Drexel, Seton Hall, Cannibal Corpse Snubbed By NCAA Tournament Selection Committee

For three groups of committed young men, their dreams of a national championship ended before the tournament even got started.  Bubbles burst for Drexel University, Seton Hall and Cannibal Corpse during Sunday night’s selection show.  Drexel, who went 27 and 6 and 16 and 2 in the always-tough Colonial Athletic Association, had a great regular season but lost to VCU in their conference tournament.  Seton Hall, who racked up 20 wins in the Big East and had an RPI of 54, got bumped after an uninspiring stretch run that featured losses to DePaul and Rutgers.

The most surprising omission from the field was famed death metal band Cannibal Corpse.  Corpse, who won a band record 28 regular season games and had an RPI of 19, seemed a shoe-in, but a loss in the Horizon League conference tournament finals to Detroit-Mercy seemed to cloud the picture.  However, with out of conference wins against Indiana, Michigan State and Testament, few people expected Cannibal Corpse to be on the outside looking in.

The NCAA Selection Committee, which is often tight-lipped about why they picked one team over another, was far from quiet about their exclusion of Cannibal Corpse.  “Those guys are animals,” said committee spokesman Michael Newton.  “We like to reward teams for good sportsmanship.  Beheading the cheerleaders from Cleveland State and mounting the heads on sticks in front of the arena is not the sort of thing that we at the NCAA condone.”

The Cleveland Beheadings were only one event in a season of turmoil for Cannibal Corpse.  Point guard Alex Webster was suspended for two games early in the season for removing and chewing the spleen of Butler forward Roosevelt Jones.  Forward Paul Mazurkiewicz is currently banned from ever playing basketball in the state of Pennsylvania again for gouging out the eyes of the entire starting Bucknell basketball team and making a necklace out of them.  NCAA President Mark Emmert went a step further saying, “Not only should not be in the NCAA tournament, the lot of them should probably be awaiting appeal on death row.”

The band had planned the release of their excellent new album “Torture” on March 13th to coincide with the first round of the tournament. Cannibal Corpse had been considered filing suit against the NCAA for excluding them from the tournament based on their character.  “There have been teams of guys just as bad as us who have won National Championships.  Ever heard of UNLV?”  said irate center George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher.  However, Fisher quickly dropped the idea of a suit when he realized it might cut into the 567 consecutive hours of World of Warcraft he is planning on playing in April.

(Thanks to Shawn Von Deathmetal from Universe Number Five for inspiring this fantastic piece of Pulitzer worthy journalism)

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  1. #1 by danieljames86 on March 12, 2012 - 7:41 AM

    how did shawn inspire this?

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on March 12, 2012 - 7:47 AM

      He’s my spiritual advisor and he plays a mean fiddle. We talked about Corpse’s NCAA chance in the interview he did with me.

  2. #3 by Universe Number Five on March 12, 2012 - 9:34 AM

    Radness!!!!! This rules!!!!!!!!!

  3. #4 by Universe Number Five on March 12, 2012 - 10:34 AM

    “Early hours, open road, basketball team- on their way home
    Having enjoyed a day on the court, now a blank page is their scouting report
    A homicidal fool not knowing left from right, penetrates their lane,sends them aflight
    No charging called as he drives their lane,
    his car is transformed to an airplane
    Both of them collide, expressions horrified
    Head on at full speed, flagrant yet no one’s T’d
    The center of team was impaled on the wheel
    as his skull became a part of the dash
    His eyeballs ejected his sight uneffected, he saw
    his own organs collapse
    His seatbelt was useless for holding him back, it
    simply cut him in two
    Legs were crushed, out leaked pus as his spinal cord
    took off and flew
    The point guard took flight through the glass, and ended up
    with Valvano in the sky
    His intestines stretched from the car down the road for a
    distance you could hear Vitale”

    • #5 by Keith Spillett on March 12, 2012 - 4:03 PM

      Shredded Humans!!!! I’m dyin’ over here! This is the sort of thing Shakespeare would be writing if he were alive and listening to death metal.

      • #6 by Universe Number Five on March 12, 2012 - 4:12 PM

        If Shakespeare were alive, of course he’d be listening to death metal… he’d be the worlds foremost death metal lyricist \m/!

      • #7 by danieljames86 on March 12, 2012 - 7:30 PM

        “Cannibal corpse vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher conjures the spirit of william shakespeare to write lyrics for the bands next album”

      • #8 by Keith Spillett on March 12, 2012 - 9:51 PM

        Honestly, Titus Andronicus could have been a Cannibal Corpse album.

  4. #9 by Dave on March 15, 2012 - 7:02 PM

    “…with out of conference wins against Indiana, Michigan State, and Testament…”

    LOL. I almost missed that.

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on March 15, 2012 - 7:48 PM

      Testament is tough this year with that match-up zone they use. Plus, Chuck Billy is a monster in the middle.

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