Archive for category General Weirdness

Atlanta Falcons Fire Former Suffocation Drummer Mike Smith

Smith Moments After The Team's 34-3 Loss To Carolina

Smith Moments After The Team’s 34-3 Loss To Carolina

The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.

“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album "Blood Oath" Earlier Today

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album “Blood Oath” Earlier Today

Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.

Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.

Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday's Game

Falcons Receiver Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday’s Game

Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.

“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”

“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault.  Then, he told me I was fired and hung up.  It was all very strange.”

In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”

General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.

, , , , , ,

4 Comments

Universal Studios To Break Ground On 1.3 Billion Dollar King Diamond “Them” Park Next Year

King-Diamond

In 2016, everyone’s favorite Metal Monarch is coming to the Motor City.

Universal Studios, The Ford Motor Company and The Church of Satan will spend 1.3 billion dollars to build the greatest American attraction since the creation of Disneyworld.   King Diamond’s “Them” Park is expected to bring millions of visitors from around the world all hoping for a mindless diversion from the crippling sense of sadness and terror experienced by people trapped on the dead-end thrill ride that has come to be known as “the human condition”.

The massive 490-acre amusement park will be located under downtown Detroit, Michigan. Among highlighted attractions slated to be built are eight extreme roller coasters, nine opera houses, a zoo featuring five of The King’s stock of minotaurs and a water park that will use over 666,000 gallons of tea for excited kids and parents to splash around in.

king-diamond

The park’s main focus is on the recreation of King’s stories brought to life in Broadway musical reviews. These will run 24 hours, 7 days a week in nine 5000 seat opera houses located throughout the lot.

Another major attraction will be a magnificent, centrally-located gothic carousel for children and parents to enjoy. A park cast member, playing the role of the infamous character O’Brian, will welcome families onto one of the steeds while they are whimsically whisked away to portray one of the heroic black horsemen. Then they will be encouraged to interact in the story by killing Baby Abigail.

According to former drummer Snowy Shaw, “I’ve always loved It’s A Small World, but now imagining the joy I will get by seeing my children pretend to destroy cursed artifacts, bury people alive or burn a witch at the stake brings tears to my eyes!”

“The muppet theatre is going to be fantastic!” says puppet mistress Missy La’Fey. “We’ve been working with the puppets, injecting them with harvested blood and sprinkling them with goofer dust to insure that the show’s television simulcasts will be unprecedented. It’s really what our children need now-a-days: a hellish, nightmare version of Sesame Street.”

The project is expected to employ over ten thousand out-of-work carnies and jump start the bankrupt city’s economy by creating the largest man-made themed tourist destination in the world.

King-Diamond

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan believes “Detroit is back!  We will no longer be viewed as a post-apocalyptic trailer park wasteland, but rather a home to those who appreciate demented rituals like human sacrifice and overpriced family fun.  By 2020, we expect the city to finally be in The Black.”

“With studios acquiring multi-billion dollar franchises like Star Wars, Marvel and Harry Potter, it was a no-brainer that King Diamond would be the next in line,” says Ronald Meyer, CEO of Universal Studios. “It’s a positive message to kids about supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. We finally have a fun and exciting vehicle to expose children at an early age to the social and economic benefits of devil worship.”

Early promotional events will include “Nuns Have Fun Day” where nuns get in for half price and are allowed a day long bottomless cup of “Melissa Slurpies”.  Affordable family packages that, according to the park brochure “won’t cost an arm and a leg…just a soul”, will go on sale next month.

(article contributed by former Washington Post investigative reporter Myron Dinkle)

, , ,

17 Comments

Formerly Dead Singer and Aspartame Advocate GG Allin To Head Food And Drug Administration

GG Allin:  Still Alive

In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.

Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics.  His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.

Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike.  Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.

G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.

Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.


According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.

Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.

Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.

Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate.  They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.

Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”

“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”

Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.

, , , , , , ,

1 Comment

Neill Jameson of Krieg Reconciles With Estranged Porn Star Sister

10814237_780766911964429_1857068261_n

Neill Jameson, better known as Imperial of the black metal band Krieg, has been routinely making the metal headlines over the last year. Between his collaboration with Thurston Moore on the latest Twilight album, and his statements regarding the fallout from Blake Judd, Jameson has been the focus of both accolades and controversy. However, a new development in his personal life will likely trump any of the gossip surrounding his musical output. After years of complete estrangement, the notorious frontman has finally acknowledged and reunited with his equally notorious sister, Jenna Jameson.

“For years, I didn’t want think of Jenna as family,” said the vocalist in a recent Noisey.com interview. “She left home early and never got along with my mom, so I didn’t really have any good memories of her past about the age of 8. But she and I have both been through a lot, and I’ve grown quite a bit as a person, so I think we have more common ground than we did back then.”

For her part, Ms. Jameson, who is by all accounts the most successful pornographic actress in the history of the industry, was also enthusiastic to get re-acquainted with her younger brother.

“When Neill emailed me out of the blue last month, I was so surprised and moved. I even cried a little, because it brought back so many memories. He was always a sweetheart, even when I teased him by doing stuff like rubbing my boobs in his face. I’m really proud of what he’s done with his music and how he has taken it all over the world. It just goes to show the talent that runs through this family.”

