New Jersey Plans April 24th State Holiday in Honor of Prong
New Jersey’s most famous residents are about to get a day in their honor. Timed to coincide with the release of their new record, “Carved in Stone”, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has signed into law a bill making Tuesday April 24th “Prong Appreciation Day”. Schools will be closed and all government office buildings will not be in service on that day in order that people have time to wait in what is expected to be 10 hour lines at local music stores to get the album.
Prong has derived a cult following among the thousands of gelato vendors and carnies that control the beaches of the Jersey Shore. They are also quite popular among the warlords, car thieves and flesh-crazed cannibals that run the better part of North Jersey. According to Armond Peterson, Head of Prong For a Better America, a Political Action Committee, the message of corporate neglect and snapping one’s fingers while snapping someone else’s neck really resonates with the people of Jersey, whose love of the band is “unconditional”.
Governor Christie, who claims he decided to go into politics after seeing the band at CBGB’s in 1990, made this holiday a cornerstone of his election campaign against former Goldman Sachs CEO and pension looter Jon Corzine back in 2009. At a press conference today, Christie celebrated his major political victory. “I can’t even freakin’ believe it. What a freakin’ day for metal, huh!?! C’mon, I mean, it’s freakin’ Prong we’re talking about over here!”
When questioned by a 9-year-old reporter from a elementary school newspaper who asked if this was going to be taking time away from creating new jobs, Christie fired back with furious rage. “Hey, first of all, shut the hell up kid! All of a sudden, you’re nine and you think you know how the world works? What the hell do you know, you little punk?!?! You think you can run New Jersey, c’mon up here. Otherwise, go dunk a cookie in some milk and shut your face before I shut it for you.”
Tuesday April 24th is shaping up to be a great day in New Jersey. At 9 AM, frontman Tommy Victor will be handed the key to the city of Trenton. At noon, a parade through Wildwood will take place honoring the band. At 4 PM, the band will be playing a concert on the roof of Newark Airport with New Jersey’s other favorite sons Southside Johnny and The Asbury Jukes. At 9 PM, Victor and the boys will be taking a blood oath and be symbolically inducted into the Genovese crime family by actor James Gandofini.
Over the years, Prong has been one of the best and most consistent bands in metal. If the new album is even a shadow of their earlier work, it will be a masterpiece that should be blasting on every car stereo from Passaic to Perth Amboy.