The Hidden Truth Behind Obamacare: Hello Piercings, Goodbye Pancreas
From the beginning, there were a handful of voices sounding the alarm that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) would lead to rationing and the implementation of so called, “Death Panels.” Today, those fears may be closer to being realized than you think.
Buried within the 20,541 pages of Obamacare lies a hidden provision, known as the Pierce Clause. The Pierce Clause was set to go into effect if the projected number of young applicants for insurance fell below the designated threshold of 1.4 billion enrollees between the ages of 16 to 26 years old. Since the disastrous rollout of the Healthcare.gov web page and the tepid reception by American youth, enrollment in Obamacare is barely over the 19,002 mark, no where close to the 1.4 billion threshold required to make Heathcare.gov an ad free web page.
How will the Pierce Clause effect healthcare for you and your loved ones? To start with, those who are fighting the specter of Pancreatic Atrophy Syndrome (PAS) will soon find themselves looking for ways to pay for their own life saving treatments. PAS generally effects adult males in their 30’s to 40’s who have a history of exposure to rapid, low frequency noises, or violent abdominal jostling, such as those often found in grindcore moshpits.
In a press conference last week, retiring Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius told the press that,
People with Pancreatic Atrophy Syndrome have more alternative funding sources than ever before. Why just the other day my husband and I were at a mattress store and the sales person advised us that his company had been responsible for saving at least 324 patients with PAS. We were astounded that one store could produce such an amazing survival rate through bedding retail. We figured that there must be hundreds of mattress stores saving lives all over this nation and to continue to publicly fund such treatments was a theft of people’s hard earned tax dollars.
Modifications covered under Obamacare Pierce Clause
So, what does the Pierce Clause actually do? Well, for one thing, it gets young people excited about enrolling in a healthcare plan that will not only treat mono or genital warts, but will pay for a host of insurer covered body modifications. Again, Kathleen Sebelius shared some positive news to a curious audience.
“The Pierce Clause is more than just a gimmick to get young people to enroll at Healthcare.gov, it’s a much needed boost for the failing egos of America’s greatest resource, its children. How many of you remember being the lame kid at school who had to choose between skinny jeans or an eyebrow piercing? Today’s youth still face the obstacles of low self esteem caused by a lack of available funds for ego boosting luxuries such as a tongue bifurcation, or a rad pair of snakebite hoops. The Pierce clause is a win-win for this country, not only do unpopular kids get access to body modifications with no co-pay or deductible, but they get that sense of knowing that, even thought they’ll never letter in a sport or join an honor society, they will always get attention when they run down to the local Hot Topic or Baptist church. And you just can’t put a price on that.”