Ester of Wood Rosin: The Miracle Preservative that Works Miracles

An Oasis of Hope???

Today I’d like to talk to you about a preservative that has been given a bad reputation over the years.  Many people believe that because ester of wood rosin is made from wood or that its chemical cousin ester gum is used in paints, lacquers and varnishes, that it is something that they should avoid drinking.  People who think this couldn’t be further from the truth. I have found, through days and days of careful research, that it is, in fact, a wonderous creation that has transformative, healing powers.

I came to this discovery by accident.  I was in my home working on my model airplane collection and I cut my finger.  I did not have a band aid, gauze  or any soy sauce handy to stop the bleeding.  Not wanting to ruin my scale model reconstruction of Delta’s first DC-10 airplane, I took the can of Fresca I was drinking and poured it directly on the wound.  I wasn’t sure what might happen but you can imagine my surprise when the bleeding stopped and the wound closed within about 10 seconds.  This was a rather large cut that should have required stiches, but the Fresca seemed to heal it right away.

I started to wonder why this happened so I looked at the can of Fresca.  The ingredients seemed rather normal (EDTA, acesulfame potassium, brominated vegetable oil, carob bean gum).  I looked each of the ingredients up and found nothing that piqued my interest until I got to ester of wood rosin.  With one search of the internet, my entire life changed forever.  Apparently, a scientist named Dr. Arnold Kreifeld conducted a study near Harvard University back in 2003 where he tested the effects of ester of wood rosin on injuries.  Kreifeld’s assistants cut the arms of 100 study participants with razor blades.  They then poured water on the wounds of half the participants and Fresca or Tahitian Treat (both drinks with large amounts of ester of wood rosin) on the other half.  The half that were treated with ester of wood rosin showed significant improvement compared to the other group.  Kreifeld, who is currently in Leavenworth Federal Prison for sending “suspicious” packages to news broadcasters, had stumbled on to the medical discovery of the decade, perhaps the century.  Kreifeld first gained a great deal of recognition as a researcher for the tobacco industry back in the late 1980s.  During his time there he co-authored a monumental study that showed that long term cigarette use leads to increased IQ scores.  As important as his earlier work was, it is clear that his work in the field of ester of wood rosin research could have changed much of how we view medicine today.  Had he not been imprisoned on trumped up charges, he’d be viewed with the same reverence as great medical minds like Jonas Salk, Hippocrates and Dr. Oz.

Deeply impressed with Dr. Kreifeld’s work, I decided to do a few experiments of my own.  For one month, I bathed my two young children exclusively in Fresca.  This was quite an expensive proposition (it takes nearly 17 cans of Fresca to fill a bath tub), but it was a sacrifice I needed to make for the good of mankind.  My son, who we will refer to as Mortimer for the purposes of this post, has grown 29 inches since the experiment began.  Mortimer, who at 3 years old stands nearly 6 feet tall, has already gotten recruiting phone calls from The University of Kentucky, The New Jersey Nets and The Ringling Brothers Circus.  Thanks to ester of wood rosin, his future is bright.

I began pouring two cans of Fresca over my head per day, one first thing in the morning, one during afternoon visitation, and I have watched my head go from looking like bowling ball to having long, flowing Fabio-esque hair.  My wife, who recently suffered a broken leg in a waterskiing accident, was injected with Fresca once a night during her sleep for two weeks.  The doctors said it would take 3 months for her leg to heal;  it took 9 days.  I took a syringe to a local senior center down the street and randomly injected an 82 year old woman.  With one surprise injection of ester of wood rosin, she went from barely able to walk to turning double back flips while singing the opening song from Guys and Dolls.

Fresca is not the only soft drink with ester of wood rosin, but I prefer it because of it’s tangy flavor.  There are many drinks that contain this miracle of modern science.  Several government military contractors and food conglomerates are considering creating ester of wood rosin supplements which may be on the shelf at your local supermarket within the next few years. Until then, you’ll have to stick to drinking soft drinks to get the health benefits of this little wonder. When you are staring at your birthday cake and looking at 146 candles, you’ll thank me for this great bit of advice.

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About Keith Spillett

I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.

14 responses to “Ester of Wood Rosin: The Miracle Preservative that Works Miracles”

  1. nondualmind says :

    Scary stuff! A friend of mine once spilled a can of diet coke in her car and it stripped the finish off her steering wheel. That was the last diet coke she ever had…….

  2. Keith Spillett says :

    It is! Unfortunately, the last Diet Coke I had was about 10 minutes ago.

  3. iamsarahk says :

    Oh how I enjoy your stories.
    I can honestly say that, as this is the first time I have even heard of this drink, I completely believe you.
    Maybe you could post some of the magical liquid to the land down under.

  4. Keith Spillett says :

    I am smuggling Canada because Russia is too big to fit in a suitcase.

  5. Jim Wheeler says :

    Well Keith, you can’t tell me that reincarnation isn’t real. P.T. Barnum lives!

    BTW, all the benefits of ester of wood rosin can be duplicated by wearing a copper wrist band. (But, make sure it’s pure copper! Any impurities will cancel the effects.)

  6. G-LO says :

    Dr. Keith,

    Your next story… the health benefits of a Diet Pepsi and Veggie Burrito Neti Pot, cause that’s what you get when you read about Ester of Wood Rosin and eat at the same time.

    Well done! Glad to see that Fresca is back with a vengeance.

    Cheers!
    G-LO

    • Keith Spillett says :

      Reverend G-LO,

      A lot of people seem to avoid some of the great cures on the market today. I feel like if people keep drinking Fresca, life expectancy will climb well past 165. Lyndon Johnson drank a ton of the stuff (he even had a fountain put in the White House). Johnson is 112 years old and recently ran the Boston Marathon. He’s considering a run at the Oval Office in 2012. With a little Fresca in his gut, I think he could do it.

      L’Chaim,

      Keith

  7. Awakening Tempest says :

    Do you know if this drink is available in the UK? I think I might like to try it (for its taste) and its healing powers. I too have had a similar experience where I was introduced to ‘Virgin Black Seed Oil’ in South Asia while out travelling few years ago – then it was not available in general stores but its more common in the Asian Community (and their stores) – and believe me what a difference it makes – I’ve since recommended it to someone who is Type II in Diabetes, someone who suffers from Epilepsy and some one who has sleep problem – all have said that they health has improved dramatically.

    I too use this natural virgin Oil and I have to say it has improved my health massively – No longer dragging myself out of bed, no longer being lazy in getting things done – feel more fitter than ever before and so on.

  8. James says :

    How do I clean off caked on rosin from my viola? I borrow violas from my school and they are always filthy. The rosin isn't only on the strings, it's on the face too.

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