Archive for category General Weirdness

David Vincent to Front Counter at McDonald’s

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Following the controversy in the ousting of Morbid Angel mainstay David Vincent, the bassist/vocalist has announced that he will immediately begin working on a new endeavor, which is fronting a counter at a local McDonald’s.

“McDonald’s is my kind of place,” said Vincent in a press release, “and I know I can really make an impact there. What that restaurant needs is star power and charisma, which is exactly what I bring to the table.”

Vincent went on to discuss how he plans to put patrons in awe with his commanding presence, whether it’s asking if they’d like to supersize their meal, or if they want any extra ketchup packets.

“Morbid Angel had a great run, but I really need to spread my wings and make something I can call my own,” said the former frontman, “I think this is my answer. I hear there’s a lot of room for advancement, and I plan to dominate this place in a few short months.”

At press time, there is no report as to whether or not Mr. Vincent is aware that living hardcore and radikult is strictly prohibited by McDonald’s corporate policy.

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Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah Eaten By Members of Heavy Metal Band Watain

Watain

Have you ever been so hungry you could eat a horse? On Sunday night, members of the black metal band Watain did just that.

At the end of an impromptu show at Wantagh, Long Island’s VFW Hall 3666, singer Erik Danielsson and the rest of the band carved up the now-legendary horse American Pharoah and consumed him raw. After the band concluded their concert and meal, they donated the remaining edible flesh of the animal to the audience of nearly one hundred formerly enlisted soldiers who served our country with honor during The Korean War and World War 2.

The thoroughbred’s owner Ahmed Zayat, who himself plays in a Megadeth cover band called Hoof in Mouth, is a huge fan of heavy metal and Watain in particular. He demanded that trainer Bob Baffert play Watain’s seminal metal song “Reaping Death” for at least an hour during each of Pharoah’s workouts in order to inspire the horse to greatness. Zayat’s love for the band is so great, that he gave up the hundreds of millions of dollars in stud fees that the horse was bound to command in order to “feed Satan’s Hunger” and pay tribute to his heroes.

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Many parts of a horse are not consumable by human beings. In an attempt to be environmentally conscious by not wasting unused horse parts, the band threw many of the animal’s organs into the mosh pit of elderly servicemen during their show. Later in the evening, in a prank inspired by Francis Ford Coppola’s seminal film “The Godfather”, they broke into the nearby summer home of Slayer guitarist Kerry King and placed the beast’s head in bed next to him.

While eating a raw horse is rare among metal bands, involvement in the sport of horse racing is certainly not unprecedented among some of the genre’s legendary figures. Former Samhain vocalist Glenn Danzig is believed to have sired several horses that have run in past Triple Crown events including 2007 Kentucky Derby runner up Twist of Cain and 2011 Preakness winner Her Black Wings.

Metal has also seen its share of horse racing controversy. Texas gore metallers Devourment were briefly detained by police back in 2003 when they were thought to have stolen and consumed the body of diminutive jockey Willie Shoemaker. Shoemaker’s remains were found safely weeks later in a basement in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

The question on everyone’s mind after the evening’s festivities was just how did the horse taste? According to Danielsson, “Kind of like baby.”

Watain American Pharaoh

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Chief Keef Set To Release Chuck Schuldiner Hip Hop Tribute Record Titled “Trappin’ Da Corner”

ChiefKeef

Heavy metal artists and fans alike consider death frontman Chuck Schuldiner as the most significant force in the genre that came to be known as “Death Metal”. From the sheer brutality of “Scream Bloody Gore” to the technical wizardry of “Symbolic”, Schuldiner constantly took metal in directions it had never been before. However, what few headbangers realize is that Schuldiner is a legend of equal or even greater status in the Southern hip-hop scene.

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Rapper Juicy J, seen wearing a 1991 era Spiritual Healing tour shirt in the video for his song “That What A Pimp Does”, recently recalled how Death’s music was a major influence on his decision to begin his musical career with several of his friends.

“Paul (DJ Paul), Richard (Lord Infamous) and I were sitting around discussing the merits of Keynesian economics. Richard was really into the whole Austrian, invisible hand scene at the time and was going on and on about methodological individualism. Now, Paul and myself were strictly Frankfurt School guys and had been reading heavy amounts of Marcuse and Horkheimer at the time, so we weren’t hearing it. As you an probably imagine, things were starting to get heated.”

“Anyway, we had on Death ‘Leprosy’ in the background and the song ‘Pull The Plug’ came on. The whole conversation stopped and we were mesmerized. A week later, we started Three 6 Mafia.”