Neill admits he denied his relation to Jenna for years, particularly after she had gained celebrity status. “People would always joke about her being my sister, and I’d just laugh it off and say, ‘I wish’, but it was actually painful to think I had less of a chance of reaching out to her once she became famous.”

And the awkwardness didn’t stop there. “Just about every one of my friends was into Jenna and had her videos. I couldn’t even be in the room when they’d put them on, though I finally got some of her movies out of morbid curiosity, and even successfully utilized them after a fashion. It was clear that the person on the screen was very different than the one I grew up with, so it was easy to pretend it was someone else.”

At this point, the Jamesons are very aware of one another, and happily so. They plan to collaborate on future endeavors, with Jenna offering to model Krieg merchandise and appear on the cover of the band’s upcoming album, “A Stranger on the Screen”, which is apparently inspired by the siblings’ reconciliation. Jenna may also have work for her kid brother in upcoming films she will direct for Vivid Video.

“It would be so much fun to have Neill on the set of a movie,” stated the eight time AVN award-winning actress, “he could play a pizza delivery guy or a plumber or something like that. If he shows some aptitude for the work like I did, we might have a new adult film star on our hands!”

Leave a comment

FRAUD AT THE POLLS: Piledriver Frontman Gord Kirchin Robbed In Nebraska Mayoral Race

Piley Expressing His Displeasure At Yesterday's Election Outcome

Piley Expressing His Displeasure At The Outcome of Yesterday’s Election

In an upset reminiscent of the famous 1948 Dewey/Truman Presidential Election, Democrat Harry S. Truman, who recently had been polling 112 percentage points behind Piledriver vocalist Gord “Piley” Kirchin, emerged victorious in the hotly contested race for Mayor of Nebraska. However, many of Kirchin’s supporters are crying foul.

While Metalheads comprise 68 percent of Nebraska’s population, a record low of 3 percent actually voted. Why such a low turnout? Many point to voting irregularities, reports of widespread voter intimidation and outright fraud.

Polling places throughout Lincoln, Nebraska, a hotbed of heavy metal and Islamic radicalism, were closed due to violence and rioting caused by Truman’s shock troops attacking anyone wearing Piledriver tee shirts or barbed wire hats. Truman himself was seen in Omaha beating several longhaired Piledriver fans with a baseball bat on Maple Street in downtown Omaha.

Twerk That Soljah Boy

Twerk Dat Souljah Boy

One tactic used by Truman’s Thugs to disenfranchise Metalheads was blaring Mariah Carey and Garth Brooks songs at locations where balloting was taking place. The music forced many Metalheads, anxious to vote for Kirchin, to run away screaming before they were able to vote.

Police officers were spotted at several polling places giving tickets to any automobile with a Cannibal Corpse or Hirax bumper sticker on the back. Metalheads throughout the state were detained by cops because they “fit the description” of famed Nebraskan mass murderer Charlie Starkweather, who died in 1959.

Nebraska’s new “Stop and Frisk” policy netted the arrest of over 500 Metalheads outside of voting areas for carrying bootlegged tapes of Metallica’s Live From Antarctica “Trapped Over Ice” concert.

A Metal Voter Who Turned Away At The Polls For "Looking Weird"

A Metal Voter Who Turned Away At The Polls For “Looking Weird”

Truman supporters throughout the state used a new tactic called “robovoting” in order to garner more votes for the candidate. Robovoting takes place when a special device is implanted in voting machines causing it to cast thousands of votes for one candidate. In the small town of Ord, Nebraska, a mysterious voter named Luke Bryan cast over 100,000 votes for Truman. The town only has 2,000 residents.

Outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered an investigation into illegal voting practices in the state that will “rival the speed and potency of the crackdown on Wall Street after the 2008 financial meltdown”. The Justice Department will announce indictments of anyone involved in obstructing the democratic process in Nebraska no later than 2056.

Piley has already announced that he will not contest the results of the election. Instead, he intends on forging ahead with his political career. A press conference/pig roast is scheduled for later today where he is expected to announce his plans to run for Prime Minister of Hawaii in 2015.

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment

Media Slams Tyranny of Tradition For Linking Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin To ISIS

The Next Mayor of Nebraska???

Ole Piley…The Next Mayor of Nebraska???

A media firestorm is swirling surrounding Tyranny of Tradition writer Keith Spillett’s October 31st article on Exalted Piledriver Frontman and Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin. In the article, Spillett alleged that Kirchin “hinted that he would consider allowing ISIS to take control of parts of Lincoln, Nebraska and impose Sharia Law.”

Trusted news sources from Fox News’ anchor Megyn Kelly to Alex Jones have chided Spillett for irresponsibly stoking the American public’s fear of foreigners by reporting false information in an attempt to increase readership.

Spillett, who revealed this weekend that his source was a 7-year-old Trick or Treater dressed as an ISIS member, still stands by his article claiming that “whether the information is true or not, it was told to me by someone who might have had something to do with the situation, therefore, it is accurate.”

Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett

Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett

Kirchin’s campaign manager Elizabeth Borden read a statement on Sunday morning vehemently denying that he would turn Lincoln into a bastion of Islamic radicalism.

“The Metal Inquisition is in no way associated, nor does it condone anything ISIS does besides the beheadings, and even then, only with professionally calibrated and registered Robespierre Industries Drop N’ Chop 2000© guillotines, even then only to be used on posers, wannabe’s and corporate lobbyists.”

“While ISIS could possibly generate a decent noise-core record or two, Sharia Law is pretty damned stupid and should be viewed as low and offensive as Nickelback’s last three albums, any two ‘songs’ by Drake, or any single millisecond of Justin Bieber’s total recorded output, and is to be shunned, reviled, and vilified as such.”

Meanwhile, Kirchin’s campaign has been emboldened by the scandal. Many Nebraskan’s who were initially put off by “Ole Piley’s” threat to make the “streets of Nebraska run red with the blood of those who betray the sacred cause of heavy metal” have begun to see him as a sympathetic figure.

“We kinda thought he was a bit, well, mentally disturbed when he started running. With that headpiece with all the spikes and all. Come to find out Ole Piley is a nice fella. And he’s against Sharia Law, so he’s alright by me,” said Merv Cunningham, a farmer and voter from McCook.

A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls

A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls

A recent Gallup/CNN/Albert Speer Poll has Kirchin leading Nebraska Mayoral Incumbent Ben Roberts 61-57, with 7 percent of Nebraskans favoring former President Harry S. Truman. With the election on Tuesday and his numbers trending in the right direction, mayonnaise may end up being the new democracy.

, , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment

Bizarre Candidacy of Piledriver Frontman Gord Kirchin For Mayor Of Nebraska Picking Up Steam

The New Face Of Politics In Nebraska???

The New Face Of Politics In Nebraska???

In the 1950s, no one would have ever guessed a second-tier actor best known for his work in a comedy starring a chimpanzee would go on to become President of the United States. Today, Ronald Reagan is better known as the former leader of the free world, not the stiff-lipped straight man from “Bedtime For Bonzo”.

Over the last 30 years, American politics has featured many such surreal stories of actors, musicians and even professional wrestlers becoming elected officials. This story, however, may turn out to be the most bizarre.

In 1984, Gord “Piley” Kirchin became a cult hero when he started the outlandish thrash band Piledriver. Known for their fast-paced songs and highly offensive song titles, the band carved its way into infamy as underground metal legends. Their best-known album “Metal Inquisition” was even mentioned in the famed PMRC report on heavy metal as “a disgusting, disgraceful, vile collection of songs that violate all basic standards of common decency, morality and even hygiene.”

Who could have possibly predicted that 30 years later, Kirchin would be the leading candidate in the hotly contested race for the Mayor of Nebraska?

Kirchin Openly Mocking Former Nebraska Mayor Ben Roberts At A Town Hall Meeting This Fall

Kirchin Openly Mocking Former Nebraska Mayor Ben Roberts At A Town Hall Meeting This Fall

In a recent Gallup Poll of voters in the State of Nebraska, 52 percent favored Kirchin, a Canadian born Independent who maintains a summer residence in Nebraska, as their next mayor.

“It’s unfathomable. The man has incited audiences around the world to commit sins that would make Jeffrey Dahmer blush…and now some Nebraskans want to make this human garbage pit mayor?? Personally, I find the entire thing shocking,” said Ben Roberts, the Democratic incumbent who trails Kirchin by 7 points in the poll.

An even more curious aspect of Kirchin’s campaign is that he has absolutely no opinion on any issue related to governing the state. He considers himself a “Reciprocrat” who eschews any connection with the major political parties, which he considers “the real profanity in America today”.

His campaign slogan, which is emblazoned across the state on bumper stickers and several billboards, is the cryptic but oddly poetic expression “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”

Kirchin in 2014

Kirchin’s grassroots campaign has seized upon a general feeling of distrust for government. He has refused to debate or even speak to any of the other candidates (aside from a brief appearance at a Town Hall meeting in September where he made offensive remarks about Roberts’ mother having intercourse with a walrus).

In the one press conference he gave, he stood on stage for 90 minutes fielding questions ranging from gun control to tax reform to abortion to terrorism by simply repeating the phrase “We are the Metal Inquisition, we sentence you to DEATH by guillotine.”

In spite of his silence on the issues, Kirchin’s band has actively supported the America’s fighting forces overseas by dedicating songs to them and donating albums, the self-styled “frost-backed Canadian-American Patriot”. However, he has also hinted that he would consider allowing ISIS to take control of parts of Lincoln, Nebraska and impose sharia law.

His campaign has illustrated that a state that prides itself on traditional family values would consider voting for anyone, even a person who once wrote a song about having carnal relations with Satan, over a politician.

The election takes place this Tuesday. Kirchin has promised the voters he will perform a human sacrifice on the steps of the State Capital the day he takes office. He might just get that chance.

Kirchin During His Highly Controversial Interview With Fox News Last Month

Kirchin During His Highly Controversial Interview With Fox News Last Month

, , , ,

3 Comments

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,693 other followers

%d bloggers like this: