Archive | General Weirdness RSS for this section

Glen Benton: Activist or Anti-Christ?

Glen Benton Christmas Sweater

Some of the people we view as great Americans have spent the better part of their lives being derided and defamed, only to later be discovered as incredible human beings.  Harry Truman was a wildly unpopular President who was viewed as incompetent by many in the press.  Today, he is viewed as one of the great Presidents of the modern era.  Muhammad Ali was once believed to be a draft dodging, loud mouth braggart who was disgracing the sport of boxing and America itself. When the “Sportsman of The Century” lit the Olympic torch in 1996 in Atlanta, there was almost no mention of that.

There are some people just like this in our world today.  One such man inhabits the world of heavy metal.  This local hero, defender of humanity, and social activist has sat quietly in the face of persecution for many years. That man is Deicide vocalist Glen Benton.

Most of Glen’s early works, much like those of Henry David Thoreau, focus on the abuses committed by the dominant religious system in America.  In a world racked by grief and suffering, Benton posed questions like “How can you call yourself a God?”  He also passionately revealed the mistreatment of God’s followers in his work with potent lines like “God is the reason we live in dismay, it is his will that this world is suffering”. After this intense period of anti-religious activism, Benton was directed by his own ethical compass inward to a more gentle period of his life.

Benton, Bunnies and Babies
Thus began his “furry adoption phase”. He began by adopting a few baby bunnies. The more bunnies he adopted, the bigger his heart swelled. At one time, the Benton house was home to over 300 baby bunnies.  He adopted many other animals included wounded llamas, lemurs and aardvarks, but it was the bunnies that he forged the deepest connection with.  This led to the most musically awkward phase of Benton’s career.

In 1994, Deicide tried to release the album “Cute Little Bugs” which was rejected by the record label and later re-recorded the next year with different lyrics as “Once Upon The Cross”.  The looming threat of commercial failure in the midst of soaring rabbit food costs was a wake-up call to Benton. He got back on the anti-God musical bandwagon in order to continue to support the incredible collection of animals who relied on him for sustenance.

The next major event in Benton’s life is still shocking to many. On a gloomy late December morning, he received a knock on his door.   When he opened it he found a young orphan left in a basket on his doorstep with a note that read simply “Jesus”. Benton, who could have easily eaten or sold the baby, instead committed the next years of his life to raising him, feeding him out of a bottle, and even going so far as to suckle him from his own teat. As he grew older, Jesus began eating sugary cereal, watching cartoons, and collecting Pokemon cards. In those days they were one big happy family- Benton, Jesus, and all 300 of the cuddly bunnies. He recalls that Jesus was just like any other normal kid, and that he often left crayons in his pockets which would melt in the wash.

Benton and Jesus
The mixing of Jesus and the bunnies under one roof is how our modern Easter tradition came about. We can all thank Glen Benton for that. However, when Mary and God, the child’s rightful parents, returned to claim him, Benton lost a bitter custody battle and had to say good-bye to young Jesus.

Years later, Jesus was arrested and crucified by the Roman authorities for shoplifting.  He still blames God for allowing the death of his young friend.  Had young Jesus stayed in Benton’s care, the two would still be happily sitting on a couch watching episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba.  Things turned out far differently.  Still haunted by those terrible memories, Benton has spent much of the latter part of his career singing about Jesus’ unfortunate death.

This was a dark and distressing period for Benton. He sought to make a strong statement about the injustices God had committed against his once foster son. He burned an upside-down cross into his forehead as a constant reminder of the grave injustice that had been committed. This act, while viewed as completely insane by some, has earned him the occasional comparison to the Buddhist monks who set themselves in fire in protest of the South Vietnamese government in the 1960s by those who understand Benton’s commitment to social justice.

Since that time, Benton has been busy teaching a young generation not to die on crosses or listen to their idiot parents, even if they are God. He has constantly been portrayed in as negative light by the media, having been called the everything from a terrible influence on America’s youth to the Antichrist. The truth is, Benton an activist in the mold of Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Sean Penn.  More than anything, Glen needs our love and understanding. Compassion for The Caco-Daemon is a non-profit group that has been started to collect letters of support and affection for Glen and his important cause.  They are currently accepting handwritten cards (preferably in crayon) to encourage Benton to continue his fight.

Cards can be mailed to:

Compassion For The Caco-Daemon
PO Box 2204
Gresham, OR 97030

Mott The Hoople Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame For Seventh Time

Mott The Hoople

English rockers Mott The Hoople headline a star-studded cast of bands that will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in a ceremony to be held in Cleveland on April 10th.  Best known for their rock classic “All The Young Dudes” and some other songs, Mott The Hoople are a band that, according to Rolling Stone reporter Ralph Dullard, “changed the landscape of modern music”.  They have been so influential that the Hall has decided to induct them again, even though they have performed this same ritual on six previous occasions.

Mott The Hoople are not the only legends to be going into the Hall.  Several big time acts including England Dan and John Ford Coley, Right Said Fred, Joey Lawrence, Van McCoy, Spandau Ballet, Quarterflash and The Georgia Satellites round out the list of performers being inducted.  Several key figures in the industry will also be enshrined including Mark Jameson, Mick Jagger’s longtime gardener, Stone Billingsley, Keith Moon’s drum tech during the Quadrophenia tour, and Arnold Weisman, the record executive who tricked Miles Davis into signing a lifetime contract that deprived him of most of the royalties from his music.

One name that was not on the list are heavy metal legends Iron Maiden.  Their had been a campaign among many metalheads to get the band inducted this time around, but the Hall felt that the band was simply not significant enough to make it.  “Look, I know a few people really love Iron Maiden and they are a talented group, but we can’t induct a band based on one well-known song.  In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is fantastic, but really, what else have they done?” said Joel Peresman, President and CEO of the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame Foundation.

Iron+Maiden+Band+lineup+1985

In spite of the passion of their fans, Iron Maiden wasn’t even the closest runner-up among the Hall’s voters.  They finished well behind .38 Special, Sir Mix-A lot, The Strawberry Alarm Clock, Lou Christie, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Detroit Tigers pitcher Jack Morris.

The ceremony, which will be attended by some of the best-known arrhythmic, tone deaf, middle-aged hacks in the industry, will be broadcast on HBO about 46 times in April and May.

Tom Araya Hints At Retirement In New Slayer Songs

1470641_620071684700620_920774342_n

LOS ANGELES – Kerry King aired his frustration about the lyrical direction of the next Slayer album in an interview on the Fuse Network today, stating that frontman Tom Araya won’t stop submitting song lyrics about retirement.

“Tom keeps writing all these lyrics that at first seemed weird and dark,” said the famously grumpy guitarist, “but now I’m not really sure what he’s really trying to say.”

“This early one, ‘The Final Sleep’, sounded cool and promising,” he continued, “but then he started handing in stuff that started getting way off-base.”

As King leafed through the stack of material, songs with titles like ‘The Charade is Over’, ‘End of the Line’, ‘How Much is Enough’, and ‘Let Me Rest’, were all visible, and the condition of the pages became visibly more ragged as newer entries were examined. Finally he arrived at the most recent submission, which was simply a cocktail napkin with the word ‘STOP’ written across it in black magic marker.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” asked King as he held up the napkin, “and look at this one – ’401K’? What the hell? I originally thought it was another serial killer reference, but now I’m not so sure.”

Araya and the late Jeff Hanneman were known for collaborating on some of the band’s most memorable lyrics, and many fans had already voiced concern about Slayer’s direction in the wake of Hanneman’s passing.

When asked about the outcome of the next album, the lead axeman remained confident, stating, “I have written plenty of lyrics for Slayer, so it’s not like I can’t handle this myself. Tom’s welcome to contribute, but he’s going to have to give me something better than songs about driving an RV, fishing, or spending time with family.”

Tom Araya could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly at home and watching television while stretched out on the couch.