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According to Paste magazine editor Atticus Flinch, Three 6 Mafia is hardly the only rap group that was inspired by Death. “It’s hard to not hear a little bit of Schuldiner’s work on nearly every record that’s come out of the so-called “Dirty South” over the past twenty some odd years. Be it the 808 kick drums, the auto-tune vocals, the gritty, nihilistic lyrics about the everyday struggles associated with urban life or the frantically-paced, melodic guitar solos. Pick up anything from Waka Flaka Flame to Souljah Boy and you’ll see Schuldiner’s fingerprints all over it.”

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The tribute record was put together by Chicago based rapper Chief Keef, but will feature some of the top names in hip hop as guest artists including the man some have taken to calling “Evil Chuck Jr.”, producing icon Shawty Redd. Shawty, whose name in real life is Preternatural Transmogrifyer, was 10 years old when “Individual Thought Patterns” first came out.

“I remember asking my parents over and over again to take me to the store to buy that album. At the time, I was deeply interested in gardening. I used to play ‘Cosmic Sea’ off of ‘Human’ to my begonias at night to help them grow. I remember running into my bedroom when we got back from Sam Goody and hearing that crazy opening from ‘Overactive Imagination’ and knowing, at that moment, the true meaning of love.”

“Trappin’ Da Corner” is due to drop on June 12th. If you see it on the floor, please pick it up and place it back on the shelf or, better, find a customer service person to help you find the correct place to put it.

chuck

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PETITION – Free the Wolves in the Throne Room!

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Nothing is crueler than keeping animals in captivity for human entertainment. Do your part today and help free these poor wolves that have been imprisoned in the throne room for 13 years now.

Panting wolves may look like they are smiling. But they are not!

Perhaps mankind’s most arrogant mistake is anthropomorphizing non-human entities. A wolf doesn’t express emotions with its facial muscles the way humans do. Just because its panting expression shapes its mouth in a way that resembles a human smile does not mean that a panting wolf is actually happy. So even when a wolf is suffering from indigestion due to eating too many disobedient serfs for the king’s entertainment, foreign dignitaries often return to their kingdoms thinking that the wolves were enjoying themselves. This is often very far from the truth.

A captive wolf is an abducted wolf.

Would you let a stranger walk into your home, and take your child away from you to be kept captive as a slave in a circus troupe? No? Then why should wolves be treated as such? Wolves are highly intelligent social creatures that live in tight-knit packs. Visitors to the throne room often fail to see that the wolves there had to be yanked from their natural environments, snatched away from their family, held in cages, and roughly transported by plane, ship, or truck for hours on end.

Most wolves die during capture.

Around 60% of wolves die during capture, mostly from fatal wounds arising from hurled rocks, fatal indigestion due to overeating of bait, and malfunctioned Safari Balls. The capturing process is very traumatizing to these poor creatures. Imagine sleeping, only to have strangers suddenly intrude on your slumber to make you their property! Sadly, due to stress, panic and trauma, some wolves even die in the aftermath of the capture.

Transport trauma.

Wolves are magnificent predators. Their limber bodies are built for chasing quick-footed prey in the wild, such as hares. Imagine them being confined in small cages that are being loaded by the hundreds into cargo planes, ships, and trucks that travel for more than twelve hours on an average shipping day. As a result, the poor wolves get cramps and skin abrasions, which disrupt their appetite and make them more prone to skin infections.

Captivity is sensory deprivation.

Wolves in the wild are active predators that are highly dependent on sounds, sights, smells, and various other types of sensory input to hunt for food effectively. Place them in the captive environment—typically four walls in an enclosure devoid of their usual visual or auditory stimuli—and their senses grow dull overtime due to a lack of stimulation. There’s hardly anything for wolves to do in the throne room other than to prowl around aimlessly, gnaw on some leftover serf bones, poop on the red carpet, and play catch with foreign dignitaries. The worst part is that they don’t even hunt anymore; they simply await low quality, unwilling human food to appear before them.

Unnatural life.

No wild animal should be living in manmade environments. Wolves are natural creatures that should be living in a natural setting. The physical complexity of a forest, and the four seasons can never be duplicated in captivity. Feeding patterns and mating behaviours are even drastically altered during captivity, thus reducing wolves in the throne room to confused shadows of their former selves.

Suicidal tendencies.

Confining wolves in the throne room is no different from placing a human in solitary confinement. Caged animals and humans develop similar behavioral patterns – They pace back and forth restlessly, hallucinate at the slightest sensory stimulation, and sleep much longer than usual. These are signs of neurosis induced by claustrophobia, and frustration at being unable to behave naturally or act freely. Eventually, appetite loss and self-harm may even occur as a suicide attempt.

