gave Ozzy a steak and a bottle of Thunderbird wine in exchange for the vocal tracks. Pearlman edited them into the music (using the alias Rodger Bain in order to not have his fingerprints all over the band’s work) and sent it to a friend of his at a label known as Vertigo. Within a few months, the album reached number 23 on the Billboard Top 200 list.

For the band’s early years, Pearlman was pulling most of the strings. He carefully orchestrated a menacing, sinister image for the band and had them take lessons to learn their instruments in order to help heavy boy band music (later known as heavy metal) catch on. He even created a convincing back story about the members of the band being parts of earlier projects with bizarre names like Earth and The Polka Tulk Blues Band.

Boy Band Black Sabbath Today

Boy Band Black Sabbath Today

In an odd turn of events, Pearlman, who gained a reputation for allegedly scamming bands out of their just due, was himself robbed of his rightful place in the annals of heavy metal history. The band cut ties with Pearlman, who at that time was going by the name of Incognito Johnson and running a series of tanning parlors in Arizona, in 1974. His name was removed from everything associated with the band and members of Black Sabbath have claimed to have no idea who he is.

Pearlman, who is expected to be released from prison in 2029, believes that he will one day be rightfully acknowledged for his role in creating heavy metal.

“Look, I know I’ve probably done a few bad things in my life. Ponzi schemes, releasing music that was unfit to be played in Guantanamo Bay torture chambers….hell, I even stole a blimp once! But, at the end of the day, I deserve to also be remembered as the guy who brought the world the greatest boy band of all-time, Black Sabbath.”

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New Showtime Series To Document Filming of HBO Series About Dave Grohl

grohl

(article contributed by Tyranny of Tradition Correspondent Joe O’Connell)

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON DC — At the opening of the Rockumentary Hall of Fame, Dave Grohl announced today that The Foo Fighters (Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, that old dude from the Germs, a guy who plays guitar, and some other guy who plays 4-stringed guitar) would be participating in a new Showtime series that documents the making of the HBO documentary series, Sonic Highways.

Subsonic Crossroads will include cover versions of songs from Sonic Highways, featuring Grohl on ukulele, Cronos from Venom on lead bass, dancing from the surviving members of Shalamar, and Neil Peart playing percussion on the corpse of Conrad Bain.

It also contains a brand new song written in and about the city of Milwaukee entitled “Brats Eating Brats”, as an homage to Grohl’s lifelong love of the Cream City’s own BoDeans.

“We wanted to capture the experience of what it was like to capture the experience of writing and recording songs in cities all across America,” said Grohl. “Everyone knows my love of Rush and Diff’rent Strokes. Plus we successfully drugged Robert Plant and convinced him he was singing back-up vocals on a folk album by hobbits. That’s HIM on the “Brats” chorus, man – I can’t wait til he hears it for the first time! I’m really excited to breathe fresh life into something that…”, Grohl added, before trailing off mid-sentence and abandoning the interview to talk into a different documentary’s camera about how much the Descendents meant to him.

Subsonic Crossroads will be available everywhere April 19th on Record Store Day.

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Kanye West Interrupts Grammys; Announces Behemoth’s “The Satanist” Should Have Been Album of Year

beck-kanye-west Kanye West’s unending stretch of boorish behavior at award shows continued on Sunday night when he rushed the stage during the presentation of the Grammy for “Aging Hipster of The Year” to Beck. After knocking Beck’s 113-pound body to the floor and kicking the trophy out of his hand, Kanye announced, “I don’t know why you are giving an award to this scrawny, barista looking guy, but I do know this, Behemoth’s ‘The Satanist’ should have been album of the year!”

Kanye is no stranger to controversy. He has gained a reputation for interrupting televised events in order to yammer on about something or other. Back in 2003, he interrupted the National Anthem during Game 5 of the World Series, grabbing the microphone from Celine Dion and announcing that “if you are a real American, you need to stop listening to this tone-deaf grandpa grabber and pick up 10 copies of USA for MOD.”

In order to keep Americans abreast of every passing thought that drifts through his celebrity mind, Kanye has disturbed everything from an episode of “The American Bible Challenge” to a community access hunting show in Helena, Montana. PBS cooking show host Martin Yan memorably stabbed Kanye in his surgically reconstructed jaw for interrupting his “Yan Can Cook” show when he ran on the set and began loudly insisting that Yan had secretly used monosodium glutamate in many of his recipes.

Kanye’s most famous outburst came during The 2005 Concert To Alleviate The Guilt of CNN Viewers. His performance helped to generate money for hurricane survivors, but many critics were critical of his “metalicization” of a somber and important event. After his performance he was asked about the cancelation of a Mayhem concert in New Orleans days after Hurricane Katrina, Kanye famously quipped “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black metal.”

I'm Not Saying He's A Golddigger, But They Don't Remind Me Much of Heidegger

I’m Not Saying They Are Golddiggers, But They Don’t Remind Me Much of Heidegger

At a press conference after the event, Kanye heaped further praise on the Polish death metal juggernaut Behemoth. “Honestly, except for the whole idea of putting screen doors on submarines, I never really thought of the Polish as very innovative. Then, I heard ‘The Satanist’ and was like ‘Whoa!”

“They are like the Beatles of Death Metal. The death metal Andy Warhols. The number one most impactful death metal artists of their time. They liberate minds from the lyrical Apartheid of minimalist bloodlust. They are the atom to Robert Oppenheimer’s atomic. They are like a cross between Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten, Paul Newman and Martin Heidegger.”

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Mother of Unvaccinated 2-Year-Old: “Why Does My Daughter Look Like Phil Anselmo?”

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

Looks like the whole “Americans choosing not vaccinate their children crisis thing that everyone seems to be worked up about” has gone to a new level!

When a woman in Menlo Park, California showed up at a local emergency room with a nearly 6 foot tall, bearded 2-year-old with an “Unscarred” tattoo across her flabby stomach, doctors believed something might be wrong. It was then that Helen Doltberg revealed to the staff that she had not had her child vaccinated for any disease in the hopes of being more like some of the B-list, crackpot celebrities she stares blankly at on the television in her free time.

“Look, it’s a competitive world out there. How can I possibly expect to keep up with the demands of work and parenting while still trying to get my family its own reality show? The answer is…no vaccines.”

“Sure, Spumoni (Helen’s daughter) may end up with some virus that science eradicated decades ago, but it seemed just as likely that she would morph into some attention grabbing, cloven-hooved beast that television producers couldn’t ignore. We took a risk. But, we never expected anything like this.”

This would be the first reported case of Anselmo contracted in the United States since 2005. Back in 1938, Dr. Jonas Liposuct famously created a vaccine for the virus from mold that had accumulated on a 4-year-old Twinkie. Until the vaccine was created, over 20,000 Americans were infected with Anselmo on a yearly basis.

One of The Infected

Former American President Chester Arthur During a Brief Bout With Anselmo in The Year 536 BCE

The long history of Anslemo-related deaths in the United States goes back to the 1700s when Sir Jeffrey Amherst distributed blankets infected with the disease to members of the Fugawi tribe in Massachusetts killing off nearly 90 percent of them within 3 weeks. Amherst later had a town and a college named after him in honor of his great spirit of generosity and creativity.

The first recorded case of Anselmo struck a group of Taters who contracted the virus by eating chimpanzees during their voyage through one of the Italian rainforests in the 1340s. The Taters went on to attack the Italian city of Caffa in 1346, but were so overwhelmed by the virus that they gave up their siege. Still, determined to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on the residents of Caffa in order to avenge the theft of The Sacred Spud from the Tater city of Fribourg back in 1273, they became the first army to attempt the use of biological warfare.  The last remaining Tater soldiers vaulted Anselmo infected bodies over the city walls infecting the entire population of the city with the deadly virus as well as causing the city’s burgeoning thrash metal scene to adopt a more “groove-oriented” sound.

The Obama Administration was initially blamed for allowing an American to contract the disease, but claimed to have been too busy infecting dwarves with measles and rubella in their attempt to turn Disneyland into a FEMA concentration camp. Because Obama and his cabal of Kenyan communists were unavailable to be held accountable for this problem, the media has shifted its focus to blaming athletes who do not act as role models, Congressional gridlock, Craigslist, radical Islamic groups throughout the Middle East, people who receive welfare, the police, members of the rap group 2 Live Crew, Chinese toy manufacturers, puppy mill owners, and Casey Anthony.

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