CIA Confirms Jon Bon Jovi Was A Spy For The Soviet Union Until 2012

Jon Bon Jovi Communist

In a stunning announcement, several top CIA officials today verified Monday’s New York Times story that claimed that former Bon Jovi singer Jon Bon Jovi was a spy for the KGB from 1983 until 2012.  The Soviet Union, as well as the famous heavy metal singer, have denied these charges but several highly placed sources within The Agency have confirmed that Bon Jovi used several of his albums to leak highly classified documents to “The Evil Empire”.

The most shocking charge was that Bon Jovi aided the Soviets in a failed 1986 plot to kidnap former President Ronald Reagan.  According to a source within the agency, the song “Wanted Dead or Alive” was actually written in a code that was meant to give secret information as to the whereabouts of Reagan during his trip to Berlin in July of that year.

The verse “I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride”, is actually meant to indicate that Reagan (who the Soviets codenamed “The Cowboy”) would be aboard Air Force One (the “steel horse”).  Later in the song, Bon Jovi states “I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all”.  The letters to this incredibly asinine lyric actually correlate with a 1980s era KGB code that gave the time and date that Reagan would be flying over Spain.  At that point, the Soviets were planning to intercept the aircraft using several skydivers who would plummet from a secret Russian space platform, land on top of the plane, board it at gunpoint and hold Reagan hostage until he agreed to give the Soviets control of the entire United States nuclear stockpile.  The Soviets eventually cancelled this plan fearing it was too risky.

Bon Jovi’s spy activities did not stop after the Soviet Union’s fake collapse in the late 1980s and early 90s.  He helped plant information in the media that helped convince most Americans that the Berlin Wall had fallen and that the Russians had abandoned communism.

It was on his secret visit to Russia in 1997 for a “concert” that he met another Soviet spy equally committed to the fall of the United States.  This agent would eventually become one of the most powerful figures in America.  His name is Barack Hussein Obama.

While Obama, a former member of the American terrorist group known as the Weather Underground, urged the Soviets to use violence in order to overthrow the government of The Greatest Nation on Earth, it was Bon Jovi who proposed a much more gradual approach.  He felt that the America could be slowly destroyed from the inside by electing communist agents into positions of power.  These officials, after gaining the trust of the American people, would introduce legislation designed to turn the United States into a communist dictatorship.  The cornerstone of this plot was to introduce a sinister program later to be known simply as Obamacare.

Bon Jovi finally dissolved his connection to the KGB in 2012 when he caught the original version of the movie “Red Dawn” on television late one fateful night.  He was so deeply moved by the courage of the brave young “Wolverines” who defeated the Russian Army that he decided it was time to come clean.    He immediately revealed his crimes and, in exchange for playing a series of fundraisers for the Democratic Party during the 2012 election, was secretly pardoned by his former comrade, President Barack Hussein Obama.

Trey Azagthoth Now Identifies As A Brony

1483654_616743195033469_530345388_nMorbid Angel guitarist Trey Azagthoth has revealed himself as a brony, according to a recent interview in Revolver. When queried about his colorful new tattoos, the eccentric axeman replied, “I’ve been into Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and all kinds of anime for years, but this new My Little Pony series is the greatest thing ever. I’m totally a brony now, and proud of it!”

A brony is an adult male who has a visible preoccupation with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, an animated show intended for girls ages 3-8. Azagthoth has recently appeared on stage with visible tattoos themed around the show, along with related t-shirts, pendants, and stickers on his guitars. “I’m definitely a Rainbow Dash guy,” he enthused, “but Fluttershy is a close second. I plan to cover both my arms with the two of them, so I’m glad I got rid of that silly inverted cross tattoo when I did!”

Azagthoth went on to explain how he plans to color coordinate his guitars with his favorite ponies, and he intimated that fans shouldn’t be surprised if pony-related themes appear on the next Morbid Angel record. The most eyebrow-raising revelation, however, was his plan to change his famous stage name.

“From now on, I’ll be known as Trey Azagclop,” he said, “but don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t actually do that. I watch the show for the plot.”