Now that you know the plight of these wolves, leave a comment below to support our cause to free these furry, non-human persons. Once 2,500 signatures have been collected, an Internet article will be written again in an attempt to bring about monumental change in real life. Let us guilt-trip the kingdom into giving up its sadistic entertainment!

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Norwegian Black Metal Linked To Abrupt Resignation of U.S. Secretary of Defense

Photo By Marlene Velasco (Luchafur Graphics)

Photo By Marlene Velasco (Luchafur Graphics)

Washington, D.C– Pentagon has released shocking new information surrounding Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel’s abrupt and unexpected resignation. Sources state that Hagel’s resignation was due, in part, to lack of support in his classified mission to negotiate alliances with various Norse metal icons in the fight against the expanding threat of Middle Eastern terrorist groups.

At one official event, a defiant, rather Scotch-addled Hagel declared, “The only way to defeat such heinous acts of violence steeped so deeply in an extreme ideology is with counter-terror of epic proportion! The power of the quintessential warriors, whose ancient lineage of voracious brutality has been the stuff of legends! No more time can be wasted, no more innocents lost; we need to strike while the iron is hot! We absolutely MUST unleash the wrath of the Northern Darkness!”

Quoting his favorite drummer Frost (Satyricon/1349), Hagel further punctuated his position exclaiming he was, “talking about Darkness with a capital D, if you understand what I mean!” Unfortunately, no one really understood what he meant. Several of the President’s handlers believed it was meant as a racial slur towards the President and cut off Hagel’s bar tab; thus heightening tensions within the administration even further.

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Hagel’s work was met with resistance from both sides. On the Norwegian front, meetings with the enigmatic Gaahl (Gorgoroth/Godseed/Wardruna) resulted in a stalemate of awkward silence and numerous unsettling stare-downs on the part of Gaahl, when Hagel simply could not ‘ask the right questions’.

Back stateside, “Operation FROSTbite” was never able to even get off the ground due to what Hagel claimed to be nefarious actions on behalf of Homeland Security in the form of repeated denial of work visas. According to Hagel, “Homeland Security’s energy would be better spent targeting home-grown terrorists such as Nickelback fans. Unlike America, Frost is a fine-tuned machine and his blast beats should be the least of this country’s concern.”

Hagel was contacted by representatives of Immortal to aid in the mission, however Hagel felt that Abbath’s proliferation of internet ‘memes’ and numerous unsavory associations with famed internet personality Grumpy Cat would compromise the integrity of the operation.

Hagel’s final, cryptic statement, “If you can’t beat’em, burn churches with ’em. I have much grimmer pastures to pursue” led many experts to believe there was more to the story than the government had previously indicated.

Before the arrival of his replacement Ashton Carter, Hagel cleared out his office, packed up his corpse paint and headed to Europe for Bloodstock and the 2015 European festival season.  He was spotted as recently as last Wednesday wandering the streets of Oslo in the middle of night muttering Bathory lyrics under his breath and baying at the moon.

(By Kimmy Deranged, an enlightened Black Metal yogi who lives in the Rockies, drinks too much rubbing alcohol and is convinced she can talk to tortoises)

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Varg Vikernes Suspended For 4 Games By NFL For Using Deflated Murder Weapons

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The NFL has suspended Jacksonville Quislings quarterback Varg Vikernes for four games for deflating the footballs he used to beat nine French tourists to death last year.

The league called the discipline “relating to the use of underinflated footballs as tools of death and dismemberment” necessary to stop behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the league.”

Vikernes, who went on an anti-French murder rampage outside of the team’s stadium after Jacksonville’s 51-7 loss to the Houston Frotteurists in December, believed that “someone had to take a stand against their decadent lifestyle, Jewish tendencies and obsession with flaky pastries”.

While Vikernes would not deny his participation in what the media is calling #Deceasegate, he claims that the footballs used were regulation sized. According to his agent Mehlvin Goehring, “Vikernes would not willingly use undersized footballs in order to murder French people. His commitment to the proper use of regulation murder weapons is unparalleled in both the NFL and the black metal community.”

Vikernes Only Hours Before Killing Nine Frenchmen With Underinflated Footballs

Vikernes Only Hours Before Killing Nine Frenchmen With Underinflated Footballs

Sports talk radio was aflame with anti-Vikernes rhetoric today. On ESPN’s morning radio show “Mike and The Barely Coherent Mook”, host Mike Greenback opined, “You can’t just murder people with underinflated footballs. There are rules that must be followed!”

“What sort of league would we have if players just went around killing one another with weapons not approved by the NFL? What if the Bears wanted to knock Aaron Rodgers out for the playoffs and threw a toaster oven in the bathtub with him instead of using NFL approved arsenic in his coffee? Or if the New England Bartholin Glands decided to bludgeon Abbath to death with a sledgehammer instead of stabbing him multiple times in the face with a regulation sized kitchen knife? It’s a slippery slope if you’re not playing on a level playing field.”

According to ESPN afternoon host Clam Cowheart, “See if you can follow me here… it’s not the actual murders that made the NFL punish Vikernes. He murdered French people. Americans HATE the French! They changed the name of fries to Freedom Fries in this country after a group that wasn’t EVEN FROM France attacked the US.”

“No one cares about Vikernes killing some French people whether he used regulation-sized footballs or mini-footballs or waffle irons. It’s the cover up. If Vikernes had come out right away and said ‘Yeah..I killed a few Frenchmen with some underinflated footballs’ the public would have forgiven him in a second. Just like Nixon…if he had told the truth right away he would have gotten a third term. He’d probably still be President today. It’s the lie that gets you in trouble.  Has been since the beginning of time.”

Several former NFL players attempted to go on the record in support of Vikernes, but due to severe head injuries they received while participating in the sport they were incapable of uttering anything besides a few grunting, gurgling noises.

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Koch Brothers Purchase The Sun

Energy bros Corporate Friends With Benefits

Koch Industries, America’s most influential and wealthy corporate person in history, has scored a major victory for the free market today by purchasing the Sun.  Like most non productive pieces of real estate, the Sun has been a drag on the solar system for far too long, but like with any other problem in life, it’s nothing that a few billion dollars and an army of lobbyists can’t solve.

The Sun has been seen by many on the political right as a model for socialism and entrepreneurial malaise, looted by moochers and takers for its life sustaining properties with zero return for shareholders. The concept of renewable energy has known ties to Marxist Nazi ideology, and has been foisted on impressionable schoolchildren for decades via socialistic fascist propaganda efforts such as Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and Captain Planet, as well as aspartame free Pepsi and un-fracked drinking water.

Thanks to the Koch brothers America will no longer live in leftist darkness and grope through the night of solar hand outs and dependency, but will have the freedom to participate in the solar marketplace free of the influence of job killing big government.

Solar FascismSolar Fascism Destroying American Values

As they awaited for President Obama to retrieve the title deed for the Sun from the depths of the Hillary Clinton’s secret cache of 3.5″ floppy discs, the Koch brothers laid out their plan for the future of solar enterprise.  Firstly, every American will be required to sign up for Koch Care. In order for all Americans to experience the joys of energy independence, they will need to obtain the needed technology to harness it’s never ending capitalistic freedom.

Koch Care entitles citizens to roam the sun soaked streets of old time America in a variety of job creating ways, the most basic of these being the Coolie Hat. The Coolie Hat gives the wearer a means by which to gather photons in an economical manner for use throughout the day. Each hour of sunlight will be stored in a tar sand battery and will emit a generous cloud of red, white, and blue carbon dioxide to help keep winter heating costs down.

Coolie Hat (Pancreas Pump Not Included)

The second component of Koch Care is harnessing the power of liberal rage. Ever since the dawn of time, liberals have generated tremendous amounts of wasted energy in the form of rage, from Neanderthal Snorg bemoaning the killing and eating of innocent nuts and berries, to Ronald Reagan advocating Second Amendment destroying legislation in the Brady Bill, liberal anger has been a squandered natural resource. To this end, Koch Care is taking several steps to ramp up liberal rage production.

One means is to use the newly acquired Sun to burn the useless coal and oil supplies America will find itself with through operation Coal Chamber. By buying the now defunct NASA from Ted Cruz for pennies on the dollar, operation Coal Chamber will utilize the space shuttles to haul excess coal and oil to the Sun for incineration.  To optimize liberal rage production, the space shuttles will be fitted with 18 foot diameter smoke stacks to leave giant plumes of black smoke as they exit Earth’s gravity. America will once again be the envy of the world as her liberal rage storage grids burst at the seams, ready to be sold back to an unsuspecting public through programs such as Fox News and QVC.

Actual Liberal’s Head Exploding Literally 

As one would expect,Democrats are already condemning the Koch’s solar acquisition and want to impose new taxes on the wealthy to pay for a Moon sized mirror to reflect free sunlight to pale children and families working less than 5 jobs. Democratic presidential hopeful, Dewy Givemore, is proposing new legislation to build the giant mirror with a sales tax on bottled fracking water and life saving pancreas pumps. Representative Givemore has also formed a committee to study the side effects of Coolie Hats on the endangered Spotted Mugwump and the link between aspartame and blast beat deficiency in black metal fans under 12 years of age.

Post Blast Beat Deficiency Syndrome  

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