“Clopping” is a slang term among the brony community, which refers to abusing one’s self to the pony characters on the show. As for the expected response from his fan base, the newly-dubbed Azagclop seemed unworried.

“I really don’t think this will be a problem,” he mused, “Morbid Angel fans have always been open-minded. The last four albums are about nothing but Tony Robbins and Castlevania, and everyone seemed to be fine with it. David [Vincent, frontman of the band] is in full support of my choice, and I’ve even gotten him to watch the show with me a few times. I think he’s got a thing for Pinkie Pie, if you ask me.”

Morbid Angel is currently on their 20th Anniversary Covenant tour across North America.

Protests Erupt As Pantera Singer Announces Same-Sex Reunion Tour

Pantera

Fourteen activists were arrested yesterday afternoon in Muskogee, Oklahoma during a rally to protest Pantera’s plans for a series of heavy metal same-sex reunion concerts. The protestors were enraged by comments made by singer Phil Anselmo during a press conference last week.  The controversial singer announced an eleven state arena tour in which all members of the band on stage would be male (including a yet to be named male guitarist who will fill-in for Dimebag Darrell).

The “Far Beyond Homogeneity Tour” will feature the members of the band in tight tee shirts and jeans dancing provocatively while playing songs like “Domination”, “5 Minutes Alone” and even “Hard Ride” from the oft-forgotten Power Metal album.  The tour will be supported by metal legends Sodom.

The announcement sent religious groups into an immediate furor. Anthony Perkins, President of The Family Research Council and star of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror film “Psycho”, was particularly appalled by the announcement.  “Four men, writhing and squirming on stage in the unholy bonds of a heavy metal performance is not what God intended.  It’s perverse.  Metal should be between a man and a woman.”

Same-sex metal performances are illegal in 39 of 50 states.  A few states like California and Iowa have recently passed ballot initiatives to allow these sorts of gatherings, while other states have grown more restrictive.  Recently, Mississippi outlawed same-sex water fountains while Alabama has gotten rid of same-sex bathrooms. Georgia has gone so far as to decree that men cannot use the same hairbrush or eat from the same buffet at Golden Corral.  The Kentucky State Legislature is currently considering a bill that would restrict same-sex consumption of funnel cake.

While some states have adopted radical stances against same-sex metal, others like Nevada have taken a more cautious approach favoring “don’t ask, don’t tell” legislation that does not require bands to disclose the gender of the band’s members.  Many politicians within the state, including gubernatorial candidate Ernest Rohm, believe that same-sex metal is fine as long as bands don’t go “waving their gender all over the place.”

In an October interview with Billy Graham’s Witchhunt Magazine, Rohm went so far as to claim he likes some heavy metal, has a few same-sex heavy metal friends and once employed a gardener who loved metal.  “Honestly, with all that long hair, you can’t really tell, in most cases at least, the gender of metal musicians.  I mean, Bon Jovi was my favorite band in the world until I realized Richie Sambora was a man.”

Metal Band Name Reserve To Be Completely Depleted By 2014 Says Department of Interior

metal band names

The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted.  America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2014.

“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”

Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation.  There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone.  The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”

Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.

“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”

As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.

Emperor Reuniting to Record Twerkcore Versions of Classic Songs

Emperor in 1994

Emperor in 1994

Emperor Today

Emperor Today

It’s the reunion album that every black metal fan has been waiting for since 2001.  Emperor was a band that forever changed the landscape of heavy metal music with their raw, earthy production, crushing riffs and high-pitched, guttural caterwauling.   Now, they are back to reinvent the genre that they helped to create.

In a press released issued this morning from their mountain chateau outside of Trondheim, the band announced plans to release “Anthemz 2 Dat Welkin at Dusk”.  The album, which is expected to come out late next year, will blend demonic black metal with the high energy, repetitious, vapid mainstream hip-hop that so many Americans have grown to love.  The album will feature several re-recordings of earlier classic hits including “I Iz Dat Blak Wizardz” and “Dus Spoke Dem Nightspiritz”.  Emperor also plans to cover “Whistle While U Twurk” by the Ying Yang Twins and “Donkey Butt” by 12 Gauge.  Guests on the album will include Rick Ross, Silkk The Shocker, Mystikal and Dhavie Vanity from Blood on The Dance Floor.

The album will be produced by hip hop legend Luther Campbell, best known for his work in legendary group 2 Live Crew and winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 1998 for his 90 day hunger strike to protest Myanmar’s imprisonment of political dissident Aung San Suu Kyi.  When asked what this new record is going to sound like, Campbell commented “imagine Emperor made a party album in The Dirty South back in 1991.  Think goths in bikinis shakin’ that thang.”

Many metalheads are excited about the band taking risks and doing something unique.  Heavy metal fans are a tolerant bunch of people extremely supportive of their favorite bands when they take a new approach to their music, as was the case when Morbid Angel released their 2011 smash hit album “Illud Divinum Insanus”.

Still, there are a few Emperor fans that have expressed confusion and disappointment at the new direction of the band.  Lead singer ‘Lil Ihsahn was quick to defend the band’s sonic experimentation.  “Peeps be like, why you not keepin’ it real? Yung Samoth and me just be like, we just tryin’ to get folks crunk.  Get dat party started.  Ya know?”

FDA Approves Use Of Arsenic To Treat “Heavy Metal Dependence”

handsYou’ve probably seen them before.  Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government.  This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench.  Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice.  But now, there is hope.

In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”.  The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.

In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder.  Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life.  “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on.  Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice.  I’m cured.”

Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency.  Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber.  However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours.  In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.

More help may be on the way next year.  The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills.  Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment.  Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.

Varg Vikernes Arrested In France On Suspicion Of Flushing Oranges Down Toilet

varg_vikernes-sol_austan_mani_vestan

In the early hours of the morning on Saturday, black metal legend and media icon Varg Vikernes was arrested by French police on suspicion of being the mastermind of a devious plot to cause mayhem in France.  Vikernes, who was staying at  L’Hotel Aisselle in Paris, purchased a bag of oranges and flushed one down the hotel’s toilet “in the name of Odin”.  The event, which led to Vikernes’ arrest and incarceration, caused him to be immediately suspended as host of the top rated Norwegian children’s television show “This Little Quisling”.

By flushing the oranges, Varg hoped to destroy the hotel’s plumbing causing untold confusion and panic in the city, eventually leading to the collapse of the French government.  In the ensuing chaos, the government would be replaced by a proto-fascist black metal dictatorship.  After the first orange was flushed, Vikernes was captured by an alert member of the hotel’s maintenance staff and detained until French police arrived.  During a 47-hour interrogation, Vikernes revealed he was planning an orange flushing spree throughout the city of Paris that would “rival the German invasion of France in the 1950’s”.

Vikernes is no stranger to controversy.  Back in 1992, he was arrested in Trondheim for feeding seagulls Alka-Seltzer in an attempt to cause them to explode.  During a 1993 sleepover, Varg was accused of putting warm water in Mayhem vocalist Attila Csihar’s hand in an attempt to cause him to wet his bed.  Charges in both cases were dropped for lack of evidence, but in 1994, Varg was given six months in prison for putting a whoopee cushion on the chair of Trondheim mayor Marvin Wiseth’s chair during a press conference moments before he sat down.

While in prison, Vikernes dreamed up the musical project he’d be best known for, Burzum.  Using a diabolical mixture of raw black metal and elevator music, Vikernes’ has inspired a generation of talented, potentially employable young people to pursue careers in creating poorly produced, inaudible music for almost no one.  His music, which is both deeply personal and horribly unlistenable (much like the poetry of an alienated, disaffected 6th grader), pays homage to Varg’s two greatest influences, Adolf Hitler and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The threat of oranges being flushed down the toilet is not only considered a major concern in France.  In an effort to protect Americans from dangerous orange flushing related activities, the US government today banned all oranges from domestic and international flights, wiretapped the phones of twelve Carmelite nuns in Arizona suspected of “orange-growing activities” and used drones to attack a village in Pakistan.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,246 other followers

%d bloggers like this: